Pointless

It's all fucking pointless. I try and I try and I try to get what I want, to get what I need. But it seems that every step I take in genuinity makes me look more and more fake... Who am I really? This quiet and timid placid thing that does what everybody tells her day in day out, smiling on the outside and never complaining, until she gets home and unleashes all of her hatred and rage into the painful exhaling of cone after cone after cone...

Getting rediculously stoned to then follow through with passing out early and unproductive, pretending that I'll enjoy the 8 hours rest before waking up to do it all pathetically again, like I have some form of growth or enjoyment in this pointless exercise. The fat get fatter, the rich get richer the poor get abused and fucked over.

Why must everyone I meet feel that it's okay to shit on the little guy? Oh and trust me, you may not know it but at some point in your life, you've shat on a little guy... We all have. I'm just sick and tired of the little guy being me...

'Did I make a terrible mistake?

An error in judgement that I cannot seem to shake?

It looks as if I'm stuck here in this dream, yet I cannot wake.

I pull the terrors apart like pillows made of sand,

but underneath there exterior they're still uneventful and bland...

A splash of colour, a dabble of paint is all this place would need, a little yellow or something mellow to put the heart at ease,

It's hard when you're the only circle fitting into a square, you're really close but not close enough for any of them to care.

These pretty, pastel people,

these withered angry people,

these accosting costly people,

are taking my mind away...

And the harder I try to keep it from them, the more that I regress, and pretty soon I'll be so withdrawn inside that I too will be colourless.'

It's like they want to sew buttons onto my eyes... This place, was supposed to be full of life and enjoyment, where I would fulfil my dreams, where I would become who I was supposed to become. But it's so different to what I expected. I do not mind the work load, I'm not saying it's too hard... The tasks I enjoy, at least when I have to do everything it keeps me busy. It's the moments where I have nothing to do that stirs me... I can't stand being in the same room as her. If it's for more than 5 or so minutes, I feel my hands starting to shake... In fear, in intimidation, in anger and opression more than anything... 'All anybody knows, is your not like them'.
It's almost as if she feels she's got me figured out, when she knows jack fucking shit about me, or who I am.
None of them know me, would any care to find out? No, why should they? I'm just some stupid 18 year old hippy "What the fuck am I asking you for? You're just some stupid hippy".... Thats prejudice and fucking horrible. A manager is supposed to manage, but she doesn't! She just sits around and yells at people when they get too comfortable. She constantly has to 'redominate' like she's some lioness trying to keep her pride...

I'm not coming in to take anything from her. I just simply want to enjoy my work environment... Being this miserable, is not helping my art. I feel like I'm depressed more days out of my week than I am happy... nothing I ever do seems to make it any different... Just different in the way in which I go home feeling disapointed. Fml.

Memory Lane

This is the place you end up when you lose the chase
Where you're dragged against your will from a basement on the hill
And all anybody knows is you're not like them
And they kick you in the head and send you back to bed
Isolation pulled you past a tunnel
To a bright world where you can make a place to stay
But everybody's scared of this place, they're staying away
Your little house on Memory Lane
The mayor's name is fear
His force patrols the pier
From a mountain of cliche
That advances every day
The doctor spoke a cloud
He rained out loud
You'll keep your doors and windows shut
And swear you'll never show a soul again
But isolation pushes you 'til every muscle aches
Down the only road it ever takes
But everybody's scared of this place, they're staying away
Your little house on Memory Lane
If it's your decision to be open about yourself
Be careful or else
Be careful or else
I'm comfortable apart
It's all written on my chart
And I take what's given me
Most cooperatively
I do what people say and lie in bed all day
Absolutely horrified
I hope you're satisfied
Isolation pushes past self-hatred, guilt, and shame
To a place where suffering is just a game
But everybody's scared of this place, they're staying away
Your little house on Memory Lane
Your little house on Memory Lane

Freak of nature

Fear grips. Lights fade out. A figure dressed in normal clothes warps and turns alien. Glowing, and melting, the walls seem to breathe in and out, everything looks strange, tilted, like the room was built on a terrible slope... Will I fall off the face of the Earth? Will my mind survive this cavalcade of jumping, itchy, spine chilling epiphonies? Fear continues to grip, but my eyes cannot stop crying in laughter and joy. Afraid, but content, afraid but happy.

Strength. Dripped in what I would never want, but somehow do. Is this fair of me? To act and be this way? So much attention they demand from me, these eager, wanting faces. Are they real? Is everyone in this room actually in this room?

I don't really know if I'm even in this room anymore. Long day, even longer night. A busyness that I cannot ignore, tasks, tasks, tasks. I wear the hazy mask of alertness when my insides ache and my mind has been depleted of all happiness, yet somehow, that smile still continues.
Solice and comfort in singing old and forgotten heartbeats.

Long train ride, the evil stench of urine and alcohol... I hate this place, solice turns to the want to cry. What is so wrong? Why does this wrong feeling creep up in my stomach. Nothing that I am doing is wrong. Nothing that I'm doing is selfish, yet the feeling lies there anyway...

'It's what he thinks, holding me there, in that state of guilt. Forget, and enjoy the night to come'.

I forgot what it meant to just, chill out. I forgot what it meant to literally pass out. Didnt get what I came for, but got something out of it all just the same. A friendship, that I think I can finally allow myself to enjoy.

Next morning, falling asleep on the train. The place that holds me, the cavern, the dark, the dreary. The sun doesn't seem to shine once I've stepped through those doors, and seen that dark haired, miserable and opressive face.
Here, I'm the minority. Here, I'm the odd one out.
...Yeah... I'm a freak of nature.

Dreams crushing under the weight of peer pressure and conformity. Fighting and chasing an acceptance that will never come, because of insecurity and pathetic childishness. I need to get out. I need to find someone with a passion for teaching, not a passion for making money.

Fuck my life, but not on the weekends.

A true friend stabs you in the front

A terrible weight has been lifted, but a new burden has been created.
It's not in how we behave, it's in what we say... Words are powerful, and people don't seem to appreciate that. Words can cut a man worse than the sharpest sword... And I feel cut by whats unfolding here.

It is simply a decision that I, as an adult, decided to make with another adult. We are fully capable of making our own decisions, and it's something that we thought about, that we decided to go ahead with. This is not some last minute resort driven by desperation and lonliness. I'm not lonely at all, and I'm not desperate. This is not some cheap trick to try and swindle some poor unfortunate guy out of his money or love or whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be using him for... This was thought about, hard and long. This was cleverly constructed, and calculated. This was and still is communication, between us, those who are involved, just the two of us. And it's working out for the best... But do they know that? Do they care?

We are not what they think we are. This is not what they claim it to be. Closeness feels further away now, conflict divides and tears apart.
Perspective. The big picture... It's words like these, people like these and opinions like these that keep the love and goodness out of people's lives and hearts. It's a disabler; negativety.

It drives into people's hearts like stakes and turns what was good in them horrid and bitter... Breaks down the fortress created in multi-connected friendships... Words are poisonous, and I feel it now pulsing through me, like I felt it when I heard what someone very close to me had been saying... Rage. Resentment. I am being wronged, and out of the courtesies I learnt as a human being I choose to not make this an issue for him. I consider his feelings when he clearly does not consider my own.
I am disapointed by this. I am in pain because of this... I said so many things that night on tape. Many things that I had not said in a long time... I valued who he was, everything I have now with the people I love and know so dearly to my heart- all started with him. And he repays that love and adoration with snide comments and gossip behind my back, were we lesser people we could have let that destroy our chance of happiness together, and I don't know if he would even care... apparently we are not about us, but about him now... Such arrogance.

This is not friendship. I didn't really think that Tyson and I were best of buddies, but I thought we at least respected and understood eachother. I thought we shared a common ground, someone who knew the score... And underneath the constant shit and bullying "all in good fun and humour" he gets from everyone else, I never openly took part, I never pushed things past the 'too far' mark, like others have... I have never taken a cheap shot. I have never not listened to him, nor have I disregarded the things that he says. He is/was my friend, and I thought that was a feeling shared.

I am now awakened. This is all just some fake self security I've forced myself to believe because I wanted to believe I had found a friendship utopia. Where the people all loved me and cared about me and for me, and there was no judgement or whispering, and I in turn returned the feeling, a heavily nurturing and comforting environment... A place of escape, a place of humble people. I trusted him, and now I'm left feeling betrayed, angry, stabbed in the back...

Cheap shot, lost alot. Empty. Finite.

'A true friend stabs you in the front'

ten forty on a friday night

You're all so boring... go buy yourself a crazy hat or something.

My sun and stars

well what can I say? I have neglected this page whilst things have been unfolding; and so I haven't trusted my emotions which seem to change as quick as the tide. I thought it best to not immortalise my hatred for certain life choices, and would come to this place, when I thought I needed it most. And this is one of those times.

There is no creativity in me anymore. Work seems to be sucking all of my creative energy at the moment, and I'm constantly being frustrated by the conditions in which I have to create. It's hard, being in a loud, noisy, bright and unchilled environment, which crappy MTV blaring at me all day; to create a master piece, let alone get the idea for one to do later. The constant getting up, getting this, cleaning this, going here and there and that and when and how and who and ITS DIFFICULT FOR ME OKAY? *pants heavily*

I will adjust. I'm just not used to it...

