It's dark and it's cold and wet on the floor. My fingers have no feeling, the street lights are harsh and annoying. Warmth comes with his smile, but it's only pretend. It's only so he won't leave me here alone. With a phone and my wallet I could have called a taxi, but why did I leave them at home? I guess in all my wildest dreams I never thought him capable of this... Now all I see is his blonde hair, dark clothes and sinister grin. Now all I see is the park bench across the pavement path, illuminated by the street light above, the fog pumping from his mouth as he breathes hard. Darkness to my left, darkness to my right. I'm lost, and alone. I feel the disgust... It wasn't supposed to be this way.
I start to feel stupid, I start to feel that disgust creep up into my stomach as he kisses me, the silence of the morning being broken by his heavy breathing. His hands are freezing, as he touches my stomach... On my hands and knees, praying, waiting for it to be done with. Not how I imagined it would go, our first 'date'... How romantic it truly seemed?
And it's over, he's doing up his pants and I'm looking for my dignity... Shaking, I pull a cigarette from the packet and fumble with the lighter. Anything to get that taste of his tongue out of my mouth, anything to wash away the pain of the last 10 minutes...
That's all I really remember, but I remember so well... Next thing I know I'm back in the now, back in this room sitting with my legs folded, clutching onto this blog so I don't stray back into that memory...
They called him harry, because his last name was Potter. Should have named him something else, because there was no magic in anything he did. Broken, lost, he was angry inside. Why I don't loathe him, I don't know why. A perfect stockholme candidate I would be, but not now, not all these years later. So why, my friends, do I keep reliving his face? I relive the others too... Why is it that it all comes back to me now, when all my other memories haunt me?
Something to trap myself with, when I'm in the dark... I can hear his voice, feel his hands around my waist, and know that it's the now, that I'm safe in his room... I feel each kiss with precision, each breath that brings love... I try with all my might to feel something, to feel anything but for some reason all that greets me is numbness. Like I'm as stiff as a plank of wood, like every inch of my body is under attack. Four years into the future, and the past comes rushing at me to break my lover's heart.
When there is so much focus on sex, it's hard to break out of the fear. I feel such an immense pressure to perform, to do so even when I don't want too... Like it's a duty, some task that must be done. It seems to always be on his mind, though I know it's because he loves me, he's my boyfriend, he wants to make me happy... I want to want it again, I want to feel that rush of pleasure more than anything but for some reason it's left me. I lay so still beside him, I try to pretend to sleep so that it won't make him feel bad but he never gets the hint, he always keeps going until I'm at the point where I want to scream... It's so confusing and hurtful and I don't know why it's happening. I'm so lost.
I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be a bad girl friend. I don't want to hurt him either, but in that darkness, the memories come back, the feeling comes back and I'm no longer with the one that I love but with a snake, writhing and wrapping it's body around my neck. I feel totally out of control, trapped into a corner. If the fear doesn't get me then the guilt certainly will. Am I damned? What is wrong with me?
Why can't I feel lustful? Why must these things plague me? Will I ever be free of this blight that eats away at me? Will I ever stop hurting those that only wish to love me? Am I truly nothing but evil, catching hearts and never returning them, ruining and breaking and hacking and burning? My soul fills with tears... That in my efforts to bring peace to myself, I have brought suffering onto the innocent. What if this fear never goes away? What if the past forever breaks my present? All I want is to stop focussing on that which makes me so frightened, to break to breathe for a moment... And when ever I turn him away, and see that look in his eyes, I want to claw out my own throat and crawl to a dark space to die, because knowing that I'm the soul reason behind his unhappiness is worse to me than death. What I would give to fix this, to put a stop to it... If I only knew how, if I only knew what I needed to do to see this through...
God forgive me for the sin I've done, for the hate I've felt, forgive me for letting another take what wasn't theirs to take; forgive me for creating these problems for myself. I talked to the devil about what I could feel and see, and sin has followed me since, regardless of my love for God, they have followed me, trapped me with fear... I need the council of the lord, deliver me into absolution, I'm so sorry for it all, sorry for everything. Is the forgiveness of God enough to cure a blackened soul? Can God even touch those that are damned for a life in hell? It was all my fault, all my choice...
I chose to conjure to conspire with them, I chose to give up my body than to be abandoned, I chose to smoke the pipe and to spend my inheritance and to let him touch me... It was all my choice, a life of sin. Why should I question what is happening to me? When all I have given the God that loves is sin, when I finally find love, the sin has come back to ruin it. They never stopped following me, soft, un nerving. I feel so close to slipping back into old ways, old habits...
