A forgotten story through the memory of smoke and haze.

A piece of writing I once started yet never decided to post, approximately a year old and from a very innocent time, the few naive steps I took in the weeks leading up to the fall of all falls, the beginning of the very near ending of my life as I knew it... This reminds me of the days when all that I became a slave too was still my friend, infact this retells the first puff, the first kiss, fuck, lusted thought and action. This was my one night stand with Methamphetamine, that soon thereafter turned into a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. Whilst this story speaks of the drug in a positive light, I urge you from the other side of that pipe to consider this infatuation as Satan himself. The purest of evil, the strongest temptation... To claim you, the devil will not adorn his true terrifying self; but will appear to you as the sexiest, most perfected slice of chocolate cheesecake you have ever laid eyes upon. He will come to you, pretending to be a Godly Angel with words of ambition and purpose, to bind you to a life with no purpose at all... Take it from me when I say, there is nothing positive or justified in Methamphetamine. It destroys human beings from the soul outward... By the time the addiction is visible on that poor victims face it's already too late- because by that point their very essence will be so badly corroded away that they will see everything beautiful and sacred in the world as a horrible curse on their life, the love they will feel for the only thing that can make them happy anymore will slowly but surely destroy their loves and passions for everything that ever once defined them as an individual. We need not fear the zombie apocalypse... For there is a vaste horde of living dead, walking down every alley way, living in every dodgey little derelict house, standing on every dirty street corner... One tract mind, no moral groundings or emotions to create rhyme or reason... To these people there is one thing and one thing only- Methamphetamine... And they will turn on those that love them, they will prey on the gullable and the weak. They will eat you alive if it will help them get high--- Please, if you read this and you have considered trying this drug, walk away... I was lucky to escape it's prison after only six months... Others are not so fortunate or resilient to the want for something so powerfully useless. I am blessed to have a family that stood through me trying to tear apart the relationship I had with them, and still pulled through when I needed them more than ever... And It is only now, even after such a small time of being so blind: that I have finally been able to admit to myself the struggle I faced and still face today with my addiction to Methamphetamine... That even for me: From the very first puff, I had a problem. "She was mad at him. It was not something she liked, not something she planned acheiving at these things; but she was a girl on a mission. Like the way most of these stories pan out, it all boils down to chance and she knew that better than anyone. A lost cause and an ugly investment. It was never going to go down well; but she'd taken worse before... Oh so she thought to herself that night, in a sea of both strangers and old faces. A day of many days, and a thought unlike many thoughts... She sat in the house surrounded by few of her oldest friends and told herself that this was just a small time, once off venture. Just a small taste, just a little lie to herself. What she didn't realise at this point, was that all eyes were on her. All watched from their judgementless seats, but they all watched... The flame to the glowing glass, that tiny puff of smoke rising like a blooming flower... And she breathed in... As much as she could, exhaled and well; went back for more. What kind of taste is this? What effect is this? The lack of real rush or va-voom took her by suprise... She didnt expect it to be calming. Plans for a quiet night turned into one of partying; such an old story... So snapping back to her reality, this chatty, insecure girl with not even a heart to break, walks through the door of a strangers house, and lets herself loose on the population of the party... After spending much time in the busy corridor of the main room, she saw a face that she had seen before, but could not put a name to it... He was tall, with blonde hair; long dreads, for what was left of them. The rest had been shaved off in a messy fashion. She smiled to herself as she examined the boy; and the smile grew. She liked what she saw, something about his face that caught her. He opened his mouth to speak, and that which she knew all to well flowed from his cherry like lips. She hesitated when her friend told her to show the boy her tattoo, he was an artist afterall... She pulled her shirt up and exposed the birds on her back. And felt daring. They stepped outside for some fresh air. A beautiful wash of pink and green lights stained the darkness in the contrast of the glowing fire that housed a circle of odds and ends, huddled together for security, for warmth. She was buzzing, and didn't need warmth at all. In fact, she was having a good time. Suprise. As she rolled herself smoke after smoke she finally asked the boy his name. It was strong, sensibly suited, he looked like a Dom. After speaking some more; he parted, and her friends immediately went in for the kill... 'You should hook in with him tonight' she said, all starry eyed. She didnt realise that she had been so obvious with her staring, but the game was up. Her friends now knew that she thought he was cute, and devulged to her that he was available, and very much her type. She frowned at first, because this was not her intention. Infact, she didn't even know if she would ask for his number... A moment in a room; a dexie and some familiar faces... Got any gum? She asked, after realising that she had a growing paranoia that she would bite down so hard she might shatter her teeth. He smiled at her, and she followed him outside. It was at first, confusing for the poor girl. Sitting outside by the fire, constantly staring at the door, wondering when she'd see that face again. Had he left? She decided that sitting down and being antisocial wasn't going to get her where she wanted. She went back inside, walked through the maze of drunken stupor, and came to a room. A big smiling boy, a much older friend than most, was waiting for her there. 