There is light and hope at the end of this long, dark tunnel. After all, this is my dream, and you need to start low to rise up high. I'll work my butt off at that place if I have too, because I know that I'll get the benefit of being schooled and taught by a man who really knows his stuff.

The dust my friends, will settle. And I will be born again, as a new, improved version of myself. And in 5 years time when I look up to the heavens and say I FUCKING DID IT! I'll know that it was because of certain people helping me along the way.
Im beginning to understand the importance of happiness through association. Change group of friends and life changes too. This new walk of life seems to be the damage control sector, where I'm safe, nurtured, not making stupid mistakes and still having a great time. It's not always about partying hard and fucking myself up... This is about the bigger picture. And I'm glad that I found out how to zoom back out and get SUCH a better perspective on my future.

So thankyou, my sun and stars... It's you that lights up my days, my nights, my bed and heart.
Without your help, love and support, all of this would be in flames.

High, Single... Classical life

Strange, how things come into perspective some days, better than others. Hazy problems lie infront of your eyes, like this great veil over your life, distorting what is true and what is delusion. But there is reality out there somewhere! You just need to lift yourself up and look through that mind trap... You just need to keep pushing on, and stop looking backwards for answers to things that lie in the future.

People change. All the time, we change. I shouldn't hold that against anyone... But it's harder to do than say. I guess it's just scary because I dont have eyes looking that way anymore... And the longer it goes with me on the outside the harder it is to not fear the worst...

It rained today... but my top clung to my chest in the sweat of the humidity. deep thunder, dark blue, downward. Folding clothes and thinking. Folding clothes and pondering on all the daily drear... Where is the romance gone kids?

No one tries to 'sweep eachother off their feet' anymore. They is no scandal, no passion... No lust... All just appreciation and convinience. Why is it that all those that are willing to actually try to coerse you to try to get to know them, are all sleezy and ugly?
Why can't there be excitement and spontainuity with men these days? Where is the poetry, the passion that men like shakespeare felt for his women. Courting was so different then...

My bounty is as deep as the sea,

My love as deep; the more I give to thee,

The more I have, for both are infinite.

No more fire... No more passion. Just pleasure. and trying to fit it into the daily schedule? why dont they have rooms in the office for lunch time quickees? Would probably boost morale but would decrease productivety. We have become desensitised to sex because everyday it's in our faces and I for one, think that sucks.

Where is the rawness of sex, of loving... There must be fire for the wood to truly burn... I want to start exploring in the thrills and spills and pills, high, single, classical life. You should join me.

Put a dollar in my pocket

Got any cash, to catch the train?
You see I'd usually walk but it's starting to rain,
and my umbrella has a hole and it drips on my head,
i would drive if I could but no fuel means the car is dead,
Whats going on with the world today when a young driven girl works for nothing?
Cant get no pay, no bonus no christmas holiday, I don't get nothing anymore and it's making me consider becoming a whore,
shitty music playing on the radio station,
plug my ipod in and take a ride to a vacation spot,
in my mind in the back of my head where Im sitting in the bush with a pad and a pen,
where everything flows and there's plenty of inspiration,
cuz it's really hard to do my work at my work station,
the buzz and bussle of the city day streets,
I really hate the place, but im loving the heat.

Just keep moving on and things will get better,
cuz in half a years time I'll be sitting in heaven,
rolling in it man, then I'll be shouting the drinks,
buying things for my mates to make up for all the times I missed,
no more debt, no favours, no IOU's,
cuz I'll be my own person with more than just my teenage views,
I'll be myself, my own and nothing else,
And the only person I'll have to thank for it all is my fucking self.

I want to stand on my own two feet and shout,
Yeah, it really was just an excuse,
but-I'm-fucking-out-and-im-doing-it-now.

Fail Quail

Dissapointment... Its the feeling you get when you look at the things a person does and says, and you just know in your heart they're better then that but time and time again they prove to you just how stupid the amount of faith you have in them actually is...

Endless, pointlessness and lack of productivety... Who is he to say where and when he can draw the line? Time wasted, memories turned into ammunition with mallicious intent and slaughter on the mind. Continuous mindgames and settings to rip at old heart strings...

Pathetic, he is being rather. The constant fluidity of his mood swings. The hate and rage, where the anger takes over the brain and anything is said, everything is said. Running away from the problems he creates for himself but then doesn't want to solve... Sweeping old said words under the carpet and using apologies two hours later to try and pretend that everything is okay.

I am not a theif. I may be alot of other bad things, but I don't steal from people... And the fact that you don't know that only makes me conclude that you never really knew me, or what I stood for, and I would rather be single and hated than with someone who has no fucking clue who I am.

Spread Peace, or grow the fuck up.

It's Business time

Feeling like a goddess. Lying there, feeling the thud of your heart beat dropping down into your now removed underpants. feeling someone elses sweat on your skin, the heat rising, the smell of their breathe lingering on your lips... Exploding. Letting go, inhibitions to the wind; curling rising waves of effortless bliss; a painful yet rewarding molotov cocktail. Massochism, Sadism, bisexualism, transexualism. bondage, rape, sex tapes, hentai, graphic novels, betty page... Karma Sutra baby.

It's sex. And it's wonderful.

Do more of it.

A box of crayons

Wild dreams and restless nights... It's this big old bed, beckoning for his company. I never knew that I could be so willful... But I suppose I'm going to show the world that something good can work and it can work for me... Rediscovering the old, and the old discovering something new.

Blissfully enticing new days are becoming. When the old world sheds its skin and becomes the new world. When the dirty streets of the cold and quiet city fill themselves with cool breeze and sunny afternoons... Staring out the work window at the bustle of that world, Nothing makes me feel lonely anymore. He's like a box of crayons with which to colour my summer into new.

Contemplation and pondering... Is this something that I do too much? I suppose if one cannot live within there own head, they will be the first ones to crack under the pressure of lonliness and iscolation. I want to believe that no matter what goes down, no matter whether I find myself on that abandoned island- I won't have to blood stain a volley ball to keep myself sane.

"As the music roared, We moved through the crowd,

I kissed your lips, there was no one around..."

Your hearts all you've got, so why not use it? Constant smiles, ditzy eyes... The beaming rays of those lingering smells, tastes... It's physical, and radically infectious. I need another fix of my new addiction... But I suppose I'm too afraid to ever say so... Too much at stake to risk loosing it all.

Mmm... music is bringing a taste to my mouth. Mango smoothies and toasted croissants... Winter haze and smoke and rain. Vogue cigarettes and QV1 shirts. Back when I was young and stupid. Back when things like this didn't matter; where sex was as casual as coffee and brunch.

Things are different now, things mean what they didn't mean before... I think I have a conscience, and I like it. I know what I want now, more than I did back then.

There isn't much in this world that phases me, but who I used to be does. My past to me is a place I want to forget, I wish I could just live for the now without it all shadowing over my head like that.

"Without the Sun there would be no shadow. No number ones, noone shallow.

Without the sun there would be no shadow. Nowhere to run from the darkness within"

Lucky Lucky Lucky ol' me... I always seem to come up at the right time, perhaps I'm an opportunist? I suppose this opportunity would be stupid to miss, or to give up. After these past weeks gone I'm begginning to think I'm guided by a force much greater than luck.

Guitar Harps, wringing through my heart strings.

A simple lullaby, that cries to me from another planet.

Crying chords of melancholy fruit and apathy...

Sweet beautiful, Oh my sweet beautiful...

My sylvia and valentine.

Thumping heart sychronises to the drums,

rumbling in the deep of my soul.

Im in synch with life, with love, with myself.

Warm nights, long days, hard life but easy to breathe for once and again.

The great circle spins, with me stuck inside.

Over and over again, a simple cycle of pain and justification.

Of joy and light and shadow and colour...

Most of all colour and sound.

Free moving fingers over this keyboard with a full stomach and a cigarette in mind, an addiction that would be like giving up air.

New chapter, titled: Full moon under a suede blanket.

You're simple, but effective.

Your Eyes Follow

Take my hand and take me there,
take me anywhere but here.
Cuz there are scary things under my bed,
and a monster that lives inside my head,
he only comes out when I'm alone,
and tells me I have to stay at home.

Its your eyes, I see a smile in your eyes,
and everywhere I go, your eyes follow,

and your lips I want a kiss from those lips
everywhere I go, will your kisses follow?

See this girl before you,
You know she's pretty scared
cuz she wants to get to know you,
Wants to wake up in your bed,
and loving you is scary,
Cuz she doesn't know where she'll end,
but she takes heart in knowing
where ever she is going,
If she looks over her shoulder
her kisses and smiles are right behind her.

Its your eyes, I see a smile in your eyes,
and everywhere I go, your eyes follow,

and your lips I want a kiss from those lips
everywhere I go, will your kisses follow?

Meet me under the bridge tonight,
Even though it's raining light
I need to know that I won't be lost
to the monsters that I hate the most.
Take my hand and lead me to your special place
I touch your face,
and you know... That I'm not lying this time.

where is my mind?

As I picked my shit up and crammed it into a bag 2 sizes too small, and walked down a busy street, staring soley at my feet, cluthing pictures of past lover's at my side, I took a deep draw of my cigarette and felt the bitter-sweet taste of freedom... And as the smoke billowed from my nostrils and trailed away into the air I thought: 'This is the first day, of the rest of my life'.


Postal service in my ears and a heavy weight on my shoulders, but not on my conscience. In my mind and my heart- I am free... Free of doubts, free of fears, free of disapointments and guilt. I am free from myself, and free for myself.


