Indifference

Please gentlemen, set your phasers to 'stun'...
It's all finally coming to a glorious end. I have been in this many times before, except this time comes a new sense of self, a new sense of defeat. Yet for once, it wasn't me who was defeated.

Whatever intentions of mine I had back when I still gave a damn were nothing but empty and fruitless to the ones around me, and now, those intentions are empty and fruitless to me too. Don't be sad, it's a good thing and I am by no means unhappy that I failed to rebuild what foolishness destroyed. I wanted control, he had control and wasn't willing to give any up. And it's only now that I look back at the decisions we both made and I think "It was all just a big mistake".
My only regret was the way in which I cast the final blow, and I was adamant then to believe that I wouldn't regret being so harsh, infact I was sure that if I didn't use my callice-ness to put an end to it then, whilst I was still so full of rage; that we wouldn't never truly be over, and we would never truly be ended.

I didn't want things to drag on and on like this, I didn't want this to stress our friends and families and cause lives to stretch out over too much space. I didn't want to stop seeing the people that I had believed would still be my friend, and that they did like me for me and not simply because I was his... Now that I'm not his, I see that I fooled myself into allowing closeness to come between me and those that would just walk away the second I fucked up... But it doesn't hurt the way I thought all of this would...

Im beginning to see that my character is infact, very cut throat, and I am a very black and white person when it comes to my feelings. I still am in many ways, a control freak to the way I feel, and I also act as an emotional doormat to some people because of the fact that when someone abuses me, I seem to punish myself instead. I never really broke the habit, but at least I'm aware of it now and I can try to make it work better for me in a healthy way...

I can either use you, or I can't. When I say this, I mean the people around me either benefit me, make my existence better somehow, or they don't. And when I do decide that someone doesn't, and they disapoint me time and time again trying to prove (usually rather pathetically) that they ARE of benefit, once I get tired of giving them chances, and that little meter in my head clicks over from 'friend' to 'threat' -- I have within me every capability of supressing and condensing any warmth, compassion, or love that I ever felt for that person, and all I'm left with for them is indifference... It's almost as easy as making a cup of tea.

This may concern people, it concerns me sometimes too, but it is also incredibly efficient at removing unwanted threats from my life, but in saying that it also says alot about how I see the people around me. It's the only way I have to defend myself against the onslaughts of those who would seek to hurt me... And I distrust myself in trusting others, because usually it is the ones that I trust the most that hurt me the most.
Typically, I have been a loner. Because it was always easier for me to deal with only myself, and I enjoyed my own company more than I did boys and girls in my year who would only hang out with me to learn my secrets and gain that trust only to then betray me, and humiliate me over and over and over again.
Perhaps it's this, that started out young, that is now an ingrown habit of mine that I cannot shake; and before you start to judge or to ponder-- I would like to say that it's helped me more times than it's hurt, because sometimes it's hard to walk away from something that you love, but you know it's bad for you in the long run... I don't find it hard anymore.

I can finally let go of the pain and the bad memories that I have harboured in my head, like emotional ammunition against Griffin. It finally, after all this time, doesn't concern me what he does with his life. I have no urges to call him, no urges to see him and no urges to talk about him or discuss my fears that I have for him... The world, and the man himself has made it very clear that all attempts that I would ever have at rebuilding what we broke is futile; and like I was saying earlier; it's almost as if god has removed all memory my heart ever had of him, and I don't hurt anymore.

The one thing that upsets me, yet comforts me slightly, is that in speaking of his latest scandals from winter solstice, he describes what I can only relate too as heaven, and as hell, and otherwordly beings that come forth and speak and converse with him... It makes me laugh, a scientist, speaking about otherworldly beings and spirits... the most one minded, closed off, calculated people I have ever met... The 'proof or outright denialists' of our world, and he believes in another world, another world of judgement, another world of beings that take form of friends to create a greater persuasion... Sounds like descriptions the bible would give, talking of both angels and demons... It sounds like a vulcan, talking about how much he learnt at bible camp... bible camp with drugs.

It just goes to show, that LSD makes believers out of us all, and that sweet, sweet euphoria that comes with the connection of everything around us whilst we are under the influence, can be achieved without the drug... The power of the mind, of the body and the spirit can open us to these influences these special places that exist not in this world. This is what I have been stressing to the psychonauts around me... That feeling, the reason in which compels people to take the drug, that greater state of mental connection: Is something the sober mind can do, and with a little feeling and a little dedication it can be achieved with no penalty.

At the end of the day, people should stop blaming the drug for these wonderful phenomena, and start believing in the power of there own minds, and start believing that the connection is always there- you just have to be aware of it...

I have been changed, after that weekend. I will never again look at acid the same way, I will never look at that location the same way... I don't know if I'll ever see Griffin again, but I doubt I will look at him the same way either.
It's disapointing in theory, that I have lost who was once my closest and dearest companion forever, for making a decision... But I don't feel the disapointment anymore, I'm simply aware that it should be there... but it's not. It was ultimately his choice, because I know that if he had of came and apologized to my face, if he had of actually meant it, tried at all to stop the bitterness and the constant barrages of pointless bickering, I would have ultimately forgiven.
I have forgiven, but at the price of my own sense of solitude from another person... Which in my opinion is a hefty one, but one that couldn't be avoided. I try to be friendly, and he didn't want to be friendly anymore...

And this is the way that I announce to the world: I finally, do not give a flying fuckery. Do with this information what you will; but as it always feels so good to punch it out into the airwaves: I am free of guilt, free of pain and free of regret. I am free to be free, and to continue enjoying the wonderful life that I have built for myself, and continue to climb ever upwards... You don't have to earn sanity... To have to earn forgiveness... Thats the real key to that glorious place... You have to undo the pain that you sewed into the sheets of life... To have to makeup for the things you have destroyed.