Becoming a Nothing

my life seems to be spiralling downward... The few good things in my life are complicated and although they are fulfilling, they are hard work.
Im starting to distrust the decisions I thought I wanted to make at the beginning of this year... I miss ripping the tags off a brand new dress; finding the tiny strands of off-cuts from my brand-newly-cut hair down my bra... The smell of expensive perfume and the hassle free, go lucky persona of a girl with no money troubles.

I always wanted to believe that I was above all of the materialistic bullshit, that the nine to five office job was a prison and that I would be damned if I was ever going to sacrifice my dreams and aspirations for a high paying career but- I'm finding that perhaps that's simply the kind of person I wanted to be... One of those 'Real' people...
"I eat nothing but organically grown seaweed... I'm real man..." -- what the fuck does that even mean anyway?

I miss having money... I can't keep living like this. I have a job, and I have an education but- where is the reward? It certainly doesn't feel like I'm doing anything constructive with my life, and I can say that I don't feel like an educated, hard working upstanding citizen either... Especially when I have to ask for bus money from people off the street, or consider becoming a stripper to 'pay my way through college'.

However, simply venting doesn't seem to really work anymore, or should I say, I don't have anywhere constructive to vent anymore. At school it was different, I had a few nice, good girls who wanted me to pour out my heart and soul to them... Everyone was poor, everyone was sick of their lives back then but now it seems all those people I used to resent so much for being perfect are leaving me in the dust. All I had was boy troubles back then, and even those are being trumped by the ones I have now...

Always a left behind complex.

So I can't stand who I am right now... I'm sure their are lots of people out their like that; but their are few people who have the time or effort to listen out, to watch my back; to empathise with me... Does no one but me truly believe in the power of constructive listening? I'm afraid that the relationship I have is suffering because I'm loosing sight of the joy in my life. I'm afraid that he will start feeling unappreciated, or over pressured to be the good part of me.

I have always stood by myself and my decisions, but now I'm realising that the decisions I have made in the past couple of months have been really fucking stupid, and it all began with me loosing my job as a mail room clerk.
It was laid back and social when it was quiet in the office, and it was laid back and social when it was busy in the office. I could express myself, I could laugh and joke and make friends... And I got 500 bucks a week to do it. Now I'm scrounging for five cent pieces at the bottom of my bag to try and make up another 40 cents so I can buy a can of coke.

Now I'm losing myself... Being sucked dry of all charisma, creativity, energy. Money troubles really are ruining my life, and it seems my relationship too.

I cried today...
For the first time in what seems to be months... I really let go. I haven't cried like that since my highschool sweet heart dumped me... Since my open prayer nights at church, when I was pleading with god for my families salvation. Back then my heart was in the right place, back then I was innocent, naive... Good.

Who have I become? What has happened to my belief system? To my social networking?
I don't even feel like myself anymore.
I don't recognise myself anymore.
I'm becoming a nobody, and I hate to admit it but, everytime I open my mouth something negative comes out...

What can I do to get out of this rut? When everyday is the same and I can't find the energy to get myself out of bed anymore... I just wish something would turn out the way I expected it too...
Maybe I'm simply expecting too much of people these days.

Maybe I'm surrounding myself with too many people.

The good thing about having no friends, is that no one lets you down...
when you have you, and you only, the only person who can hurt you is you. All the major points of hurt and disapointment in my life have surrounded other people, and all people I've ever truly enjoyed have hurt me by leaving me... And so I would hurt myself to control the environment of pain...
I don't even have that solace anymore...
Now it's nothing.
I'm becoming a nothing.