If that which I hate takes that which I love, through my own doing, through whatever is happening to me- I will forsake my god, return to all that I could see, return to all that followed me, the shadows fading in and out, in and out, all the figures, all the people, everything that made me feel insane... If I lose this because of that past, I will lose my mind.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Like the Mother, and the Rock
The post that was once placed here, is now re-edited with this one simple improvement...
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
forgetting what makes me cry
I have put myself somewhere, a place I've never been. Where are the ghosts that haunt my steps? Where is the shadow that follows me, day after day, filling my heart with misery and guilt?
I feel no sadness now, I feel no shame for the decisions I've made. I feel only a numbness, not empty and hollow but soothing and good for the soul. Perhaps I've come to a point in my life where I no longer fear the thought of breaking something or someone... That all that I once hated myself for, I have thus accepted.
I'm beginning to realise, that good things seem to happen when I'm not doubting myself. I trusted my decision to return to my home, and thus it seems that Life has rewarded me. I find happiness, always now, when I look into my eyes. I feel true, I feel almost blissful constantly.
Does it make me a bad person? That I sit here glowing with this incredible inner light, a discovered new power that I have over myself when I've broken so many hearts and caused so much pain? I don't want to simply be a person who doesn't feel bad because she doesn't care for others and their misfortune but something in me literally stops me from digging up that empathy for the people once close to me... I try to envoke it, I seek it out but to no avail.
It concerns me... I have prided myself on my ability to empathise and help others, and I should care whether my actions effect the lives of others but something in me just stops me from giving a shit anymore; like when I got on that plane and left Adelaide a great cord around me was cut and thus when I try to reconnect with any feeling I ever felt for David-- It's almost as if no feeling ever existed, my mind and my heart search and search to try and remember what it felt like but I fail every time... This was my last relationship! Shouldn't I be hurt by our breakup? Shouldn't I even care a little?
Maybe I came home so badly broken and hurt by our relationship that I simply killed any last shred of affection that I had, simply locked it up somewhere within myself and buried it too deep to find again. ...
oh apathy, apathy where are you now? Conflicted in the absense of pain- morally speaking I should be heartbroken; however not being heart broken is a nice change of pace... Maybe this is my break from it? Maybe I mourned the loss of our relationship whilst I was still there, I did have such a long time to come to terms with the fact that we would never work out. Am I becoming some kind of soulless monster? Or is this my way to a clean conscience through releasing myself from my self hatred and guilt?
A trap or freedom? A blessing or an omen? Gotta get used to feeling this way, it's been way too long since I felt okay with being me.
Maybe- I have let go of my rediculous quest to find true love! If it does exist, I don't think I care, cuz every time someone says they love me, it seems to mean they dont have to try anymore. I don't think I mind, whether it's love or not, so long as they are treating me the way I want to be treated. There are people in my life like that now- people that don't control or command, that don't make me feel like I should be anything other than what I am- and not only that, but they're INTERESTED in who I am, people who want to delve into what makes me this person, and they cherish how unique I am. I'm not too childish, or immature, or not proud of myself enough or too clingy and annoying... People that don't whince away from me when I hug them, that never ask for space and never physically leave me alone. THAT speaks to me more than a word that gets thrown around all the time. That speaks to me more than someone who says they love me, yet tells me to never speak to them of memories that are misfortunate or bad, yet never opens themself to me, yet calls me a child and chides me for not doing his dishes during the day. Who never touched me with love, who never gave me the simple joy of bearing it all together, rather than holding it all back when I'm standing with arms open feeling humiliated.
I'm not guilty, I'm not sad, I am simply who and what I am... And when I look upon my lifes journey and come across the time I spent in Adelaide, I don't think anything that was said or done during that time will mean anything other than this lesson: Forget about trying to find someone who says they love you, find someone who doesn't begrudge or try to change who you are, but accepts and cherishes who you are, and encourages that within you.
I feel no sadness now, I feel no shame for the decisions I've made. I feel only a numbness, not empty and hollow but soothing and good for the soul. Perhaps I've come to a point in my life where I no longer fear the thought of breaking something or someone... That all that I once hated myself for, I have thus accepted.
