The silence of Silent Bob

Quality or quantity?
Do I sit here in my chair and pump out literature like a monkey hyped up on amphetamines with nothing but a type writer? Or do I sit and plot and think and dwell, until I find something that's truly striking- something that hits the people in the home spot?
However; I begin to ponder... What if my quality isn't as good as I think? Should I then be creating more thus to improve on my writing skills if they infact are not as developed as I thought they were?

I suppose I should look at it this way... How much more attention do we give to silent bob when he finally speaks? Jay spends most of the movies saying alot, yet saying nothing. Whereas silent bob can portray what his intentions and thoughts are without saying anything, however when words are important, and he does speak- he saves the day.

Writing can be both relieving and stressful. And I'm finding it to be the latter of late.
Words seem to slip through my fingers and ideas blow away like my mind is a sand storm. Nothing sticks, nothing fits in the way of words...
Look at my last blog... 'Crap a la crap'. I always said to myself 'This will not be one of those venting blogs where people who are depressed about how shit their lives are shit their life story over the internet, thus spreading the pain and disaster even further'... And I caved...

The power of the written word is such a beautiful thing. It can make a life or destroy a life, it can contract a soul to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity... It can unite, it can break apart. People listen to those who choose to use their voice... And what better way to be heard than to be heard by the poetic, melodic scriptures of a writer?

And with that note, I can only hope that this writers block gets removed soon. It seems in times of financial strife I cannot play guitar, write or paint or draw... I need to find my muze within something again.

I shall return when my time is ready.

Becoming a Nothing

my life seems to be spiralling downward... The few good things in my life are complicated and although they are fulfilling, they are hard work.
Im starting to distrust the decisions I thought I wanted to make at the beginning of this year... I miss ripping the tags off a brand new dress; finding the tiny strands of off-cuts from my brand-newly-cut hair down my bra... The smell of expensive perfume and the hassle free, go lucky persona of a girl with no money troubles.

I always wanted to believe that I was above all of the materialistic bullshit, that the nine to five office job was a prison and that I would be damned if I was ever going to sacrifice my dreams and aspirations for a high paying career but- I'm finding that perhaps that's simply the kind of person I wanted to be... One of those 'Real' people...
"I eat nothing but organically grown seaweed... I'm real man..." -- what the fuck does that even mean anyway?

I miss having money... I can't keep living like this. I have a job, and I have an education but- where is the reward? It certainly doesn't feel like I'm doing anything constructive with my life, and I can say that I don't feel like an educated, hard working upstanding citizen either... Especially when I have to ask for bus money from people off the street, or consider becoming a stripper to 'pay my way through college'.

However, simply venting doesn't seem to really work anymore, or should I say, I don't have anywhere constructive to vent anymore. At school it was different, I had a few nice, good girls who wanted me to pour out my heart and soul to them... Everyone was poor, everyone was sick of their lives back then but now it seems all those people I used to resent so much for being perfect are leaving me in the dust. All I had was boy troubles back then, and even those are being trumped by the ones I have now...

Always a left behind complex.

So I can't stand who I am right now... I'm sure their are lots of people out their like that; but their are few people who have the time or effort to listen out, to watch my back; to empathise with me... Does no one but me truly believe in the power of constructive listening? I'm afraid that the relationship I have is suffering because I'm loosing sight of the joy in my life. I'm afraid that he will start feeling unappreciated, or over pressured to be the good part of me.

I have always stood by myself and my decisions, but now I'm realising that the decisions I have made in the past couple of months have been really fucking stupid, and it all began with me loosing my job as a mail room clerk.
It was laid back and social when it was quiet in the office, and it was laid back and social when it was busy in the office. I could express myself, I could laugh and joke and make friends... And I got 500 bucks a week to do it. Now I'm scrounging for five cent pieces at the bottom of my bag to try and make up another 40 cents so I can buy a can of coke.

Now I'm losing myself... Being sucked dry of all charisma, creativity, energy. Money troubles really are ruining my life, and it seems my relationship too.

I cried today...
For the first time in what seems to be months... I really let go. I haven't cried like that since my highschool sweet heart dumped me... Since my open prayer nights at church, when I was pleading with god for my families salvation. Back then my heart was in the right place, back then I was innocent, naive... Good.

