Can you see what I see?

"Can you see what I see?

No I don’t think you can

I see images of nothing

and I attempt to make that

nothingness mean something

As hard as I try there is

still nothing and that nothing

is meaningless

I am somewhere else now, outside

I am surrounded by people and

the sky. I see the people and the

blueness of the sky

but still nothing has changed

everything remains the same

I am still alone"

This is myself...
This is my life, and although it may not be much, it is mine; and currently no one elses.

Why is it that this life I live is not suited to our society, that my mind is telling my soul to change? We are built on connectivity in the congregation, and in my case it seems that a difference has developed, and that society thinks, as a mass- this difference makes my existance worthless.
Must no one see light as I see light? Beauty in what I see as beautiful? Must everyone be connected only to that which says 'be this way because you are told it is what you should be'-- rather than to connect with the powerful but fluid natural instinct within connection in it's entirity, which appears to me as a much simpler and far more enjoyable art than anything this precise yet innacurate heirarchy of powerful opinions demands from me as a part of their system...

To touch... It seems something is important, and very sacred within this act. To simply be in a silent moment of frozen thought and time, where our most powerful instinct is initiated through a fingertip to anothers fingertip... Yet noone will express it's joys, or truly delve into what makes it so perfect in it's simplicity, without having this confusing, challenging and timewasting cavalry of games our mind initiates due to our insecurities and negative influence...
It is not interaction that I crave, solitairy is a joy for me; I can and usually prefer to work on things in my own time, in my own way... It is in how another persons skin feels, electrifying my every nerve as it becomes a force with my own. Everything is vibration, is energy, and it is during this exercise that I know who I am most, why I am here... Why we are all here.

I am not speaking of sex, though it holds a realm of worth all in it's own. It too has been cheapened by the very nature of this world that I am so forcefully trying to change, which in turn is having more success of changing me; more so, creating a stronger insecurity about this life of mine and it's worth in the long run, if this is all I have to face in the future. Avoiding this truth in life is difficult, and so because of this, because of my search to find appreciation for that which I appreciate most in others... I look in the eyes of this strange world as someone who is easy, someone whose dating history looks worse than chernobyls nuclear contamination. People see my behaviour as such, toxic, bad for the soul... When it is my soul that drives me in this continuously unsatisfying search.

It is in the complete opposite of this, I am not easy. And that is my problem. That I am not the same, and are finding it fruitless and unfulfilling in pretending that I am, or trying to be... I seem to be alot more difficult than people first believe. And in my good looks and sociable nature, people get the wrong idea about intent, and like a seed that gets no water, like a fire that is fed no wood- it dies before it can truly benefit anyone or anything.

... The fact that I appear to be lacking in the successes that others cling too for validation; is something that to me, when alone, is indifferent. I have dreams and aspirations, I am human afterall... but by no account are they the drive in which I continue to exist... And it would stay that way too- if I was not so cruely reminded of this state as a failure by the very people I seek connection with. The traditionalist view. The perfect match, the one, the partner... It is no longer decerned by what resides in instinctual evidence, but the amount of things a person is currently undertaking, and triumphing over, their assets, what they can bring to the table; a burden or inconvenience? Or a self containing, sufficient unit that puts back into the system?

Once again, if this was seen in a realm that I could understand, it wouldn't bother me either. I am forced to question where I currently sit, because the heart that I yearn to disect will not let me in because of this very judgement that appears to be evident in the rest of the world. Like I said before- that people see my intent and misunderstand it, but refuse to allow the heavily reinforced walls around them down for long enough for me even to show or explain what the reason behind the nature is...

People reject what they don't understand, and I am so heavily misunderstood. It denies me, because it does not see past the present yet temporary circumstance that hangs so heavily over my life, and now over my heart.
No job. No car. No immediate routine that supposedly gives me purpose. To dream big in a time whilst acheiving little is simply not enough. A lack in attention to detail, for I acheive much within myself without having these other complications at present... But people only see what they can understand and process, and apparently my heart is incredibly hard to swallow.
This is what I am currently doing with my nine to five hours... but it doesn't necessarily decern who I am as truth or fiction.

As a fiction: I know who I am.
As a truth: I know who I don't want to be.

I dream of a day where everyone speaks their mind before their mind has had the chance to disconnect from what they had originally felt at first glance, to generate the thought in the first place... And cries for a time where things were less complicated due to this fact... Without chaos there is no appreciation of the peaceful times, and what is more chaotic than impulsiveness to this version of mankind? I yearn for the revelation of my generation.. The heart is like a fire... Feed it nothing, and it will not burn.

Life flows through the rebirth, and without stimulating heat- we do not grow. so rise above the corpses my fickle friend and plant your seed in the fernace of your heart...

