Freak of nature

Fear grips. Lights fade out. A figure dressed in normal clothes warps and turns alien. Glowing, and melting, the walls seem to breathe in and out, everything looks strange, tilted, like the room was built on a terrible slope... Will I fall off the face of the Earth? Will my mind survive this cavalcade of jumping, itchy, spine chilling epiphonies? Fear continues to grip, but my eyes cannot stop crying in laughter and joy. Afraid, but content, afraid but happy.

Strength. Dripped in what I would never want, but somehow do. Is this fair of me? To act and be this way? So much attention they demand from me, these eager, wanting faces. Are they real? Is everyone in this room actually in this room?

I don't really know if I'm even in this room anymore. Long day, even longer night. A busyness that I cannot ignore, tasks, tasks, tasks. I wear the hazy mask of alertness when my insides ache and my mind has been depleted of all happiness, yet somehow, that smile still continues.
Solice and comfort in singing old and forgotten heartbeats.

Long train ride, the evil stench of urine and alcohol... I hate this place, solice turns to the want to cry. What is so wrong? Why does this wrong feeling creep up in my stomach. Nothing that I am doing is wrong. Nothing that I'm doing is selfish, yet the feeling lies there anyway...

'It's what he thinks, holding me there, in that state of guilt. Forget, and enjoy the night to come'.

I forgot what it meant to just, chill out. I forgot what it meant to literally pass out. Didnt get what I came for, but got something out of it all just the same. A friendship, that I think I can finally allow myself to enjoy.

Next morning, falling asleep on the train. The place that holds me, the cavern, the dark, the dreary. The sun doesn't seem to shine once I've stepped through those doors, and seen that dark haired, miserable and opressive face.
Here, I'm the minority. Here, I'm the odd one out.
...Yeah... I'm a freak of nature.

Dreams crushing under the weight of peer pressure and conformity. Fighting and chasing an acceptance that will never come, because of insecurity and pathetic childishness. I need to get out. I need to find someone with a passion for teaching, not a passion for making money.

Fuck my life, but not on the weekends.