'I've got a pip with your name on it' he exalted, passing her the glass contraption. She did not hesitate this time, and did not care for the other four or five people in the room... She did not care, until he walked into the room. It was then, in that moment, where she made her first move. She wriggled over to the middle of the heavily deformed bed, looking more like some obscure lounge than a place for sleeping. A few of the wooden supports of the frame had fractured in the middle, giving it a somewhat sunken look; that is, you may never get out of the giant chasm in the middle of the bed alive, if you were to fall in. She propped herself up, against the back of the frame, and allowed him to sit beside her. After some idle chat, she asked for his number. Her breath held silently for a moment, until he agreed that this was a good idea. She smiled. Her first message to him, it must be witty and intelligent... She had however just enduced a big beautiful cloud of pep; and didn't really understand at that point the idea of wit. So instead she wrote down the Antsypants song that had been stuck in her head for the better part of two weeks straight... ' 'I am a vampire and I've lost my fangs again'... Smooth talking girly. It was cute, she thought, here they were, these two delicious strangers, texting eachother when they were literally almost too close to not be touching... She suddenly became aware that they were, infact, touching; knees pressed together in the huddled puddle of people on the bed. It felt nice. There was something cute and innocent about that moment, so full of excitement and happiness, a mixture of the drug and the situation. The following hours from early morning to dusk were spent as a group of people, the last survivors, sitting outside around the fire. Smoke after smoke was spent in these hours simply talking to new found strangers, and turning them into possible friends. The stakes were high, she knew that whatever came of the evening would help her gain a new sense of self in the world; but perhaps that feeling was the drug too... Perhaps it was her own mind, playing its little overwhelming tricks again. She didn't know what was really happening, so she played it as cool as she could. A treck to the shops, they all picked up and moved off, the idea of an afternoon barbeque looked to be the reckoning of everyone's stomachs... As she walked with the masses, another girl who she had known well but not well enough, approached her from the back of the pack. 'So you met my friend last night... What did you think of him?' She asked. Was this a probing conversation? Had he asked her to find this information out? She didn't know, but answered as best she could: 'He seems like a really nice guy, I'll definately call him; a date or coffee would be nice' she replied, as cliche'd and boring as she sounded, it was the truth. She indulged with the girl, told her that he had expressed his interests... Was this too good to be true? The barbeque was a success, everyone was happy. After the last of the drinks had been drunk, the girl was asked by a few if she would join them back at there place for more drinks and movies... He would be there she knew, and saw it as an open invitation to get to know him better. She accepted. It was a joyful car ride back to the lovely fremantle home, and she was blown away by how similar it looked to her dream house. A small, quaint but beautiful slice of heaven close to the cultural goldmine of Perth. Beautiful, lucious fremantle. It made her heart sing. The two sat side by side infront of the television, interchanging between cigarette breaks and straight vodka and ice. She had never drunk vodka straight and enjoyed it, but there was something smooth and warm about it, contrasted heavily with the cool and slick of the ice. Sitting outside for hours, they spoke of many things... Mostly of art. Where had this boy come from? His ideas and passions were almost too good to be true, and she revelled in the idea that one day this fine specimen of the human race might ask her out. Overwhelming enjoyment was all she could fathom in those moments, in the quiet cold of night. Back inside, they continued to sit side by side. A hand, a few fingertips brushed against hers. Perfection. She tried to resist the temptation, but could not. Their fingers slipped through and folded over eachother. They were holding hands... A true physical connection had been given. An opportunity. Perhaps it really was just as simple as two people holding hands, she was sure that she was overreacting in what she felt, but everything always seems to be in the extreme for her. And it had been such a long time since she had felt such a positive, happy vibe from someone else, someone who appeared so similar in passion and enjoyment of life... That moment, of pure enjoyable innocence, is where she wishes she could have preserved the progress. For now, things are in a much more terrible light. A loss of control, full reckless abandon left her high n dry, in the same room but a million miles away mentally. She was a fool, blinded by a future she was so desperate to acheive and experience that she tried to fast track the slow, progressive development of what was going on in reality to where she saw it all in the future. No patience, total disregard for 'the rules'... She wasn't playing the game anymore, she was rewriting the game to suit her needs better... Which would have been fine if her needs corrolated at all with what was actually fathomable. To 'shoot herself in the foot.' She didn't know what that meant, until now. She had a good thing going, with a great guy... And what romance and magic she inspired in someone else that had inspired so much in her has completely fizzled into a wash of miscalculated mistakes and a waste of opportunity. Instead of saving her time, she now looks into the future realising that things are going to take so much longer to get too, if there is any shred of hope that she'll get there at all. What is precious in life, is enjoying the little moments. Appreciate the time you're in, because it's always greener in the future and the past; but really these are just simple constructs that don't exist. There is only the now. The now is whats important, and she needed to learn how to appreciate the now for nothing other than what it was... And in that was her biggest mistake. We often learn the most when we loose something we know is valuable to us... I was misfortunate enough to loose what I had before I had really even spent enough time trying to know what I had even was, let alone whether it was something I could act upon. Life deals heavy blows, but we always come back stronger. Take advantage of daily possibilities, keep your head screwed down tight... The last thing you wanna do is totally fuck something up because you let it get way too loose..." An interesting beginning to an interesting year... 2011 is definately making up for it :) Hope you liked it, and got the message.