Where Is my mind? Im not entirely sure, again. All i know is clubbing and drinks being offered to me round the clock makes my mind forget that its incredibly lost. Keeping busy, new job, new life... Choose life... But who would want to do a thing like that? I got one foot in the grave and im not stopping now...


Just keep swimming kid, yeah, just keep swimming... Hard days, 12 hours long... but good relief to come home too. Hat? I see a new thing unfolding before me, and I'm not entirely sure if I'll crash and burn or rise up to a new challenge, but hey, you only fail when you stop trying.

Things seem to be effortless, but I'm still tired all the time anyway. I think I'm just pushing my brain through a car wash, removing all of the negativety, the slouchyness and the bad vibes and thoughts and memories. They have helped me grow, helped me ascend to the mindset I have today... Those memories are the reason I survived up until this point. But I think it's time to build my future on new foundations... One's of proper support, one's of love and friendship and companionship...

The dog days are over

Things are looking up kid, yeah; things are looking up...
The dog days are over. The dog days are done.

Busy busy busy, but still coming up fabulous... Things seem to move alot slower, yet time ticks faster than ever before, where oh where is time going?
Rediscovering... It's always refreshing to find something new within something old... Like finding a vintage bottle of wine, and finally deciding to open it up, and taste it.

I don't really drink much wine, but I do know what it feels like to feel something so good... Something so soft, and pure. Tender touch. smooth, inviting warmth; a first amongst many firsts before, but this time was different. This time was special.
I want to appreciate what other people abuse, I want to comfort those that other people shit on. It's not fair that the beautiful people in life get turned bitter and ugly by other bitter and ugly people. Not physically, spiritually.
I want to help other people grow... Up and up and up, like the fire that cracks a seed open and reveals to it the otherworldly possibility of expanding up and out and down and in all directions, turning into a tree that can spawn new seeds of its own.

I feel like an old god walking down a new street. Take your life and cut it into 1 million pieces... Put it back together again, and no matter which way it turns out, you will always still be you... You will always still be perfect. I want to put music back into the airwaves, and give a kick to peoples steps... Free hugs anyone? Free advice?

"namo bhagavate bhai sajyaguru

vai duryaprabharajaya tathagataya

arhate samaskasambuddhaya tadyatha:

om bhai sajye bhai sajye mahabhai sajya-samudgate svaha."

A passage from the Bhai sajyaguruvaiduryaprabharaja Sutra... The medicine Buddha's mantra and Dharani... A mantra that I feel, calls out to me.

I want to be coated in white light... Healing light, that I can pass onto others. I want to take everything in my stride, be the bearer of other people's pain. Eliminate that pain when others can't. I have a new outlook on life after I decided to give a very special person a very special gift. But in giving that gift to them, I myself was also rewarded... I have not stopped smiling since.

Here you're allowed, everything all of the time... Here is my body, my soul, my heart, my mind. Use them as you need them; for I will never deny you. Everybody is somebody. Somebody important. Everyone has a devine purpose and reason for being here, and who will help us all in times of trial if not eachother? Cherish how fragile the human spirit can be sometimes, and others will cherish you.
Do good unto others. Help your god damn neighbour.

Today as I walked home from work, some cunts in a car tried to egg me. They shouted something obviously along the lines of 'I feel that my sexual performance is average, and im genderly challenged so I'm going to take it out on someone because I'm afraid of gays' and threw and egg... And it missed me. At first I thought "Sucked in, you cant throw"... And then I realised that I had obviously done something good that day, because it did miss, when it could have easily covered me in chicken period... Sometimes life does notice your good deeds, and it obviously does reward you.

I walked through the city yesterday morning... With a grin on my face as big as the grin I had drawn on my hand from the night before... And I smiled at people as they caught my eye, and not one of them smiled back. What is wrong with the world today? Can't people smile anymore? It was almost as if my smile insulted them, these 9 to 5 suit lackies, jealous that my morning was obviously better than theirs so far...

Something is terribly, terribly wrong with this world.

So, My lesson of the day is:

Be a good person, and you wont get covered in other peoples chicken period.

I should be a porn star.

confusing. Not sure about anything anymore really... Dont want. Do want. Think want? Not want.

Life blows inward, outward, everward. Cool green grass tips my toes as I walk bear foot across the oval. Patch of sun, sit down with a thud. Pull black skirt up past the knee, revealing bruised, scratched shins.
Drink it up.

Whip out ipod. Plugs in, phasers set to rock playlist uno. Pen out, book open. Black Emotive Scribble. Tired.

Sighing doesn't feel like sighing anymore, and there's this tight, uneasiness growing in my chest. Lungs burn, throat hurts. Leaping about the pace moving several miles per hour too fast for my legs, I think I lost them several days ago. Smoking bongs till my neck wants to fall off

Why do i want to run so bad, when everything but my heart tells me to stay? It's chaos inside here, plates smashing on heads, feeble strangle attempts. Lost and old regrets...

Give me a strength that I never had before, my old one isn't working anymore and I need another fix of affection... Wont some body need me? Don't all girls get this eager to please?
I guess I just like feeling good. When that adrenaline pumps through your veins and your hearts thudding in your chest because you know how wrong what you want is, when their skin touches yours, when you realise that this could be your moment to just scream... And when you grab ahold and take them, that explosion of joy that fires through your belly down into your toes and your legs start to shake because you want them so bad its making you feel physical pain???
I live for that feeling.

I like feeling like a porn star.

I just want to fuck off all that I knew, and pick it up with someone else who i know isn't going to latch on at the first sign of emotional hope. I want a friend, a companion that appreciates me enough as a friend to warrant the favour of a mindless fuck... You're friends, so its not empty; but because its lusty, its passionate and hard and god damn amazing.

Does that make me satan spawn?

Decode this

Break free from mother's teat,

Like tiny blue birds in the grass,

and golden tendrils falling down,

we'll grab from freedom to sing along.



All the rainbows deep concern,

is crashing down unto the Earth,

And swirling lights, watering eyes

Flashing beacons of Alien lies,



Growling dog on lonely cat,

we'll try to understand where we're at,

and if we cannot find what's wrong,

we'll all redose and smoke more bongs,



Take hold of lover's locks,

to recreate what we forgot,

and all that is this poet's mess,

was found from under your brother's dress.

There's freezia's growing everywhere except my house

It seems everywhere I go, elements around me remind me it's spring. The flowers are blooming, bees are buzzing around... The clock is eternally ticking, but I feel like I'm stuck in a muted box... Why doesn't the sun shine? It's stormy and raining, things feel dull and airy; almost like in slow motion, with water muffling all sound around me.

Guilt covers me, shames me. I look in the mirror these days and all i can see is how bent my nose is, an imperfection I only just noticed, but it's too far to one side. I hate my nose. So close to achieving the biggest dream I have ever had; and all I can think about is my fucking nose? When am I going to grow up?

Patterns, seem to spiral out of me when I'm feeling confused, unsure or upset. I seem to grab at the first person I can find and try to latch onto them for support... I never seem to stand up by myself and do something out of my own strength.

Glass of self loathing anyone? I think it would taste bitter, and smell like really strong industry grade cleaning chemical.
Talking... I'm just so tired of talking about the inevitable. Why contemplate what I already know is certain? I wish I had the balls to just smash this stupid box and step out into the sunshine again, maybe reestablish what I want and need in life.

Ahh... Conan... What is best in life? How could a slave know whats best in life and I not know? Why does everything I see everywhere remind me of a time that I was happier?

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some insight on Rambles

All I can hear is this heavy, thick background haunting of thundering rain... Filling my soul with sweet hints of melancholy. How horribly familiar this feeling is to me of late, like tiny itchy needles jabbing into every inch of my skin, and no matter how hard I scratch, the itch never stops.
When I look out at my life, everything looks in place; it's all there, everything is normal... But there is this taste in my mouth, telling me that it's not. Something isn't right, something doesn't fit in properly... and although I have my ideas as to what that might be, the fact that I don't know for sure until I remove it, or keep it all the same is terrifying. I would say I hate my pessimism is suffocating me; but I really don't like optimists.

Positive people shit me... They come in all shapes and sizes but the majority that shit me are the happy smiles, suzy homemaker, virgin christian types who only think the world is such a magical place because their churches superglued 3D glasses to their heads and their parents make enough money to shelter them from the horrors they see everyday on T.V.
They think they know how horrible the world is without experiencing it for themselves, they think the knowledge they have from other sources on 'whats wrong with life' is enough but really it's not...

They put $10 a week into a collection plate that goes to starving and misfortunate children in Nigeria and think they're a better person for it; but the truth is, until they walk out onto the street and see the pain and gloom around them that is this city, until they actually go out there to have a decent grope at the loins of our civilisation and realise that in doing so they contracted several diseases, until they actually delve into the depressive muck in this world= optimistic people like that aren't happy and full of joy and love, they're ignorant.
It is a blissful life, not knowing the truth... Maybe that's why people like that tend to except God. When big stupid rays of divine light are constantly radiating from your perfect repented soul, it's really hard to see behind the warm glowing glare on those awesome red-green frames.