Who have I become? What has happened to my belief system? To my social networking?
I don't even feel like myself anymore.
I don't recognise myself anymore.
I'm becoming a nobody, and I hate to admit it but, everytime I open my mouth something negative comes out...

What can I do to get out of this rut? When everyday is the same and I can't find the energy to get myself out of bed anymore... I just wish something would turn out the way I expected it too...
Maybe I'm simply expecting too much of people these days.

Maybe I'm surrounding myself with too many people.

The good thing about having no friends, is that no one lets you down...
when you have you, and you only, the only person who can hurt you is you. All the major points of hurt and disapointment in my life have surrounded other people, and all people I've ever truly enjoyed have hurt me by leaving me... And so I would hurt myself to control the environment of pain...
I don't even have that solace anymore...
Now it's nothing.
I'm becoming a nothing.

Musing on thoughts.

time splinters.
Outwards, war.
Inwards, war.
Take the child, the children that we bear as Earth and breathe life.

Drink the blood.
The energy that drives the evergreen, the mothers, the husbands, fathers, wives. Sisters and Daughters. Brothers, sons... Drink the blood.
Take the church, and breathe life.

Eat the flesh.

Look around you... Look at your neighbours, look at the people on the street... They all sing the same song, the same symphony plays but who can hear it? Who listens to the song of life?
We listen to the birds, we listen to the voice, the rustling of the trees, the melody of a guitarist. We dance and sing ourselves in joy, in sorrow... So why can we not hear the silent song of our Earth, of our people?

It is not because we are not born with ears, but because we live in a world that has been trained from birth to choose to ignore. We think we have a choice, that we are making our choice... But are we really... Television and magazines are helping form the way we think from the very second we can, our parents, our morals, our religions... After all this is done moulding our young impressionable lives is there much left for own interpretation? Robots of the future, being educated to take orders, and have no opinions, but to think that they do have opinions... Opinions of premeditated influence.

Break free! Live and grow and love and listen... Hear what the world cries out for, and respect it. Everything is connected, everything that we see, think, feel, hear... it all has a purpose, it all has intention. Down to the very positioning of the droplet of condensation on that coke can... It's all about temptation and profit these days.

We have become a slobbish race. Instead of doing what we can to save our people and our home, instead of listening to the symphony of life, we build and create more things to deafen us, to cut us off from our inner soul.
We smoke, drink, get fat... All to die. We waste our beautifully genetically mastered bodies and brains to indulge and feast on the lies and lusts of our modern day society...
We breed bad people. We create them. In a perfect world, everyone would be perfect, yet in this world of balance-- we still expect as much of the people?... We are categorised as victims or offenders...
Can we blame them? those that do wrong?

Impulses deep within the human psyche... There are those that are forced by themselves to give into their own human desire, and there are those who live their lives in a form of mental contempt...

Right and wrong were constructs given to us to work better in a controlled society... And I suppose to live within a sort of, Chaotic neutrality would be anarchistic... But have any of us as people ever had the opportunity to live outwards of these social constraints?

Have we as people ever truly tasted freedom?

Listen to the lost symphony of life.
Drink the blood.
Taste the flesh.
Breathe life into the young, the old, the present.
Think free.

To whom it may concern

“I believe that in approaching our subject with the sensibilities of statisticians and dissectionists, we distance ourselves increasingly from the marvellous and spell-binding planet of imagination whose gravity drew us to our studies in the first place” An extract from the ‘Journal of the American Ornithology Society’ Fall 1983.

This piece of work was written in the study of something completely irrelevant to the point I’m trying to explore, yet I have found; it is the best description for the topic of debate I’m submitting.
The Art of Faith. Is it pointless to believe in something that cannot be proven true or real, and can denying such things as faith be diminishing to a persons ability to grow an expand? Do those who have a faith in anything have something that the scientists of this world will never have?

And so I choose to probe the subject.

I submit my first point: That some things are better looked at first glance.
It can be seen in many different areas of life, and it’s a lesson that most people learn. Sometimes things are better left untouched by human hands. Is it possible that in studying something so closely, to observe and catalogue it’s peculiarilities in such minute detail, that it becomes less than what it was further away? When does dissection destroy perfection?