I'm beginning to realise, that good things seem to happen when I'm not doubting myself. I trusted my decision to return to my home, and thus it seems that Life has rewarded me. I find happiness, always now, when I look into my eyes. I feel true, I feel almost blissful constantly.
Does it make me a bad person? That I sit here glowing with this incredible inner light, a discovered new power that I have over myself when I've broken so many hearts and caused so much pain? I don't want to simply be a person who doesn't feel bad because she doesn't care for others and their misfortune but something in me literally stops me from digging up that empathy for the people once close to me... I try to envoke it, I seek it out but to no avail.
It concerns me... I have prided myself on my ability to empathise and help others, and I should care whether my actions effect the lives of others but something in me just stops me from giving a shit anymore; like when I got on that plane and left Adelaide a great cord around me was cut and thus when I try to reconnect with any feeling I ever felt for David-- It's almost as if no feeling ever existed, my mind and my heart search and search to try and remember what it felt like but I fail every time... This was my last relationship! Shouldn't I be hurt by our breakup? Shouldn't I even care a little?
Maybe I came home so badly broken and hurt by our relationship that I simply killed any last shred of affection that I had, simply locked it up somewhere within myself and buried it too deep to find again. ...
oh apathy, apathy where are you now? Conflicted in the absense of pain- morally speaking I should be heartbroken; however not being heart broken is a nice change of pace... Maybe this is my break from it? Maybe I mourned the loss of our relationship whilst I was still there, I did have such a long time to come to terms with the fact that we would never work out. Am I becoming some kind of soulless monster? Or is this my way to a clean conscience through releasing myself from my self hatred and guilt?
A trap or freedom? A blessing or an omen? Gotta get used to feeling this way, it's been way too long since I felt okay with being me.
Maybe- I have let go of my rediculous quest to find true love! If it does exist, I don't think I care, cuz every time someone says they love me, it seems to mean they dont have to try anymore. I don't think I mind, whether it's love or not, so long as they are treating me the way I want to be treated. There are people in my life like that now- people that don't control or command, that don't make me feel like I should be anything other than what I am- and not only that, but they're INTERESTED in who I am, people who want to delve into what makes me this person, and they cherish how unique I am. I'm not too childish, or immature, or not proud of myself enough or too clingy and annoying... People that don't whince away from me when I hug them, that never ask for space and never physically leave me alone. THAT speaks to me more than a word that gets thrown around all the time. That speaks to me more than someone who says they love me, yet tells me to never speak to them of memories that are misfortunate or bad, yet never opens themself to me, yet calls me a child and chides me for not doing his dishes during the day. Who never touched me with love, who never gave me the simple joy of bearing it all together, rather than holding it all back when I'm standing with arms open feeling humiliated.
I'm not guilty, I'm not sad, I am simply who and what I am... And when I look upon my lifes journey and come across the time I spent in Adelaide, I don't think anything that was said or done during that time will mean anything other than this lesson: Forget about trying to find someone who says they love you, find someone who doesn't begrudge or try to change who you are, but accepts and cherishes who you are, and encourages that within you.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I'm not but I am
It's all music to me, wringing through my ears. Total transformation, for what seemed like an eternity alone is now all smoke, all simply shifting into nothing but a memory. I don't remember the anger or the fear anymore; I don't remember my heart fluttering either. How could I have known otherwise? Was such an endeavor simply a waste of time?
I have grown so much, learned so much but to what end? At what cost? This effects more than just me, it always has. So foolishly I threw words around, words that I cherish. It should have been clear a long time ago to me but what I lost in time won't be forfeited in the lesson itself- I made a mistake, an error in judgement. What I pushed in the past now is decaying the future, but like something that is trapped and must be freed, what returns in freedom is real, it lasts forever.
Am I disappointed in my mistakes? Not really. I am only human, in the grand spectrum of life, what's 8 months to the many years left awaiting me? It's a shame that others get hurt, that others are made a party to our ignorance, and for that I can only apologize so many times. This is not the first time I've hurt someone, not the last either. I hope that when it's all fed and watered I'll be able to finally have the resolve I want from those who have suffered by my hands. That time is not now, and won't come for a while.
I have realized what I think I really want in life, though trying to articulate that here would do it no justice... I think I just want to be myself, and be loved for it by not just one person, but many. to not let go of whats important, and to know the right time when letting go is the best thing for everyone. I have limits, that I can't deny; and being this far away from what I wanted to work on for so long is just making it all a whole lot worse. It's not my fault, nor is it his; but purpose is something that I often mistake and right now I'm full of doubt. Was it the right thing to do? For me- Yes, but for us? Probably not. I feel like the reasons that I ventured out of state for kinda changed once going away...