But how can anyone change anything if they don't really know what they're changing? How can any of us, when all that we know is the information decided to be given to us, and the opinions or sides given to us... Everything we hear was chosen to be heard by a particular person, for a particular reason. Everything we see is just the same. How does the everyday man really see the truth for what it is unless they look at it with their own eyes? I'm so sick of mothers watching their 60 minutes on 'How video games made my son a criminal' and all of a sudden you have a parental lock on your foxtel for anything over PG and all your gore filled, machine gun firing games have dissapeared with not a nailboard weilding super mutant to be seen... It's all driven by fear these days...

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I suppose this is all based on me taking my mind off some inevitable truth that I'm too chicken to deal with yet... I suppose that's why I'm hating on hopefulls and optimistics: I can't be an optimistic person when the only crayons I have left are grey and darker grey.
I know it's ultimately better to look at things from the happier, positive perspective; but everytime I do I get the insane feeling that I'm lying to myself...

When someone fills your boost juice cup only 3/4 full, you think:

"That dickwad is stooging me out of $1.50 worth of my mango mantra!"

You never think "Wow, I have all that juice to drink".

You enjoy the drink and you are happy that you got it, you should be happy, you bought it. But when you pay your money for a product, you expect to get the whole product; and it's the same in life. No matter how good it tastes when you get the end product, you're secretly saying to yourself:

'It's good and I feel content but I got ripped off '

You pay the costs of living in a world surrounded by death, destruction, violence and crime; yet noone ever does anything about it. Where is the optimistic out look on that view?

"I'm surviving and noone punched me in the face today, but I got ripped off when I was sold the 'white mans dream'"

Where is the optimistic action around the real issues we need to deal with in our society? When some irate man throws his two pitbulls over a womans fence to attack and kill her dog whilst the man throws bricks over his fence into her yard in an attempt to hit her for no reason what-so-ever... What way other than taking forceful action do we have?
Talking nicely at people, avoiding the situation, turning the other cheek... I would much rather take the following action-
*get some evidence,
*call the cops on the asshole and
*have his two dogs killed. That gets you piece of mind, and you've done justice to the world you live in. Now there is no psycho in your street attacking you and your neighbours with crazy tormented dogs. Thats not the kind of thing you would normally hear about on the news everyday... Which brings me to a conclusion.

Taking action and solving problems has nothing to do with a mindset.

The way in which you approach the problem might, but ultimately we can see in our everyday suburban lives that sometimes in order to stop the problem- you have to punch it in the face. It doesn't matter if your pessimistically punching him in the face or optimistically doing so (if thats even possible). People who get things done aren't afraid to get their hands dirty.

So I say to you Oh Goody-two-shoes church goer: On friday night instead of going to youth or sitting at home studying, walk out into northbridge; find a fight and try to optimistically talk that guy out of bottling that other guy for staring at his drunk girlfriend. Or try to optimistically help that prostitute so she can stop pawning her dead mother's jewellry and selling herself the fuel her crack addiction...
At the end of the day- putting a 'nice nanna spin' on your words won't really change much... In saying that, not alot of whiny, despressive losers don't really change much either... Rather,

The people that put their own personal views on life aside to change that world, that is the kind of people we need making the changes... Those who fight instead of flight. Those who aren't afraid to see the truth with their own eyes and make an educated decision for themselves are the people that change things...

I haven't really had the opportunity to try this new outlook on the world around me, but perhaps that thing that I have been avoiding through writing this will be somewhat easier to think through now that I can have a new perspective.

See? Things are accomplished from innocent rambles!!
Ciao.

** I would also like to take a quick moment to say that I am not anti religious, nor anti christian. Infact I believe in the christian established God. I do not however care for his fan club, and believe that although some actions we take as an influencial society is good, however our constant baggering of non believers is NOT the way to go about creating empowerment through faith. Hard core christians never really seem to have the most realistic outlook on their lives or the lives of others, and so I dissociate from them. This blog is not taking a stab at Jesus, God or the holy trinity and what that trinity stands for... Just the other people who love him.

Gamer dreaming

Another crazy dream...
Much of it was forgotten by the time I woke up, but it became distinctively memorable when I walked into a kitchen-esque environment, only to find myself working with my older cousin, Adam, who I've not seen for a long time. I was remeniscing with him, laughing, organising some time in the future to catch up when this fat, brown haired woman comes into the room and starts shouting at everyone; so I assumed she was the boss.
She approachs my cousin and I, and asks him to open his bag. When he does, she discovers a container of steamed vegetables; carrots, peas, corn, etc...
She asks him to explain himself, and he tells her that he was simply going to take them home but replace them the next day because of a lack of shopping supplies in the house.
She proceeded to fire him.

I do not know what my dreams mean, or why encrypted mental projections chose to manifest themselves the way they do; but at this point the dream gets interesting.

My cousin (looking rather defeated) took his things and walked out of the kitchen. I was furious. I was mainly so angry because I had finally wound up working with someone I knew I could get along with, and now she had taken that away from me, but also because it was not only my own flesh and blood, but he hadn't done anything that bad to begin with... So, for reasons unknown to me, I picked up the white and red broom, started shouting insane, insulting rambles at her; and cracked her over the back with it.

And for what seemed like a really long time, I drove my fists into her face again and again and again... I ripped out her hair, clawed at her eyes and just; beat the fuck out of this fat, ugly woman... All because she fired my cousin? As it happened, as I was shouting and beating the woman, I was crying and laughing, like a crazy person.
Then I became aware that the cops were coming, so I ran. And as I ran, I realised that what I had done to that woman would land me in prison, or a fine; but I was pretty much fucked. So I just kept running and running and running, climbing buildings, and dodging in and out of the public eye. I remember getting onto a bus, and seeing the cop car with its sirens blazing go past me, wondering if they were looking for me or not. And I just kept on getting further and further into a suburban landscape that I had no memory of, until I thought I was out of there searching zone... Then a phone call at 4am woke me up.

Vampires, Zombies, Werewolves and police chases... Why do I constantly dream about violence and danger, my subconscious thoughts always seem so fucked up and odd. I don't understand why I have to run around so much in my head- when I wake up I feel more exhausted than I did when I went to sleep!
Maybe I do game too much.

A Huge Evergrowing Pulsating Brain that rules from the center of the Ultraworld

"Oh my gosh! The music just turns me on!"

The past days have been spent sitting beside my best friend of technology, pencil or pen in hand, creating piece after piece for my port folio. Listening to much earlier, experimental sounds; from dj's and artists in 1990's era. Alot of early Underworld, The Orb, the Grid, balancing that with awesome guitar works of zeppelin, the cure, Dire Straits, Joni Mitchell... Its been truly inspiring.

Well... What can I say of the days passed?> Life dreams are just withing my grasp; it's so close to the taking.. .And for the first time in what seems my whole life- I am working hard... Like really pushing myself for what I want. It's insane, I never realised I had a sense of drive like this.

So other than being suprised at myself, I have been slowly working myself back into the everyday norm of staying at home ... Always around the house, saving, saving, saving the pittance I make for a living so I can afford to cloth myself and no overstrain the boyfriend who has more emotional crap on his back than an emotional crap beetle...
But apparently boys don't cry. [insert catchy guitar riff here and enjoy with me]

So ask yourselves.. Am I being a better person by hanging inside like a shut in who burns easily? Or should I be out there spending my freedom partying like I used too?
A.K.A Im establishing my personal independence but in the same token, I don't want this much responsibility for myself... I'm looking at a hard road ahead of me, but I'm not backing down at all on this... I don't have any other choice but to try.
Why is it that I can't simply settle for settling? I feel barred, weighed down with no way of shedding the weight. Shed the weight-- loose everything I have been working so hard for...

Failure in a frightening thought. I cannot fail or I would have sacrificed so much to have gained so little. Slap Slap! Don't let myself doubt.

So yes my friends. This is why you don't see me smoking on street corners or stomping at bar open or sitting on a brick wall with stoners, ravers, rockers and drunks... Oh and hippies anymore... Because I got myself something that's worth sacrificing every spare second of every day for. And that is an exciting thought for me.

It makes me smile to see that there are still good and true feelings out there, and that I'm capable of feeling them. I'm glad I'm not all void of hope for me and my future, like so many people these days seem to have. I am not a lost cause.

Spread peace and mean it!

Crazy Dream

I fall asleep one night and find myself walking through a disconnected part of the city, with my girlfriend Imogen. We walk into a clothing store, and try on some stuff, talking away to the shop keeper... Once we have a full new outfit on, we both bolt out the door.
Sprinting down the street with the shop keeper lady after us, we hear cop sirens and turn into an alley way...
Suddenly we're cut off on both sides, and police begin to aprehend us. I start admitting that it was stupid and we were just trying to be rebels, that we understand what we have done is wrong. Imogen starts screaming at me to shut up, and that she didn't know me, that I wasn't her friend.
The police officer that is trying to handcuff me turns me around, and grabs at my ass. I spin around and start swearing at the officer, who is smiling at me. I tell him I am going to report him, that I have Imogen as my witness. He lightly smacks me across the face, telling me 'what are you going to do about it!? I'm a cop'. Imogen tells me that shit like this happens all the time, that this is what it's like when you 'live on the streets'. I look at Imogen and it's no longer her, just some ugly fat looking blonde chick that I had never met before. I immediately don't like her, noticing her mini skirt and fat wobble of stomach hanging out the front...
The police officer proposes that he'll let me go if I don't say anything about the assault. I get let go with every intention of telling higher authorities but I can't seem to remember their names. I walk through a gate, and I'm no longer in the city but I'm on my old highschool oval...