This is not to say that we should cease to establish facts and to verify our information, but merely to suggest that unless those facts can be imbued with the flash of poetic insight then they remain dull gems; semi-precious stones scarcely worth the collecting.
Where does passion stem from? Creative intuitiveness, the behavioural disposition to follow our dreams, to study that which means something to us. And at the first glance, within the first dabble, what we are bleeding our life into is precious, beautiful, passionate and poetic, because we are... However over time, an analytical mind will sit and stir, the need to know more, find out more will slowly chip away that poetic exterior, until all one is left with isn’t beautiful anymore.

Stare at something you find breath-taking for long enough, and you will slowly destroy its perfection by constant analysis. I believe that it’s something even spiritualists do. We create ugliness.

A man once sat alone in the forest, weeping. The animals came to him and said “We do not like to see you so sad. Tell us what you desire and we will give it to you”. The man said “I wish to be strong” and so the jaguar said “Then you may have my strength”
The man said “I want too see far and wide” and so the Hawk said “Then you shall have my eyes”. The man said “I wish to know all the secrets of the Earth” And so the Owl gave the man his wisdom... And so it went with all the animals. And once the man had left, the Owl said “Suddenly I am afraid” the deer replied “He has all the things that he wanted, he will go now and be happy” but the Owl shook his head. “No” he said “For I saw a hole in the man. This is what makes him want... He will continue to take and take, until the Earth says ‘I am no more, and have nothing left to give”.

Is it not wonderful, to be satisfied sitting still? When will the human race stop needing to expand, explore, climb and discover new things within old things? Why is it that time and time again, things that we enjoy are ruined by over extortion? A place that I now hate, once my haven and my home from home is a good example of this point. The central park gardens of Perth used to be a place I felt comfortable and accepted, it was the place where I could always meet my friends, hangout with ‘the invincible kids’. Years later, most of these people have left, because of the uprise in new and unfamiliar faces, defacing that which was once our home. I do not know these people, I do not care for these people, and the good place that I once could lounge and laugh and smoke and feel comfortable in a social setting is now endowed with police, graffiti, litter and a barrage of ‘Orange County Ravers’, creating and reconstructing the highschool endorsed behavioural defects in which I fled to centrals in the first place... The concept that if you listen to a certain type of music and dress a certain way, people will love you and accept you, which is childish and below me- yet time and time again it reappears in my life, and it puzzles me.

Why is it that over the many years of the human existence, it’s observed to be in our nature to believe, to have a faith. Is it because we as a whole are afraid of being alone or alienated? Whether it’s the Christian related god or it’s Aliens, the past has seen numerous accounts of both religious and non religious bouts of what scientists would call ‘blind faith’. Is there any form of proof within something that cannot be proven? Can a persons character become stronger through the exercise?

There have been hundreds of cases of spiritual and religious phenomena over the years, and I wonder: How much compiled evidence is enough to classify that something more than improbable? How many testimonies must religion give to the scientists to prove that ‘We are not insane or stupid!?’. I’m not sure to be honest. I guess I should ask a mathematician for that kind of statistic. By a scientists own rules, there must be a particular percentage of proof that tips the odds to enduce that atleast the idea in itself has a potency for truth.

And now into the evidence through the occult. Yes, yes we have all seen the television shows about haunted houses and we all know how ‘impressive’ John Edwards is in his ‘Crossing over’ but off the record, in more difficult to get sources, I have been exposed to a number of very convincing statements, eye witness reports, extracts from books that would suggest that there is something greater than us within this existence.

Example: A man chooses to live by night, seldom exposes himself to any form of ultra violet rays and stops eating flesh, but drinking blood. He is cunning, stealthy, and commits a series of murders by draining their blood for his consumption... Does that make him a vampire? I say yes. One cannot bind a mythical creature to myth when the acts of a particular person relay that of the mythologies character. No obviously he couldn’t fly or walk through walls, however when many of these similar myths were written in times when ‘The man flew out of nowhere at incredible speed’ could simply be ‘he ran really fast and was hard to detect’. More simply, after a while, the tales get taller and taller.
Take the bible for example... And before you laugh all you religious cynics, I’m not in any way suggesting that the bible stories relate on the same par as the Dracula mythology. Take Noah’s Arc- it says that he took two of every animal, put them on a giant boat and rescued them from the flood... This is in no way possible. I’m the kind of person who, although I may not be as strongly a believer in jesus today as I was say, two years ago, but even I know that it’s not possible for a person to do that.

