So maybe I'm not as good of a human being as I once thought. In a month I have gone from questioning everything else to questioning myself. Is it simply that I'm confused or is it that I'm just confusing everyone else?
Maybe its both. Maybe it's neither... Telling the truth, I can't really tell if I have two feet on the ground. I guess it's a frustrating feeling, when you are denied the simple right to let something grow. When I don't listen, I guess I only have myself to blame. Things like these take time, though it's hard to keep it cool when I feel like I'm surrounded by a pack of hungry dogs.
Broke
Jobless
Alone
being constantly reminded of an old life I miss for it's stability but not for it's company, being reminded of a life that once was and how different everything in this new one seems to be. As much as this ground shakes, no day is the same, everything constantly being renewed. Security had it's perks, but I find excitement here, as exhausting as it may be.
There is no motivation left in me to go and see him, or to get excited with anything that we do together. I know that if I allow myself to enjoy or believe in any of it; I will simply hear or see something within the short fucked up hours that will follow that will strip it all down, and then some more, leaving me more wounded than before.
I am being eaten alive by a boy with a very big apetite. An apetite for everything that I will offer it seems, though I am getting sick of it all. I've been over this for weeks, yet for some reason it's loosing it's shinyness real quick and the fear that grips me almost makes it too hard to move.
It seems in life, that karma has chosen this moment in my life for my moment of moments. With the lack of love and joy that I feel for anything right now I'm almost afraid that this could end me. By the end of this; I'll either be so gone beyond repair that I'll just stay a broken heap in the scrap yard of life, or I'll come out of the ashes like a new born Pheonix, rise again, and take the glory for myself.
Its all or nothing. This is the challenge of a life time, the most pain I've endured in a long time. Although it might look as if I'm simply continuously picking up the same poisonous snake thinking 'this time it wont bite me' and voila! Next thing you know I'm speeding off to the ER with a snake bite on my face. I am aware of these dangers, my joyful, loving friends...
But someone needs my help. He needs a friend now more than ever, and to abandon him to this cruel world would be the worst thing I could ever endure. So I will go through with this shit, I will continue to plough through the heavy snow, to find that sunny glowing feild of daisies that are over the hill. The bridge is a dangerous one, but he has to cross it; and I'll cross it with him, if he'll let me.
Just scraped through April, pray we'll all make it to the end of June.
Don't give up hope; don't give up smoking... Just look where you walk next time, cuz its getting wet and slippery. Cold weather is snuggle weather, I hope that makes this easier.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monsters and Contemplation
I go through all this, before you wake up; so I can be happier, To feel safe up here with you... It's scary being on this mountain, so close to the edge. Though this beautiful view is so astonishing, I think it's naive for us to be so close to the edge... Nothing that I seem to try makes me feel any closer, any better, fitter or happier. But just seeing his face, brightens that misery.
And although I do all this, before you wake up, I don't feel happier, to be safe up here with you. Well I just don't know what to do anymore... God this fire feels wild, and it thrills me... Until we run out of what you crave most; then I seem to crawl back inside my head.
Because it's in those moments where I realise how little difference my company makes to your day. What ever can I do up here? Whatever can I say to make you come back from being up in that cloud? When change braces reality, you cry and run back inside... Yet I'm still left up here to contemplate the way in which we start our day.
Is it all just too much to face? To bear? We look out over this crashing seashore, and throw these little things off, like car parts, bottles and cutlery; or whatever I find lying around. Though I trust you, I get the feeling that when you get bored you'll simply throw me off too... So I go through all this, before you wake up, so I can feel happier, to feel safe up here with you...
Though I don't feel safe, when my feet are back on this ground, I feel it slipping and sliding under me, like I was destined to live up there forever. What if I forget how to come back down?
Have you forgotten? To breathe in the space that has been given to you? Have you forgotten what your heart sounds like beating at normal pace and rhythm?
What can I do to bring us down, to look for other little things, like sea shells and sweet nothings.
To find a simple solitairy joy in claiming innocence and ignorance to the darker things out here, those shadows that stalk our steps at night, and make us do things till morning light. Are they all good or all bad? How do we get to know those tricky elements of ourselves that only rear their ugly heads when we are stressed... With you there's no stress, only in the moments after you.
With your cryptic words and gestures, a simple fact that actions mean either nothing or something, that what I see and what is real could be so far away and apart, like my feet and my mind, one on the ground and the other in the sky... What I would give to take on that challenge with you, what I would give to throw this world upside down and refurnish the interiors, day by day growing and cultivating this garden,
Like a secret recipe for strength and colour,
Like an energy source as abundant as the sun, our own collective of warmth and life. It's an energy this, and although I see much in black and white this contains too much grey for me to pull apart. Could we be pulled apart? If what I found was unhappiness? Or would we stay and try to change the oil and bang around under the hood.