A teacher is patrolling the oval because it's lunchtime, and it's covered in students from my year. This is when I realised that I'm now naked; and only have the hand full of clothes I originally started out with in my hand. So I ask the teacher if I can stand behind him while I redress myself, he goes red in the face and starts sweating as I walk behind him. People notice me, but noone makes me feel embarrased, infact they all seem to be checking me out...
This is where my mum wakes me up...

My dreams are fucking strange, I wonder where this shit comes from...

On a very merry Sunday, Angela took some acid.

At approximately 10 pm in the evening, I dropped 3 cubes for the first time in my life...
Although I had trouble getting around the overpowering grittyness and sweet of sugar, I got through them and kept them down.
Within 15 minutes my stomach had turned into glowing warmth and my body began to shake. Cigarette consumed after cigarette I became overwhelmed with dizzyness. My breathing turned shallow and I had to sit down.
My boyfriend and I (who was also on 3 cubes) sat down on the couch and turned up the T.V...

This is where things started to get strangely out of control.
We were watching some random show I had seen a few times before, called 'Bones'. It was halfway through but the gist was that someone had staged a murder in a woods and blamed it on the 'angry witch ghost' who haunted the woods... It actually turned out to be the deceased mans brother... The team of investigative scientists examined the victims bones to determine the way he died and discovered enough clues to pin point location of death and eventually who did it.
Through the incredibly corny acting and the bad plot; We soon found ourselves in hysterics.

Why was everything so funny? My breathing was shallow and I had the vertigo feeling flowing through my body when my shoulders and legs were struck with terrible cramps, though that didn't stop myself from roaring with hilarity at everything I saw... I was having an awesome time already. Then we watched a show called Las Vegas which was even more hilarious than the next...
Corny and weird looking characters filled every second of the show, and after crying off all my makeup and giving myself a stitch, I felt the sudden urge to go to the toilet, incase I threw up (not something I wanted to do infront of my boyfriend).

This is where it hit me. I sat down in the room; where I can usually gage how high I am through how the patterns and colours bounce off the walls. The toilet floor mat began to crawl along the floor, tiny yellow fuzzy caterpillars dislodged and started up the walls. I grabbed for the paper but it seemed so far away from my hands, I couldn't seem to get it. And at that moment, when I looked back up to the ceiling, I became aware of what had taken over my eyes.

Swirling liquid fractals began to dance infront of my eyes, still leaking tears from all my laughing earlier. Beauty overcame me. I was in complete surrender to the dancing rainbows that distorted my vision to the point where I could no longer see where I was... I couldn't see my hands behind the gold and silver sheets of snow flake-like borders on liquid.
Emerging from the toilet; I danced to my boyfriend, who sat on the couch glowing.
"I have never seen so much beauty!" I remember saying with a laugh. "Everything is so beautiful" he smiled at me.

We went outside, and for the first time being on acid, there was no music playing. There was only the gentle rustling of the wind through the trees; the roaring rattle of trains... It soon went from familiar sounds to alien like omnious ringing and roaring, like great eerie dinosaurs waited beyond the fences of his back yard. All the plants turned into weird structures of green goo, like radioactive plants of another place... I was being overcome with an insane sense of peace.

We went into the bedroom and laid on the bed, and my laughing continued for what seemed like many hours. We laid in the darkness, which wasn't darkness but green and purple crystal like etherial cities that hovered above my face like a summoning necropolis...
Thousands of thoughts, epiphonies flooded my mind, witty sentences, ideas, threads of words that made no sense but perfect sense.
I was realising and forgetting at the same time, all secrets of the world, of the gods... I forgot how to speak English. Wanted to document my profound sense of divinity, I started scrawling half sentences onto paper, only to forget what I was writing half way through...
I remember saying 'I feel like Buddha!!' and something about an intergalactic, cybornetic matrix whale...

I was overwhelmed with all the joy I had ever felt in my life, and the intense colour sheet over my eyes began to dissipate, so did my uncontrollable laughter. There was no tension, there was no paranoia...
I now understand why people take LSD for god like encounters with themselves and the people around them. I now understand why people take such large amounts of acid; but I still don't think it should be okay to abuse the drug. I came to the conclusion that taking a heavy dose a few times a year compared to taking a little every couple of weeks is a much better option... That and only having like 2 cigarettes the whole evening made smoking cones the next day alot easier on my lungs... It was the first time in a long time that I didn't smoke pot during the peek of my trip either, and the feeling was very cleansing to my body.
The next day I tried to reread the things I wrote down, not much of it made any sense and my handwriting was incredibly difficult to read due to the urgency of loosing my thoughts.

Life is glorious, and for the first time in a long time, my acid was clean and strong and pure... I can't wait to save up for another experience like that. It drew me closer and made me feel more connected with the love of my life; and past tensions melted away into sweet euphoric pleasure...
The greatest part of all is it was just me and him, and the comfortableness I felt during that was such a blissful feeling indeed.
Having so much fun.

Oh, giggamegaterrabitter world- consume my emotional fiction

I've got these plans that are going to make me survive, but lately I can't even find my important side; just excuses and lies. Am I really as strange and off centre as everyone claims me to be?

I have been finding such odd contradictions with things of late, like my life is one big show- everyone looking in and shifting the truth, like puzzle pieces all trying to fit together, even when they don't. Is that fair? That my life is being chopped and changed by these strange clowns, each and everyone of them in their fat suits, their fake smiles... their ugly hair... Why should it be me that entertains their thoughts?

It seems as if my life is being not only the vessel in which people entertain their ideas, but almost as if my whole life for those moments is altered because of these thoughts, that my reality and how I thus percieve my reality is being altered by those thoughts, therefore-- if the people generating the thoughts are complete fuck wits- then I am a slave to my fuck witted reality and those that create it?
How will I ever know freedom?

This is either making sense, or it is not... If it is not then you will proceed to believe that I am crazy, or maybe slightly disturbed... Thus perhaps you will disregard all that you read here. I say no. I am not crazy. In fact, I challenge you to apply this mental ramble to your own life; to find the idiots that control your thoughts... Even I will admit that line sounds crazy.

However, in all seriousness (and it must be in all seriousness because I am running low on time) lets entertain the notion that there are people in your life that can read you like a book. That can play you; pull your strings and make you dance around the promenade for all their dim witted friends to point and laugh... How many have felt the sting of unrequited love and affection? For that one person you would do anything for? How many people allow their emotional attachment get in the way of the royal and painful truth? Do things they know in their heart is wrong for a person that ultimately does not care?
Have you not ever found yourself so consumed by a person, your whole world utterly immerged into there's- only to a few months, years later look back on that time and think 'What did I see in them?'. Once you don't value them anymore, you deject their ideals and beliefs that you so once cherished...

Like a great veil pulled over your eyes- where you stumble across your past memories and see a graveyard of lost potential and time, rather than happy memories and 'good old us'...

The people that we surround ourselves with ultimately effect who and how we will become that which is to be becometh of ourselves... I know this, yet I can never truly see who is who until it's too late- until the damage is done and I'm more lost and confused than I was when I sought refuge in their warm, glowing empty scrotum sack of a life... Is my issue trust? Is it ignorance?
Am I trusting the wrong people? Am I letting my pathetic attachment for the human race blind me to these truths? What am I trying to prove by all this thought? What am I trying to say by posting this on the internet?

Too much thought is placed in everything... Yes, it is thought, our conscience, psyche that divides us and the rest of the 'lower' carbon life forms... But how much do people over think these days?
I'm probably over thinking right now...
Or am I reaching out of the box and messing with how perfectly still everything seems right now just to see what will happen?

I think that (in all brutal honesty) that deep underneath this trained, polite, sweet young girl who enjoys things like getting stoned and eating cookies with milk= I am an anarchist.
I feel like I'm waking up out of a coma. That the past year I have been living the life that everyone else told me to live. Try this, take this, dance to this, appreciate this... Maybe the promise of real friends was enticing enough to drag me in... But not anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I'm simply confusing myself for the heck of it... Everything is too perfect now, I can't handle being happy in my life so I have to mess it up by being uncertain about what I want for my future. The end of the year is coming and decisions have to be made... I don't want to be a Naturopath... I want to be a tattoo artist. But no, it's not the safe option, I wasn't good enough to be a tattoo artist, that's what I kept telling myself.
But I am good enough! And I don't think settling for my second dream, the dream that I gave myself so that down the line I could say to the world 'Fuck you, I did it on my own anyway!' is kinda big considering if I make a mistake it will cost me $45'000 dollars...

I'm sick of 'people-pleasing' my way through life. I'm sick of smoking, I'm sick of the acid, the pills, the parties where I stop half way through and have the dawning of a life time 'What the fuck am I doing here?'
Well? What the fuck AM I doing here? What do I see myself doing in the next 20 years? I thought by the time I was 28 I wanted to be married or at least in a stable relationship, hopefully with a house of my own, slowly on the way to children with a degree under my belt and my own business set up and going quite nicely.

HOW BORING. HOW SAFE AND STUPID AND BOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG.