The clarity of being completely isolated from my life gave me an insight into myself, it was like a time of grounding. I accomplished much for myself on a personal level, though what I learned didn't involve David to the same extent. I stopped being constantly at odds with my conscience, I stopped fighting myself in mind and spirit. I embraced the truth of myself, remembered the things I valued and the things I didn't.
Living out of a suit case was kinda like stripping myself of all my worldly possessions, I didn't feel so attached anymore to all the 'things' in my house, my life, my wardrobe. I had to get by with what I had, and I enjoyed the humble life. As for starting the relationship with David from that personal view, finally a reality, finally something real- I was met with many challenges. 'Nothing worth doing in life is easy'- I used to tell myself that to justify how challenging it all really felt to me. Now I'm not so sure- when it comes to love- things should flow, like a liquid energy. Things should be given, shared, enjoyed. There was no flow with our love, no effortless way to express myself. This is what I struggled with the most- that as I would try to engage affection, I felt constantly reproached. I was not myself there, I didn't feel like the me I had always known so well.
What does this mean? I'm not really sure. I can't really base any final conclusions on these mere thoughts alone. I just don't know how else I can get them out of my head right now. Talking, talking is so permanent; and when I've based such little faith in the power of my words in the past- perhaps I'd be better off at this point just writing thoughts down before committing them to a conversation.
I am so happy to be home, and little of me is pained by my return; even when I think back at the one that I left. This hurts me, the fact that not even memory can inspire for me a shred of yearning or pining for the place that was my home for so long... Not David's fault at all, if anything he is more a victim of this than me. Through the recent years that have passed, all my life in Perth has cracked, crumbled, and thus been rebuilt. The family I have come to love so much and respect so much, once in total divide, is now stronger than ever. To be apart from that, was just too much for me to bare.
Time cures everything, and I know that soon my mind and heart will run in synch again. Just needed to type some shit out, and remember what my day is for.
I have grown so much, learned so much but to what end? At what cost? This effects more than just me, it always has. So foolishly I threw words around, words that I cherish. It should have been clear a long time ago to me but what I lost in time won't be forfeited in the lesson itself- I made a mistake, an error in judgement. What I pushed in the past now is decaying the future, but like something that is trapped and must be freed, what returns in freedom is real, it lasts forever.
Am I disappointed in my mistakes? Not really. I am only human, in the grand spectrum of life, what's 8 months to the many years left awaiting me? It's a shame that others get hurt, that others are made a party to our ignorance, and for that I can only apologize so many times. This is not the first time I've hurt someone, not the last either. I hope that when it's all fed and watered I'll be able to finally have the resolve I want from those who have suffered by my hands. That time is not now, and won't come for a while.
I have realized what I think I really want in life, though trying to articulate that here would do it no justice... I think I just want to be myself, and be loved for it by not just one person, but many. to not let go of whats important, and to know the right time when letting go is the best thing for everyone. I have limits, that I can't deny; and being this far away from what I wanted to work on for so long is just making it all a whole lot worse. It's not my fault, nor is it his; but purpose is something that I often mistake and right now I'm full of doubt. Was it the right thing to do? For me- Yes, but for us? Probably not. I feel like the reasons that I ventured out of state for kinda changed once going away...
The clarity of being completely isolated from my life gave me an insight into myself, it was like a time of grounding. I accomplished much for myself on a personal level, though what I learned didn't involve David to the same extent. I stopped being constantly at odds with my conscience, I stopped fighting myself in mind and spirit. I embraced the truth of myself, remembered the things I valued and the things I didn't.
Living out of a suit case was kinda like stripping myself of all my worldly possessions, I didn't feel so attached anymore to all the 'things' in my house, my life, my wardrobe. I had to get by with what I had, and I enjoyed the humble life. As for starting the relationship with David from that personal view, finally a reality, finally something real- I was met with many challenges. 'Nothing worth doing in life is easy'- I used to tell myself that to justify how challenging it all really felt to me. Now I'm not so sure- when it comes to love- things should flow, like a liquid energy. Things should be given, shared, enjoyed. There was no flow with our love, no effortless way to express myself. This is what I struggled with the most- that as I would try to engage affection, I felt constantly reproached. I was not myself there, I didn't feel like the me I had always known so well.