Time, is present. A constantly moving construct of the universe, that takes our life force from us no matter what situation we live in. Time is precious, and although it is to me right now one of the most dependable structures I can count on, it is also the most temporary and unknown... So why do we waste such precious life on the civil tongued, everyday banter, this back and forth of mentally generated, carefully constructed insanity of simultaenious enjoyment and dismay? In the same way that a smoker believes a cigarette will help them somehow, make them feel better- people feel this routine is necessary in order to have a happy fulfilling relationship... When if you simply looked for the answers to the lower left, instead of in the mushy grey sponge that sits in the hollow shell above- things could be so much sweeter?

My point is this: Play the game of the 'inbetween time' with boys and girls or be doomed to lonliness forever?

I'd rather be a spinster for the rest of my life and know that my intentions and my tongue always ran parallel; and that because of this I know where I stand in my life with all things. To open to someone in honesty, and to hurt someone in the same truth at a different time is a price I pay, and a guilt I carry... To me it is a necessary sacrifice in order to find the only thing I know to be infinite in this realm of existance, the only force to exist in this life and the next... When something departs and continues the search, there was not oneness to begin with. This should not be looked on in anger or despair, but the simple truth of the fact. It takes two fingertips to touch and connect just as it takes two hearts, open to the same line of communication. It seems however, that most frequencies I've encountered have not been in a language I could understand.

To try and create love with the implemented calculation of the mind is a false and cruel intention; because love is something that cannot be calculated. I have spent a long time coming to this inevitable conclusion, and for that I apologize to the world, and to the people who have seen this pain as a mountain to overcome... Like I said, my only intention was to find love, not create misery.
The reason my past attempts have failed, was due to my own insecurities that drove me past what I instinctively knew at the very beginning of every interaction, and I have been a slave to this yearning, this search for a love as great as God to the point where I went against this instant feeling, to try as others do try, to play the game that I cannot win.

Oh yes, we're all innocent at heart, but the blight on mankind is that we think with our brains too much. Calculation, cuts off and pulls away at emotion... Trust your instincts...

...To connect you must trust you instincts, to have faith that those instincts are right...

To feel... And to be upfront and honest about it. To embrace the overwhelming, the giddy, the butterflies that hug and kiss your stomach. The moment finally embraces you, a timeslowing, altering millisecond that seems like an eternity, like the silence you feel in the deep breath before the plunge- what you feel is at your most raw energetic sense, free from all the constraints your mind has already begun to put in place as a defensive mechanism to steer from possible pain... It is no more natural than laughing instinctively when someone tells a funny joke, or smiling at someone who smiles at you... You don't wait three days, then ask them out for a casual coffee or afterwork drinks and then express your appreciation of that persons wit...

Life is instantanious! Life is instinctive.

This is the core of what makes me still consider myself human, yet ironically it is the huge pink elephant in the room of the world, and everyone is aware of it. Everyone is afraid of it... The most important thing you could possibly learn from this moment of indirect communication...
An educated decision is just that... Calculated, overthought, overworked, clinical, sterile, analytical... dead.

We lose too much of what we really are in working something as complex and unfathomable as love in our brains... To analyse until we find a way to make it what we want it to be... I have fallen prey to this, to over analyse, to deny the truth that lies under the superficial layers of our own distortion on reality, thoughts driven by what we think we want as truth, not truth in itself, because it conflicts with what our head wants; not what our heart says.
To some the heart can say it, and the mind refuses to hear, because it disbelieves in the truth of emotion. It sees unconventional irrationality, a giant spanner that if thrown into the works- could destroy everything that they believe in their minds is worth value. This insane drive to control all that we are as a logical reasoning, that such a foreign feeling is so alien that the natural response is rejection... A purpose is a purpose, and if it is yours truly, you will achieve this in life... To assume that all you think your life is amounting to could be risked on the simple exploration of a feeling is a tragedy...

I am an animal. Animals are instinctual, it is in our nature to go by what we feel, and our growing arrogance as a race has us recognising untrue emotions- thoughts rather than feelings, Ideals rather than opportunities.. We are not robots, yet we behave as such.

And I won't be ashamed of the honesty that I provide my existance by now living in my heart, which is a reality so many people run from. I am not every other woman or man that's given you reason to distrust what is still good and pure on this Earth- so why is it that when I feel this feeling, this purity amongst such a dull and uneventful existance, do the people in which I attempt this exercise project the pains delivered unto them by others, onto me? To run in fear and blame and doubt, rather than to simply refer and exist within what was felt the first time my fingers ran across your bare and naked flesh.

To bare your all. To stand comfortably naked, unafraid of vulnerability. The human race needs to stop looking at everyone in distrust, and start reopening to the unknown. Every new encounter we experience is unknown, and it takes a certain trust in this driving energy within us to reopen after pain. People need to stop being afraid of pain, it is an incredibly important part of life...