I dont want that!
I want to be half way around the world, staying at some little beach resort, with palm trees and coconuts freshly falling to the ground. Where the only music that's made is the music played by the instruments we have with us and the only food we can get is that which we cook ourselves. I want to have a house with no walls, a bong made of bamboo and fire dances on full moons. I want to have a box of paints and pencils and special things that I take with me everywhere, and I take photos of all the new and exciting places I go. I want to speak fluent japanese and live about half hours drive from Harajuku, in some small town with no internet access... Or some pokey little apartment in a sea of apartments just like that, with the smell of smoke and ramen in the air, with a bedroom full of stupid japo-asian crap... I want my phone to have one of those dangly bell thingies, those things that every asian girl seems to have on anything and everything they can attach one too... Where I spend my days either working in a tatoo studio show casing my artistic talents or working at home from a laptop- slowly but surely writing the autobiography of my life, documenting my encounters with REAL people, not just people who believe they're outrospective because they do acid every weekend or sit around in a house pilling to the sound of oblivion.

I want to live a LIFE... One that I ACTUALLY want rather than one that is just as pleasing but much easier to obtain.
I'm sick of the people in my life that mean something to me now holding me in a dream world that will have me stay within that world because of my fears that they may not exist in the one that I create for myself. And in all this winding, long winded way of saying 'I'm afraid to follow my dreams because it may force me to abandon the ones that I love, that I'm afraid to abandon this lifestyle that I'm beginning to resent with every ounce of my being because I'm afraid that I'll loose the ones that I love' = I have also thus come to that realisation myself.

Perhaps this is the way in which I cut free from those strings, perhaps this is the catalyst piece of the puzzle that makes all those other stupid pieces make sense. I just wish that the things of my future didn't seem so far away and that the things of my past didn't still hold so much emotional control over me. I wish I didn't still see his face in everything and pretend not too.
I wish I didn't lie to myself, that my present was just a little bit EXCITING for once so that I might be able to forget about what everything ISNT right now...

I wish I wasn't so god damn crazy... I wish none of this made any sense to you, if you even exist... Why do I believe that anyone will ever find this? Read this? Understand this to a degree to which it changes their lives forever? I wish it meant something... As much as it means to me...
But it won't. And no body will read it. And even on this vast, interconnected, ever important giggamegaterrabitter world that zooms back and forth every second of every day for the rest of my life until something better or bigger or more important comes along that will wipe out this old and futile model-- I am just misunderstood, and pathetically silent and small in the grand scheme of things.

That THIS my non existent friend is what I have now invented as silent SHOUTING... It doesn't matter how hard I cry- everything in my miserable, pent up and inexpressive life will ultimately remain the same... No one hears it. No one takes it in. No one learns a thing and my dawning of a lifetime is wasted away to the emotional ramblings of a teenage idiot.

Spread Chaos... Peace is for the delinquent, and futile.

some direction

whats the point? Whats the point of anything when in the end, everything will become nothing; like the dust and ash that slips through our fingers, that statue that once spelt 'liberty'; torn down by the very race that built it to remind them of a value and morality that is worthy of rememberance.
Will morality even matter when that time comes? Will anything matter to us?
Why, how is it that something that can lift us up to where we belong, can also tear us down and throw us deep underground?
Why is it that we are fools when it comes to understanding eachother and the things that we want and need? Can anyone read anyone else anymore?

I used to believe that I was a person who could tell the true emotion of anyone, that with a little bit of probing people aren't that hard to figure out... But when someone has the ability to ruin me, and I look deep into their eyes and find that there's nothing beneath? How can I combat that?
How can anyone overcome the emptiness of someone else?
Relentless day time TV and empty silence. I'm so fucking sick of it. I try to say sorry, I try to talk it out, I try to give him space when he wants space... I try to scream my point at him while he walks away from me but the outcome is always the same... No matter who it is I'm talking too, arguing with... It's always the same. That fucking blank, thoughtless expression of 'I really don't give a flying fuck anymore'.

Is that really it? Is that really all it boils down to in the end? That people are happy to make others feel like shit, and then don't really care about rebuilding anything because 'If she loves me, she'll get over it herself?'

I hate it. I hate sitting here, venting myself to a fucking computer when the person who could be making a difference is sitting right behind me. I hate the fact that I'm wasting my time on being at this house early so that I can cook and clean this place so that this party means something, all the while I'm stressing about the company and how the fuck I'm going to be able to mentally prepare myself for a night that ultimately could change everything.
No body cares anymore about doing the right thing... It's always about doing the right thing for them.
Selflessness is a joke. We all claim to be caring people but really, in the big crappy reality of it all, we would shoot our own mother if it meant we could get ahead. Some people get angry, some people get sad, some people get even... I just wish that any of those options would fill the void floating through me right now.

Oh great... I think I'm becoming an emo.

Stop the world... I want to get on!

One day,
we're gonna live in Paris,
I promise...
I'm on it.
When I'm bringin in the money...
I promise.
I'm on it.

I'm gonna take you out to club showcase,
we're gonna live it up,
I promise,
just hold on,
a little more.

And every night,
We'll watch the stars.
they'll be our force.
And every night,
the city lights,
will be our force.

One day we're gonna live in Paris.
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'll find you, that french boy
You'll find me,
that french girl,
I promise.

... I cannot wait to get out of here... To fly somewhere that shares the same ideals I do, Coasting it in my boat through the phillipines, selecting what dope I'll smoke today in some cafe in Amsterdam... Climbing across great mountain ranges with my sherpa in India, and going to Goa ofcourse!! Driving through the hot dessert of Las Vegas; on my way to the Clown Casino. Standing in the busy streets of New York, Japan, Paris... I'm looking at taking it all and leaving, as soon as I possibly can.
When this next four years go by, and I complete my bachelor's degree, I'm taking my savings and getting out and away from this place, this scary, comfortable, easy-to-live-in suburban life.

I don't want that lifestyle to pull me in before I have seen the world. I don't want to settle here because it's the only place I've settled my whole life, I want to pick my favourite place to live; so where ever I end up I'll spend the rest of my days working, learning, loving my life.
Setting is so important... And even if I do end up here one day- I would rather spend the rest of my life paying of a mortgage then have my own place and have never wriggled my toes into the soil of a foreign place.
Something calls to me from out there... It's telling me that whatever it is I'm looking for, isn't here... I just want to establish my freedom, think big, aim big, accomplish big- that way nothing in my future will be barred from me. That way I'll call the shots in my own life.

Truth

"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers... Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life...
But why do I want a thing like that?"

Life is Glorious

It was like a great flame, a wave of intense heat that pulsed through my veins, replacing my blood- turning my bones to ash and my muscle to chicken meat... It's like a peaceful chaos, a kind of feeling I had never felt until now. It's perfection. Utter bliss and pain; a sickness and a cure, fire and ice, poison and the antidote...

How could I ever truly deny a feeling such as this? When an opportunity presents itself, you open up and swallow the whole thing! Don't let any of the potential for change to escape... And I gotta say, that the changes that have thus occured, have been well worth that burn.

What I hold in my hands now, is greater than any power I've ever wished to hold before... It's more important than money, more precious than any jewel, more valuable than air... It's all so awe-inspiring... And it's all mine.

My life is now exactly in the right direction... I work my hours, get paid my wages, and spend the rest of my time either sleeping, partying or creating new and wonderful things, or working on the wonderful things I've not yet finished. There is no more stressing, no more deadlines, no more choking personalities enforcing their words of acid into my being, no more injecting of deceit, of lies, no more of the filfth of mankind...

All I have now is security, and glorious time... And when I look into my future, I don't see it burning down around me, I see it building itself, a month at a time, up and up and up- until I'm looking at a tower of possibility... And the most important thing was I found this on my own, but I learned how to feel this way from someone else; and to that person I owe every smile I generate, every laugh, every dream... I was miserable before I let this person into a special portion of my heart, but from the day I did-- I have never regretted that decision...

To the person I owe my hearts beat-- Ben,
Thankyou for everything... Thankyou for your patience, thankyou for your time, thankyou for your love and happiness and enveloping warmth. Thankyou for supporting me when I couldn't support myself, thankyou for protecting me from those that seeked to harm me. Thankyou for everything...
If I could spend the rest of my life putting a smile on your face, I would die a happy woman.

Never give up on love kids, you'll never know when it will present itself; and trust me when I say you don't want to miss out on something like this.

Indifference

Please gentlemen, set your phasers to 'stun'...
It's all finally coming to a glorious end. I have been in this many times before, except this time comes a new sense of self, a new sense of defeat. Yet for once, it wasn't me who was defeated.

Whatever intentions of mine I had back when I still gave a damn were nothing but empty and fruitless to the ones around me, and now, those intentions are empty and fruitless to me too. Don't be sad, it's a good thing and I am by no means unhappy that I failed to rebuild what foolishness destroyed. I wanted control, he had control and wasn't willing to give any up. And it's only now that I look back at the decisions we both made and I think "It was all just a big mistake".
My only regret was the way in which I cast the final blow, and I was adamant then to believe that I wouldn't regret being so harsh, infact I was sure that if I didn't use my callice-ness to put an end to it then, whilst I was still so full of rage; that we wouldn't never truly be over, and we would never truly be ended.

I didn't want things to drag on and on like this, I didn't want this to stress our friends and families and cause lives to stretch out over too much space. I didn't want to stop seeing the people that I had believed would still be my friend, and that they did like me for me and not simply because I was his... Now that I'm not his, I see that I fooled myself into allowing closeness to come between me and those that would just walk away the second I fucked up... But it doesn't hurt the way I thought all of this would...