What does this mean? I'm not really sure. I can't really base any final conclusions on these mere thoughts alone. I just don't know how else I can get them out of my head right now. Talking, talking is so permanent; and when I've based such little faith in the power of my words in the past- perhaps I'd be better off at this point just writing thoughts down before committing them to a conversation.
I am so happy to be home, and little of me is pained by my return; even when I think back at the one that I left. This hurts me, the fact that not even memory can inspire for me a shred of yearning or pining for the place that was my home for so long... Not David's fault at all, if anything he is more a victim of this than me. Through the recent years that have passed, all my life in Perth has cracked, crumbled, and thus been rebuilt. The family I have come to love so much and respect so much, once in total divide, is now stronger than ever. To be apart from that, was just too much for me to bare.
Time cures everything, and I know that soon my mind and heart will run in synch again. Just needed to type some shit out, and remember what my day is for.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A family dinner, not quite formal but not casual enough to say fuck and god damn at the table. A girl, tired, stressed... Dropped home by the busy mother and left to figure out her head on her own. What she would find in there, she didn't know. Two simple tasks and 4 hours to complete them in: Make a fucking apple cake and ring the man she's been dying to talk too all day. Simple enough right?
DISTRACTION.
Half a cake made and the phone sitting beside me. Open door, slammed closed. I NEED THE OVEN I NEED THE OVEN, confrontational twitches and not at the best of times... times... what is the time? PANIC PANIC PANIC. The family arrives soon but she is alive enough to feel the need for her nicotine. Just fifteen minutes would be all she needed to get the tears out of her system, fight them back to the depths of whence they came. No crying was allowed. It might take the spot light off... her...
One look in the mirror and she new that her face looked ugly with the smudges of a big night and guilt. That would have to be fixed, clean dress, nice smell, make up... fix this mess she made. Dog starts barking- FUCK FUCK FUCK too late, no phone call... no cigarette.
Family equalling alienation. An old soul not realising just how badly his words are hurting her, as she tries with all her best effort to remain sweet and like the image her name always gave her. Jobless but not pointless! Selfless and trying hard to be behaved, civil, social.
"You owe it to your parents... Getting yourself a respectable career with a job that they can be proud of. When will you study? What will you do?" and once again she pulled out that old dusty black wool she thought she may never adorn again, and felt disgust as she pulled her arms through the sleeves.
She is once again, the fuck up. Once again, that one kid that never quite fit the bill or made the grade... Trying to be interested but so aware of the time. Tick tick tick tick. Soon he would be sleeping sweet dreams, soon she would have lost her chance.
AND THEY STAND! After what seemed like an eternity, they went on their way. The guilty feeling of wanting them to leave was being crushed in her gut by the excitement of that phone call and cigarette. Ring. ring. ring. Ring. ring. ring. Nothing. No answer. ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY. She needed that fucking phone call. She needed to hear his sweet voice. She was hurting. She wanted to show him her day, and help reason with him the challenges they faced.
And now, she sits, she contemplates what it means to have someone so close to her-- that the very simple fact that he is peacefully asleep and calm and neutrally happy could have the effect she is feeling now. A mix of the pain that she knows her problems that tower over her will not be shifted, that she faces it alone, that she needs to keep trying, that she needs to be held but with no one to hold her, that she needs to feel and know love in this moment of a guilty conscience and total rejection.
... And all with the bad taste of knowing in her heart that none of this is his fault. That none of this is accountable by him, and that she simply ran out of time, as he ran out of time. Time, that was supposed to be on her side, when at this exact moment in that time- nothing is on her side. THIS is how i FEEL. Not concrete, not cement; so don't let it make you feel heavy. Just know that when I have no other way to get out of the rip-tide, I have to immortalize into the ether of the net. All I wanted, all I needed was to just hear that liquid heaven wash over me one last time... for someone to just listen to what i had to say without being disappointed or disinterested like the rest of this family...
im sorry i didnt catch you in time... and now were both falling through the holes together.
DISTRACTION.
Half a cake made and the phone sitting beside me. Open door, slammed closed. I NEED THE OVEN I NEED THE OVEN, confrontational twitches and not at the best of times... times... what is the time? PANIC PANIC PANIC. The family arrives soon but she is alive enough to feel the need for her nicotine. Just fifteen minutes would be all she needed to get the tears out of her system, fight them back to the depths of whence they came. No crying was allowed. It might take the spot light off... her...