We don't know how to fix cars but I wouldn't mind trying with you.
I would try it with you.
Take my hand and take me there,
Take me anywhere but here,
Cuz there are scary things under my bed,
And a monster that lives inside my head.
He only comes out when I'm alone,
And tells me I have to stay at home...
And although I do all this, before you wake up, I don't feel happier, to be safe up here with you. Well I just don't know what to do anymore... God this fire feels wild, and it thrills me... Until we run out of what you crave most; then I seem to crawl back inside my head.
Because it's in those moments where I realise how little difference my company makes to your day. What ever can I do up here? Whatever can I say to make you come back from being up in that cloud? When change braces reality, you cry and run back inside... Yet I'm still left up here to contemplate the way in which we start our day.
Is it all just too much to face? To bear? We look out over this crashing seashore, and throw these little things off, like car parts, bottles and cutlery; or whatever I find lying around. Though I trust you, I get the feeling that when you get bored you'll simply throw me off too... So I go through all this, before you wake up, so I can feel happier, to feel safe up here with you...
Though I don't feel safe, when my feet are back on this ground, I feel it slipping and sliding under me, like I was destined to live up there forever. What if I forget how to come back down?
Have you forgotten? To breathe in the space that has been given to you? Have you forgotten what your heart sounds like beating at normal pace and rhythm?
What can I do to bring us down, to look for other little things, like sea shells and sweet nothings.
To find a simple solitairy joy in claiming innocence and ignorance to the darker things out here, those shadows that stalk our steps at night, and make us do things till morning light. Are they all good or all bad? How do we get to know those tricky elements of ourselves that only rear their ugly heads when we are stressed... With you there's no stress, only in the moments after you.
With your cryptic words and gestures, a simple fact that actions mean either nothing or something, that what I see and what is real could be so far away and apart, like my feet and my mind, one on the ground and the other in the sky... What I would give to take on that challenge with you, what I would give to throw this world upside down and refurnish the interiors, day by day growing and cultivating this garden,
Like a secret recipe for strength and colour,
Like an energy source as abundant as the sun, our own collective of warmth and life. It's an energy this, and although I see much in black and white this contains too much grey for me to pull apart. Could we be pulled apart? If what I found was unhappiness? Or would we stay and try to change the oil and bang around under the hood.
We don't know how to fix cars but I wouldn't mind trying with you.
I would try it with you.
Take my hand and take me there,
Take me anywhere but here,
Cuz there are scary things under my bed,
And a monster that lives inside my head.
He only comes out when I'm alone,
And tells me I have to stay at home...
This Girl Before You
Your eyes,
I see a smile in your eyes,
And everywhere I go,
Will your eyes, follow?
And those lips,
I wanna kiss from those lips...
And everywhere I go,
will your kisses follow?
See this girl before you?
You know she's pretty scared,
Cuz she wants to get to know you,
wants to wake up in your bed,
And loving you is scary,
Cuz she doesn't know where she'll end,
But she takes comforting in knowing,
That where ever she is going,
If she looks over her shoulder...
Her kisses and smiles are right behind her.
I see a smile in your eyes,
And everywhere I go,
Will your eyes, follow?
And those lips,
I wanna kiss from those lips...
And everywhere I go,
will your kisses follow?
See this girl before you?
You know she's pretty scared,
Cuz she wants to get to know you,
wants to wake up in your bed,
And loving you is scary,
Cuz she doesn't know where she'll end,
But she takes comforting in knowing,
That where ever she is going,
If she looks over her shoulder...
Her kisses and smiles are right behind her.
Tired eyes
These eyes are tired,
of welling up everytime
you prove all of them right,
and I,
dont wanna believe what they say,
but it's hard for me to breathe,
when your head is a lock,
and through this maze is the only key.
These days are like fire,
and I am a tree,
Although my seeds have opened,
I'm dying in this heat.
What I thought I could handle,
I don't want to give up,
By admitting my defeat,
Through the thought of something to love.
Why wont you lean on me?
Work through your mistakes?
Try to find the sunlight through the sleet and the rain,
Watching this is scary,
It's killing me inside,
but a promise is just a promise,
as a lie is just a lie.
You told me that the pen,
is sharper than the sword,
and although I'm not bleeding,
it's a feeling I can't ignore,
And what I would give to live,
One thousand of your smiles,
But a promise is just a promise,
As a lie is just a lie...