Im beginning to see that my character is infact, very cut throat, and I am a very black and white person when it comes to my feelings. I still am in many ways, a control freak to the way I feel, and I also act as an emotional doormat to some people because of the fact that when someone abuses me, I seem to punish myself instead. I never really broke the habit, but at least I'm aware of it now and I can try to make it work better for me in a healthy way...

I can either use you, or I can't. When I say this, I mean the people around me either benefit me, make my existence better somehow, or they don't. And when I do decide that someone doesn't, and they disapoint me time and time again trying to prove (usually rather pathetically) that they ARE of benefit, once I get tired of giving them chances, and that little meter in my head clicks over from 'friend' to 'threat' -- I have within me every capability of supressing and condensing any warmth, compassion, or love that I ever felt for that person, and all I'm left with for them is indifference... It's almost as easy as making a cup of tea.

This may concern people, it concerns me sometimes too, but it is also incredibly efficient at removing unwanted threats from my life, but in saying that it also says alot about how I see the people around me. It's the only way I have to defend myself against the onslaughts of those who would seek to hurt me... And I distrust myself in trusting others, because usually it is the ones that I trust the most that hurt me the most.
Typically, I have been a loner. Because it was always easier for me to deal with only myself, and I enjoyed my own company more than I did boys and girls in my year who would only hang out with me to learn my secrets and gain that trust only to then betray me, and humiliate me over and over and over again.
Perhaps it's this, that started out young, that is now an ingrown habit of mine that I cannot shake; and before you start to judge or to ponder-- I would like to say that it's helped me more times than it's hurt, because sometimes it's hard to walk away from something that you love, but you know it's bad for you in the long run... I don't find it hard anymore.

I can finally let go of the pain and the bad memories that I have harboured in my head, like emotional ammunition against Griffin. It finally, after all this time, doesn't concern me what he does with his life. I have no urges to call him, no urges to see him and no urges to talk about him or discuss my fears that I have for him... The world, and the man himself has made it very clear that all attempts that I would ever have at rebuilding what we broke is futile; and like I was saying earlier; it's almost as if god has removed all memory my heart ever had of him, and I don't hurt anymore.

The one thing that upsets me, yet comforts me slightly, is that in speaking of his latest scandals from winter solstice, he describes what I can only relate too as heaven, and as hell, and otherwordly beings that come forth and speak and converse with him... It makes me laugh, a scientist, speaking about otherworldly beings and spirits... the most one minded, closed off, calculated people I have ever met... The 'proof or outright denialists' of our world, and he believes in another world, another world of judgement, another world of beings that take form of friends to create a greater persuasion... Sounds like descriptions the bible would give, talking of both angels and demons... It sounds like a vulcan, talking about how much he learnt at bible camp... bible camp with drugs.

It just goes to show, that LSD makes believers out of us all, and that sweet, sweet euphoria that comes with the connection of everything around us whilst we are under the influence, can be achieved without the drug... The power of the mind, of the body and the spirit can open us to these influences these special places that exist not in this world. This is what I have been stressing to the psychonauts around me... That feeling, the reason in which compels people to take the drug, that greater state of mental connection: Is something the sober mind can do, and with a little feeling and a little dedication it can be achieved with no penalty.

At the end of the day, people should stop blaming the drug for these wonderful phenomena, and start believing in the power of there own minds, and start believing that the connection is always there- you just have to be aware of it...

I have been changed, after that weekend. I will never again look at acid the same way, I will never look at that location the same way... I don't know if I'll ever see Griffin again, but I doubt I will look at him the same way either.
It's disapointing in theory, that I have lost who was once my closest and dearest companion forever, for making a decision... But I don't feel the disapointment anymore, I'm simply aware that it should be there... but it's not. It was ultimately his choice, because I know that if he had of came and apologized to my face, if he had of actually meant it, tried at all to stop the bitterness and the constant barrages of pointless bickering, I would have ultimately forgiven.
I have forgiven, but at the price of my own sense of solitude from another person... Which in my opinion is a hefty one, but one that couldn't be avoided. I try to be friendly, and he didn't want to be friendly anymore...

And this is the way that I announce to the world: I finally, do not give a flying fuckery. Do with this information what you will; but as it always feels so good to punch it out into the airwaves: I am free of guilt, free of pain and free of regret. I am free to be free, and to continue enjoying the wonderful life that I have built for myself, and continue to climb ever upwards... You don't have to earn sanity... To have to earn forgiveness... Thats the real key to that glorious place... You have to undo the pain that you sewed into the sheets of life... To have to makeup for the things you have destroyed.

Wolves in the snow

Here is a collection of my thoughts and scribblings over the past few months, compiled here for your amusement. They are indeed quite scrambled... And although it has been almost excruciatingly painful to write them down; I felt that it was a good idea, simply because of one idea I was musing on earlier this morning in bed...

We all claim to be ourselves, but have you ever noticed that everyone overthinks what they say before they say it? It's always a calculated response, in microseconds the pros and cons are weighed and we say what we think will make us look the most appealing to our company... Is this truly us? IS this truly who we are?

So I took these diary entires and chose to share them with the masses... They were only ever intended for me to see, so thus I'm hoping that by reading them it will give you better insight to how I think when I'm thinking by myself, for myself.

It's also from a very scattered time of my life, so I find the mood swings and constant paranoia quite entertaining.

Wolves in the Snow.
It takes us all in, love.
It's something that embraces everyone at one time or another.
The real problem stems from not knowing when it's real, or forced. What happens when people tell you it's not real?

What if they force it and you don't?
What if they don't even force it...
Unrequited sucks.
Words seem thin, useless. I want to break free from the hold my tongue seems to have on me.
All I can think about is where I want to be, but I can't even see where I am right now...
...Turmoil and dirt...

Don't hate me, high pitched melancholy...
I'd rather know agony than ignorance.
Is this truly bliss?

I have no idea how to differentiate anymore. It's not fair.
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Young love
08.05.09
Was it really only two days ago?? Nothing has changed, if anything it all got more and more awesome, but suprisingly not worse. Time alone... Just you and me is like, butter and honey... a whole spoon of it.
I don't want to scare you away, if all this is really going ahead, and you like me how you say you do well then- I hope I am enough for you because you don't deserve all of the crap that comes with this emotional mess.

It's all too thin, the ice over the death beneath. Cutting corners in time, waiting for noone. That's how my problems start. I like my drugs lots and I like Ben lots and I really do want him for always, but it seems whenever I add drugs to my emotional blabberings I tend to screw it all up.
How can I be sure I'm being genuine when I'm being high?

I want Ben today... But how can I be sure I'll want Ben tomorrow? My decision making of late has been hardly responsible.
The harsh thing to do, would it be to try and stop the rollercoaster or to just go with the flow and enjoy the death for the heck of it?

I see his logic, and Ben loves me for who I am, has never made me feel like a mistake. We are friends, then lovers... And I like that. Ben is the kind of person who is always going to be there, he's the kind of person who you can breathe around.
It's in the way his eyes sparkle... It's in the way he smiles. It;s this strange desire to always see him smiling, laughing, to protect him against all evil.

I feel like he deserves the best... And If I'm the one that can provide the best then I'll try my hardest to do so, and make sure, damn sure that I am the one best suited for this position.

I.do.not.want.to.hurt.him...
I must be sure.

-----------------------------------------------
Desperation
20.5.09
Everything has its way of panning out in the end. Things have been done, things have been said- but all from a place of love.
Love... Do I use that word too much now days? I think people underestimate my ability to feel love at its strongest- only others like me could truly understand where I am coming from at this point.

Griffin certainly doesn't It seems like all that I felt, all that I know has been ripped from me is so far away now. And although it may be smarter or less painful to blame myself- I'm sick and tired of doing so- especially when I can't control the way I feel, and he is doing everything within his power to fuck it all up for himself, myself, bens self...
Acts of desperation are so fucking desperate...
What can I do for him when he won't do anything for himself?

Memories of an acid head. This is messed up, all kinds of ways... I'm finding it hard to stand the sight of all this anymore. All progress is null and void now, why can't he just be happy? Why can't he be productive? I have tried so hard to help him through all these new transitions but alas-- he rejects my friendship.

I try and try but all I do is fail.

I say that I'm a godly person when I act ungodly... The longer I live this way the greater the chances are that evil will come into my heart and take hold of the people and things I hold dear and close.
I cant let it come to that. I cant let this evil spread to my life, my new life with Ben. Whether it be through my own actions or through things I can't control I will use my own strength to protect Bens heart. I will use karasthena to hold him, to push this darkness back and away and out of our life.

Nothing will eat my soul, not if the strength of god is truly on my side... Perhaps if I visit a church or something sometime soon? I need a place to purge my heart and soul. Perhaps a rebirth is at stake.

The search for a better life is now eminent. It's about time I grew up and started acting like an adult...
I want the lie I have always wanted- only now it rests at my fingertips, rather than a world away.
Get a job, finish my studies, enroll into a college of Natural Medicine and get my licence, get out of debt! It's all apart of building a life...

A life that I want with Ben.
Only with Ben.

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less of Worth or worthlessness?
26.05.09
It's all for him... My education, my job, my time... None of that seems important anymore, not in the shiny glow of what he means to me.

It's carbonated and clean, it's dear to me. It was said last night, and as much as it warmed me it almost came with a dreaded sound.
"I would be happy spending the rest of my life with you"
And thats a kind of verbal commitment I hope would hold off for a while. It's not that I don't want him to feel that way, but I simply don't believe that who I am at this very second deserves to have him forever... I'm not good enough.