One look in the mirror and she new that her face looked ugly with the smudges of a big night and guilt. That would have to be fixed, clean dress, nice smell, make up... fix this mess she made. Dog starts barking- FUCK FUCK FUCK too late, no phone call... no cigarette.
Family equalling alienation. An old soul not realising just how badly his words are hurting her, as she tries with all her best effort to remain sweet and like the image her name always gave her. Jobless but not pointless! Selfless and trying hard to be behaved, civil, social.
"You owe it to your parents... Getting yourself a respectable career with a job that they can be proud of. When will you study? What will you do?" and once again she pulled out that old dusty black wool she thought she may never adorn again, and felt disgust as she pulled her arms through the sleeves.
She is once again, the fuck up. Once again, that one kid that never quite fit the bill or made the grade... Trying to be interested but so aware of the time. Tick tick tick tick. Soon he would be sleeping sweet dreams, soon she would have lost her chance.
AND THEY STAND! After what seemed like an eternity, they went on their way. The guilty feeling of wanting them to leave was being crushed in her gut by the excitement of that phone call and cigarette. Ring. ring. ring. Ring. ring. ring. Nothing. No answer. ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY. She needed that fucking phone call. She needed to hear his sweet voice. She was hurting. She wanted to show him her day, and help reason with him the challenges they faced.
And now, she sits, she contemplates what it means to have someone so close to her-- that the very simple fact that he is peacefully asleep and calm and neutrally happy could have the effect she is feeling now. A mix of the pain that she knows her problems that tower over her will not be shifted, that she faces it alone, that she needs to keep trying, that she needs to be held but with no one to hold her, that she needs to feel and know love in this moment of a guilty conscience and total rejection.
... And all with the bad taste of knowing in her heart that none of this is his fault. That none of this is accountable by him, and that she simply ran out of time, as he ran out of time. Time, that was supposed to be on her side, when at this exact moment in that time- nothing is on her side. THIS is how i FEEL. Not concrete, not cement; so don't let it make you feel heavy. Just know that when I have no other way to get out of the rip-tide, I have to immortalize into the ether of the net. All I wanted, all I needed was to just hear that liquid heaven wash over me one last time... for someone to just listen to what i had to say without being disappointed or disinterested like the rest of this family...
im sorry i didnt catch you in time... and now were both falling through the holes together.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
In Freedom and Chains
The times they are a changing... I wake up every day, feeling the pull and tug of life trying to shift the heavy weights on my shoulders. The one thing that I thought was always against me has turned out to be my friend; thankyou time for showing me the healing power of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months that have gone into patching up the fabric and restitching the old, worn edges of my heart.
My heart. I never really understood how it worked or what it meant until I saw his face. I didn't believe that he had any of the answers to my problems in life, but a humble person can admit that they were wrong. How wrong I really was about this man; who stood from the very beginning with arms open and the intent to nourish the joy back into my life... He said he was a man of his word and I instinctively laughed at that, but once again time has shown me how wrong I can be.
I can trust again, love again, laugh and breathe easily again. The horrors that walked these empty halls have no power over the choices I make anymore. I have someone I can rely on, whose version of love is more than mere words. We will move the sky together and shake the very foundations of this planet; not just sit around getting high pretending that we even give enough of a shit to try. It's not a lie, it's not a dependancy... It's perfection, and it's not relying on drugs to keep it alive.
Thankyou God and Void alike for both showing me the true potential of myself, thankyou for that glorious split second of giving up on love; because it was during that moment where I wasn't even looking for it that I found it in him, and over such a great distance and from such a dark place we have planted the seeds of companionship within our hearts and allowed this great, passionate flame to burst them open and watch them grow. As we will watch our lives grow, entwining our fates and bodies as one.
I am not afraid of what it means to let this person into my heart and life, I am not afraid of what gripped me for so long... David has slain the Goliath in my life... And there's no looking back now.
No looking back on that crooked, cold house with those crooked, cold people. A certain vulgar, derelict potency to every character who walked in and out, in and out, day after day. An embarrassment, a chore, a boring fascade of walking, talking shit houses. All speaking of freedom whilst their hands were cast in chains. All being commanded and paraded around by a fantasy creature of lion and bird with a taste for expensive poverty and false intentions...