I used to judge new experiences on past ones, taking the experience of life and holding onto the negative, focussing and projecting the fear of failure onto others. I used to believe that the heartache I have felt from others was a just reason to distrust first, for them to prove their worth over time.
But you are different, as I am different. I am not the same as who ever she was that made you think twice before the wonderous embrace, just as you, whoever you are- will be unlike those that have taken all my heart has offered, and left it barron and raw due to selfish intent and dishonest communication. To exist accepting connection without intention, without affection. To fuck but not to feel.

So why do people do it? Cut themselves off from the possibilities of the new, due to the insecurities that the calculative brain involuntarily set in place from the experiences the past has left them with? Habit. As muscle has memory, so it would seem, does our behaviour. Our brains look at situations that appear to cause us grief or pain in life and associate that with negative, with the bad. So the next time a situation presents itself where the brain can calculate the possibility of a similar outcome- it will discourage, and deflect rather than reopen. It is in these behavioural disorders that we fail to understand that everything is a cycle, pain is a necessity and we will be exposed to it in ways more complex than we understand at this present time in this existance. It was not the journey you tried to walk along that was the cause of the pain, it was the company of whom you walked with.

Thus bringing me to the next step our brains seem to take; the influence of the outside stimulus that 'helps' us discover what we percieve in this state to be 'the one we're looking for'... And I apparently, despite my willingness, are not appropriate for that selection criteria, because I don't have enough things to busy myself with to distract and detatch from the fact that this materialistic although whilst intellectually stimulating existance will do nothing to find true, pure, bliss in love. For what could possibly be negative when encountering love?

The purest of positive energy. That which drives this universe, the only capability of conquering over all other emotive stimulus. It gives a will to live, yet we are helpless against it. To love, is to be with God; for God is pure energy, God is the purest of love. And that which exists in the divine white light of holy ascention is free of all negative stimulus, is free from the heavy darkening weight of the realms of destruction... Free from the tainted, imperfect world that man has brought upon himself...

So why does it seem that I am the only one willing to at this point in life look for that contentment in who I am and what I live for? Why is it that by this purpose that I have defined myself as an existing force in the universe- I am already rejected and denied by those whose hands I wish to touch, simply because of a predisposition in others than I am completely powerless to alter in anyway?

People don't understand- they see constriction and control where I see release and freedom... I am a soul looking for another in whose company I can enjoy and delight in that simple act of touch, of expressing the strongest impulsive emotion I know, yet have never truly known in the grand scheme of things.

To be allowed to express affection as it comes naturally, without having to wonder about the timing, the place, how long I've known them, to be forced to hold back for a moment in time to contemplate the fear within that comes with every possible action that could result in rejection... To allow the heart to move into the head- to compliment, to jest, to communicate from a means higher than simple communication. To transcend the barrier of seperate existances and join to form a single, powerful, collective unit of electric connectivity between every atom of what keeps me bound to this physical being.

To know what it truly feels like; to have the fingers of my spiritual essence entwine with that of another humans. To connect in a realm that is so fucking non existant from this one.
Finding this, with another that has the same intent, and equality and a power at once- the 'perfect one for me', as i dont doubt there are many that are 'the compatible enough one'... I refuse to allow myself to be involved with someone I know, is only partly this, or suitable enough for a happy existance... I do not want half of a relationship, half a connection, or a one sided connection resulting in a new way for me to rediscover that which I already know- how incredibly unique and rare a thought wave like this within me truly is...

I am resiliant and strong willed, I know it is within my grasp, this unbelievable euphoric existance. I have felt it my whole life, and know the divinity in this search. To form into the lotus, one must first grow upward through the muddy swamp, to arise and overcome the stresses and challenges that present themselves in the present to gain a grace and completeness in the future...
To arise, a budding flower, and to break through the water. To be graced with the infinity and magnetism of the Suns energy, warmth and light... And finally, after so much trial and tribulation, finally bloom into the true beautiful existance that I have awaited my whole life... It is my destiny, to one day bask within that light, that love.

I'm tired of being too afraid of saying what I feel. I have tried the controlling calculation of what my brain tells me will help me succeed with this purpose... I liked it better when I was being true to myself, even when I was still presented with failure in the past, at least I knew that it simply was not for me, not with them, not at that moment of time.

New age, new day, new chapter of life. A renewed faith in the mantra I have been faltering with my whole life, and I'll not allow myself to fall into any false ideals or existances with anyone until I know for sure in my heart of hearts- that there hands on my skin is like the wood for that fire, and from that heat the true potential of that power in connectivety will burst open the seed of my soul, and I will grow into that which I was put here to grow into...

Complete.