I dont want to be the girl who says everything special really quickly into the relationship and then runs out of shit to feel later on. I dont want us to fizzle out. But why would we fizzle? Whats gone wrong? Nothing... Ben is perfect!!
If anything I think I'm feeling this way because I know he's falling for me and I know that I have hurt people in the past... I dont want to hurt him. Ever.

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PSYCHONAUTS AND PSYENTISTS
Its not what you say, what you do that defines you as a person; it's where you do and say them. I often find its not really about the subject matter but the LOCATION and the TIMING in which it's done that gives the impact. If the success of a good trip is brought down to the setting and the people you're with- shouldn't that same corrolation be made with the human psyche? Psychonauts and psyentists... It's all factual, evidentary bullshit.

Belief in anything- it's only a problem if it's driving a person to do bad things; and how all of a sudden- some puncy little prick can sit all mighty in his chair and say 'You are not of god- you can't be spiritual and godly at the same time, that's hypocritical' when they themselves profess and deny their own piss weak faith time and time again as a last chance card to draw when they try to cling to our love...

Well fuck you children! I know who I am, and just because I'm finally getting somewhere without any of you doesn't mean it has to be ripped down.
Stop delving- I come at face value when it comes to my faith.

Open your eyes, understand that what you feel when on acid- I feel all the time, I feel when I'm sober. You would say to me that I'm pathetic, but would you say that to a Buddhist monk? To the dahli lama?
I would like to hope not.
IF our gods are so impotent and make believe, then where did these great, wise beings get their wisdom?
Respect the ways of the old times, you self induldgent, modernistic fuckwits.

I am a traditionalist. I like keeping the old ways alive, and one of those ways is belief; which is hard to keep strong and easy to loose, but perfection can be obtained through these methods, and I intend on at least trying.

So keep your physics and your allopathic ways, and I'll continue to worship that which holds true to me when I'm sober, and find strength within something that I feel in every cell of my being, to call upon when all else seems to fail. I'll keep that which comes from the Earth.

you like to preach peace; but how can a scientist obtain inner peace and love when they believe in nothing?

to answer your question, my psychonaut helmet says on it 'You all suck, go home to your mothers you naughty children'.
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Blindsided- Bon Iver

Back down... down to the downtown
Down to the lockdown...
boards, nails lye around

I crouch like a crow
Contrasting the snow
For the agony, I'd rather know

'Cause blinded I am
blindsided

Peek in... into the peer in
I'm not really like this...
I'm probably plightlessI cup the window

I'm crippled and slow
For the agonyI'd rather know

'Cause blinded I am
blindsided
Would you really rush out for me now?

Taught line... down to trhe shoreline
The end of a blood line...
the moon is a cold light
There's a pull to the flow
My feet melt the snow
For the irony, i'd rather know

'Cause blinded I was blindsided

All you maggots smoking fags out there on sunset blvd

Everyone it seems is surrounded by debt, drugs and ill will for someone smaller than them... So why don't we all take out our nine irons and have ourselves a fisty cuffs???.

make it hurt so bad that you become completely numbed to all pain.
Hurt everyone so bad that they can't be fucked paying attention anymore.
It's all about the master plan, playing up in the big leagues when the big leagues are nothing more than a high way to self destruction and sodomistic violence...

But hey... It's living the high life.

Most people are really living the low life.

The rat who bites

This is the secret that has been kept from all of us... This is the root of the root and the heart and heart and the bud of the bud in this world...
This is what they never bother to tell you in school, or write in text books... Well they never told me, anyways...

"You don't always have to speak your mind"

I have taken it on myself to simply, let things slide. That my emotional state may not be necessarily the greatest emotional truth to myself. That perhaps irrationality comes with over exaggeration, so why indulge within it?
The bible, as irrelevant as it is to some concluded that the hardest thing to control in the name of God was the tongue, if not applied to God, but to life: Is this not a valid truth?

I have both served and received many slings and arrows of fellow men and women within weeks past, and rageful vengeance was all that called to me...
Like that cold, unwelcome sense of disappointment that flakes up into your stomach...

When your cat drags a rat into the house, only for you to discover it's still breathing, those deep, black eyes staring up at you in fear and desperation... You pick it up to save it from the grasp of your hungry little kitty, only for it to bite...
Sometimes; it seems, people tend to lash out at you when they themselves are consumed by fear, or hurt, or anguish... That friend and foe look so alike when you're blinded by your own self loathing and tears...
That many times you will try to help a friend, only to thus yourself be bitten by their wrath...

But with this understanding- taking the personal out of the situation, and putting the rational back in- we begin to understand that it isn't in fact an act specifically done to hurt you- but to hurt the only one they can try to blame at that point. So why overreact? So why get mad at the angry rat for biting when all he knows is it bite?

I submit to you a task to perform... Don't get mad... Don't get even. Just, let it go... Next time you get a dirty look from someone as you walk down the street or someone spills their drink on you; next time someone throws a heartfelt apology back in your face and then insults you-
Don't get mad or even... Just smile and know that it's only you that has the power to change your day; not anybody else... And know this without blame, or grudge or trial.
The other person acts out of irrationality, and poor judgement. You cannot blame a persons actions on anything but themselves but when they themselves are in terrible shape, things should be let go, forgotten and forgiven.

I found it so hard in the past to do this... But finally, I understand. A grudge only punishes the one who keeps it, and reaction only promotes another action and another reaction and so on it goes... Break the infinite loop that plagues us as morons.
Dare to hold your tongue.


HOWEVER:
The man who backbites an absent friend, nay, who does not stand up for him when another blames him, the man who angles for bursts of laughter and for the repute of a wit, who can invent what he never saw, who cannot keep a secret - that man is black at heart: mark and avoid him.

don't allow a bad friend, to be excused from their actions. Don't ask for more conflict, but know when it is you who is being taken advantage of.

You'll be given love,
You'll be taken care of,
You'll be given love,
You have to trust it...

Maybe not from the sources,
You've poured yours into,
Maybe not,
From the directions,
You are staring at.

Twist your head around,
It's all around you,
All is full of love,
All around you...

All is full of love,
You just ain't receiving,
All is full of love,
Your phone is off the hook,
All is full of love,
Your doors are shut,
All is full of love...

Overreactions have even bigger reactions...
If I could go back and take back what time has stolen from me I could. If I go about this all in the right way, realise that broken hearts are more dire than my own selfish desires I would...
There is nothing more potent that the pain someone feels during unrequited love, especially when it's thrown back in there face. I snapped, I lost my own battle and for that- I am sorry.

Forgiveness is not easy, but I hope that in time you will realise that all is full of love, and that none of this was done to hurt you... Panic sprung urgently in a person will cause a panicked response, and much of what was said was said in efforts to keep you safe, to keep you alive. And I only would have hoped that if I was in your position you would have lied to me too if it meant doing what you thought was right to keep me out of pain in the long run.

Please don't hate me for leaving you... If I had of known that leaving you the way I did would mean I lost you forever, know that I would have done this different... And my intentions when I did leave you were never along the lines of abandoning you; but space is the thread and time is the needle that will mend your heart again... Suffocating you would only make things worse.

If we truly are soulmates, like you say we are... Then start believing in it. This isn't me saying I want you back to be like how we were before, but I want you back to start planning how we can be in the future. You're a good person Griffin, and I want us, WISH that we could be friends...

Spread peace. You may have locked all the doors, but I'll be standing by the window looking in... If you ever want to let me in... I'll be waiting.

Bizarro world and a bottle of rum.

Fight or be fought. Kill or be killed.

Why can't we all just get along? -- this is why we can't have nice things.

Stupid things are done and said but I won't be held hostage by stubborness. My decisions are mine and mine alone, so stop acting like I don't know what I'm doing; because I've been making mistakes for alot longer than people give me credit for-- I think by now I would know how to avoid making another one.
I tried to be considerate, I tried to be quiet but I'm sick and tired of walking on the egg shells laid out by other people. I don't want to be the filler if the void is souly yours, I don't want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine... Lend me some fucking fresh air.

So let's all explode! Venting is so much fun when noone has the balls to say what they really mean to eachother's faces, especially when venting involves someone elses face, infront of my face... But I'm happy and glad for frustrations to be frustrations and for anger to get out of hand; my whole life has been alot of that.

Stop playing god and trying to follow him at the same time. If you want me to start being my word then lead by example and show me what it's like to constantly live in the fear of holding back or regretting last thoughts; because we all know what it's like to not want to be human, and we all know what it's like to wish everyday to be an alien amongst these people; only to wake up every morning and see those pink, fleshy, homosapien hands.

You are human.
I am human.
He is human...

...So lets all accept the fact that humans fuck up sometimes...
Let's stick by whats always been said- that problems don't happen with drug people, drug people happen with problems...

Instead of trying so god damn hard to be right all the time maybe you should start trying to prove people wrong. If you want to love me so bad then start proving me wrong when I thought I couldn't be happy with you ever again...
Or you could keep being an asshole, afterall- it's easier to be pissed off at you this way. It's easy to not feel guilty about what I've done when you yourself are guiltless and self destructive.

Don't hang death on your conscience... Take some time to grow and expand outwards, not shrink into the cool minty freshness of a dropper bottle and some amphetamine...
Actually spread the fucking peace, because we all know that I'm way too selfish and childish to do so...

aum mani padme ommo emdap inam mua ... Fucking bizzaro world.