Never again will I walk within that life, nor give that life a chance. I have finally found what I have been waiting for: To love, and to be loved in return; as all that I am, unconditionally and without the want to change or be changed... I no longer live within that prison.
My heart. I never really understood how it worked or what it meant until I saw his face. I didn't believe that he had any of the answers to my problems in life, but a humble person can admit that they were wrong. How wrong I really was about this man; who stood from the very beginning with arms open and the intent to nourish the joy back into my life... He said he was a man of his word and I instinctively laughed at that, but once again time has shown me how wrong I can be.
I can trust again, love again, laugh and breathe easily again. The horrors that walked these empty halls have no power over the choices I make anymore. I have someone I can rely on, whose version of love is more than mere words. We will move the sky together and shake the very foundations of this planet; not just sit around getting high pretending that we even give enough of a shit to try. It's not a lie, it's not a dependancy... It's perfection, and it's not relying on drugs to keep it alive.
Thankyou God and Void alike for both showing me the true potential of myself, thankyou for that glorious split second of giving up on love; because it was during that moment where I wasn't even looking for it that I found it in him, and over such a great distance and from such a dark place we have planted the seeds of companionship within our hearts and allowed this great, passionate flame to burst them open and watch them grow. As we will watch our lives grow, entwining our fates and bodies as one.
I am not afraid of what it means to let this person into my heart and life, I am not afraid of what gripped me for so long... David has slain the Goliath in my life... And there's no looking back now.
No looking back on that crooked, cold house with those crooked, cold people. A certain vulgar, derelict potency to every character who walked in and out, in and out, day after day. An embarrassment, a chore, a boring fascade of walking, talking shit houses. All speaking of freedom whilst their hands were cast in chains. All being commanded and paraded around by a fantasy creature of lion and bird with a taste for expensive poverty and false intentions...
Never again will I walk within that life, nor give that life a chance. I have finally found what I have been waiting for: To love, and to be loved in return; as all that I am, unconditionally and without the want to change or be changed... I no longer live within that prison.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Serenity
Things... It's all been reduced down to things. Forgotten things, old things, new things... Things get pushed away, brought back from the dead then pushed away again. Two men, two hearts, too clever but still so stupid. And now, they're like everything else in my life... They're just things; taking up space in my head. Torturing me, eating away at me because they are so much alike but so different. We walked down different paths together and breathed in different air but they're the same, their outcome was the same. And neither of them, back when they were still men in my mind and heart knew how to love me. They said they did but all that blossomed from it was pain, despair, sadness... How could love bore such counter weight?
Any shred of hope is gone now because I know I can't have the fonder memories remain, not when these horrible things have been said and such hatred lives on in the way I see him look at me. A hate for me. A hate for the complications of life, of love. Friendship wasn't enough. Does he not see what I see? Does he truly believe that it's him who has been wronged? How can that be the truth when all I ever wanted was to be his close friend, he didn't do anything wrong but neither did I; I told the truth, I held back nothing and my only regret is that I slipped and believed that it was enough. Nothing is ever enough for some people.
Good feelings used against a person until they become bad feelings. I wish I was that stupid or this would hurt alot less. Shaking at my work, looking over at him, ignoring me, and wondering where it all went wrong. What I would give to have the opportunity to ask what I did wrong. I wish I knew. Liberation obviously comes with the highest cost, and I'm paying that debt back by leaving all of this behind and seeking something newer somewhere else in life.
I don't care, I'm still free... You can't take the sky from me.
Any shred of hope is gone now because I know I can't have the fonder memories remain, not when these horrible things have been said and such hatred lives on in the way I see him look at me. A hate for me. A hate for the complications of life, of love. Friendship wasn't enough. Does he not see what I see? Does he truly believe that it's him who has been wronged? How can that be the truth when all I ever wanted was to be his close friend, he didn't do anything wrong but neither did I; I told the truth, I held back nothing and my only regret is that I slipped and believed that it was enough. Nothing is ever enough for some people.
Good feelings used against a person until they become bad feelings. I wish I was that stupid or this would hurt alot less. Shaking at my work, looking over at him, ignoring me, and wondering where it all went wrong. What I would give to have the opportunity to ask what I did wrong. I wish I knew. Liberation obviously comes with the highest cost, and I'm paying that debt back by leaving all of this behind and seeking something newer somewhere else in life.
I don't care, I'm still free... You can't take the sky from me.
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