A promise is just a promise,
As a lie is just a lie...
of welling up everytime
you prove all of them right,
and I,
dont wanna believe what they say,
but it's hard for me to breathe,
when your head is a lock,
and through this maze is the only key.
These days are like fire,
and I am a tree,
Although my seeds have opened,
I'm dying in this heat.
What I thought I could handle,
I don't want to give up,
By admitting my defeat,
Through the thought of something to love.
Why wont you lean on me?
Work through your mistakes?
Try to find the sunlight through the sleet and the rain,
Watching this is scary,
It's killing me inside,
but a promise is just a promise,
as a lie is just a lie.
You told me that the pen,
is sharper than the sword,
and although I'm not bleeding,
it's a feeling I can't ignore,
And what I would give to live,
One thousand of your smiles,
But a promise is just a promise,
As a lie is just a lie...
A promise is just a promise,
As a lie is just a lie...
A sickness
I'm so sick...
Of trying to figure out your shit,
There's a smile on your face,
but what's really behind it?
I want to figure this out
But you just stay silent,
So I'm going home,
My heart it wants to go home.
I'm so sick...
Of holding back on everything,
what's really so wrong with stating my place?
Cuz when I open my mouth,
You tell me it's a mistake,
So I'm shutting up.
You happy?
I'm fucking shutting up...
Whats the point in making a foundation,
if it's moving all the time?
I get the feeling if this was working,
I wouldn't be getting fined,
for having a heart thats filled with you,
you said you didnt want me too.
of making excuses for your head,
my hearts protecting you from my brain,
but much more more of this and i'll go insane,
all i wanted from you,
was to find out if you cared for me too...
Of trying to figure out your shit,
There's a smile on your face,
but what's really behind it?
I want to figure this out
But you just stay silent,
So I'm going home,
My heart it wants to go home.
I'm so sick...
Of holding back on everything,
what's really so wrong with stating my place?
Cuz when I open my mouth,
You tell me it's a mistake,
So I'm shutting up.
You happy?
I'm fucking shutting up...
Whats the point in making a foundation,
if it's moving all the time?
I get the feeling if this was working,
I wouldn't be getting fined,
for having a heart thats filled with you,
you said you didnt want me too.
of making excuses for your head,
my hearts protecting you from my brain,
but much more more of this and i'll go insane,
all i wanted from you,
was to find out if you cared for me too...
Little Clock
I know it's wrong,
but it feels so right,
I shouldn't be knocking,
Knockin on your door tonight.
Little clock,
Tick tick tick
On the wall inside your house is reading,
five past nine.
I hesitate-- but I'm so impatient!
Maybe I should just wait?
Rehearse the lines in my mind,
A conversation I've had with you a thousand times.
but it feels so right,
I shouldn't be knocking,
Knockin on your door tonight.
Little clock,
Tick tick tick
On the wall inside your house is reading,
five past nine.
I hesitate-- but I'm so impatient!
Maybe I should just wait?
Rehearse the lines in my mind,
A conversation I've had with you a thousand times.
Love, Life or Otherwise
With a feathers weight I hear your words fall,
And I have nothing left to build this wall,
This ancient place,
My hearts disgrace,
It's been such a long time,
Since I've felt anything at all...
It's in the way we roll,
How living the life is taking it's toll,
Staring into these blue eyes,
It's life, it's love or otherwise.
The world changes,
The world changes,
As we grow throughout the ages,
What am I to do?
Stuck in these lyrics of you.
So we took the long road to the beach to get away from,
The bustle and the streets and we had dirt on,
Our feet,
Our feet.
We walked along through sun and storm to have things,
To have have things to talk about when we got old,
Everything was gold.
Everything was gold.
It's in the way we roll,
How living the life is taking its toll,
Staring into those green eyes,
It's life, it;s love or otherwise.
The world changes,
As we grow throughout the ages,
What am I to do?
Stuck in these lyrics of you.
And I have nothing left to build this wall,
This ancient place,
My hearts disgrace,
It's been such a long time,
Since I've felt anything at all...
It's in the way we roll,
How living the life is taking it's toll,
Staring into these blue eyes,
It's life, it's love or otherwise.
The world changes,
The world changes,
As we grow throughout the ages,
What am I to do?
Stuck in these lyrics of you.
So we took the long road to the beach to get away from,
The bustle and the streets and we had dirt on,
Our feet,
Our feet.
We walked along through sun and storm to have things,
To have have things to talk about when we got old,
Everything was gold.
Everything was gold.
It's in the way we roll,
How living the life is taking its toll,
Staring into those green eyes,
It's life, it;s love or otherwise.
The world changes,
As we grow throughout the ages,
What am I to do?
Stuck in these lyrics of you.
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