Completely ignoring the various errors made in only getting two of each species of animal and the various interbreeding problems that would cause for many types of animal, to gather two of every animal in existence would be completely impossible. Then, after we swallow that hard mouthful of bullshit, we are forced to reckon with the idea that Noah then had the means to feed and protect these animals for forty days and nights. Still disregarding the simple nature of most predatory animals to hunt there food fresh, and the complications fresh grazing animals would require, it’s simply put down to one native animal. The Koala.

The Koala, is native to Australia... And seeming as this whole story happened a long time ago in a land very far from Australia; when Noah wouldn’t even have the understanding of a Koala, where to find one, or what to do with one if he did infact manage to (On his super awesome arc) find two Koala’s, how would he continue to supply them with fresh Eucalyptus leaves? And so it goes with every living thing on this planet... If God was going to give Noah all of the information and resources required to make the above possible, what was the point of flooding the place to begin with? If he already knows that two of every animal is gonna be saved and thus repopulating the place after the flood had gone would be most likely successful (granted he had the lord in his heart the whole time of course) he may as well just put all the animals onto a cosmic planet until the flood had ended and then time warped them back. Seems easier.

Getting back onto topic, the message is simple: Its just a story made grand trying to explain something truly epic in proportion to the time in which the deed was done, but completely blown up and given some sweet special effects so that the people reading it 2000 years later would be all like ‘whoah man, god is pretty cool’ – I suppose to some extent they shot themselves in the foot by doing that.

I’m being completely childish and getting very off topic but IF the story went more by the idea that God spoke to Noah and said that the flood was coming, and Noah chose to sit on his ass and not do anything, or built only himself a boat and did nothing to prepare for the animals rescue and then the flood DID come, and because of that all the animals did die and all those that survived went into a famine because everything including large populations of the human race were dead and evidently—Noah died, people would read it and be like ‘holy shit... if I get the word of god I better listen and do what he asks me, because that if I don’t something truly awful will happen’... making following the word of god look like a huge responsibility and a great big effort where you gotta build giant boats and go animal hunting.

BACK ON TRACK: cases of things like spiritual encounters with greater powers, they happen all the time, and some would call that proof. I call it personal proof.
Here is where science wins the argument for me: As a whole, as another person looking in on someone else’s spiritual experience, I can see why it would be difficult for that person to fully accept the retelling of the experience based on the unreliability of the human race. In all honesty, I have been subjected to the punishment of not being analytical enough when it comes to certain people, and my naivety and blind faith in another person had me openly accepting another persons ‘spiritual encounters’ as to be true, when in fact they were complete bullshit... AKA It’s hard to believe someone’s ‘Ghost story’ when they could in fact be lying.
Personal Proof, you cant lie to yourself unless you are mentally ill, in which case, having personal proof is probably the least of your problems; but truth’s to you as an individual are particularly difficult to relay unto someone else, especially if that person is in objection in the first place. It doesn’t matter how long you sit and argue with someone that ‘No, I really do see demons, this is real to me’ they can always pull out the ‘Yes, but you could be lying’ card. Whether they say it to your face, or not, they still disbelieve.

Of course, it is incredibly questionable, with most cases of ghost or ethereal entity being unable to be recorded or captured on camera, and most cases of ‘video/camera footage’ of ghosts have been proven as tampered with. However, there is one particular part of personal proof that becomes difficult to deny... When that personal experience/ personal practice changes the person in their entirety. When someone finds spiritual enlightenment.

Let me introduce to you my most prized and awed human being... Swami Maktananda. Born in 1908 in Mangalore, India, Maktananda’s search for spiritual enlightenment began at age fifteen. Through his teachings and through transmission of his spiritual energy, he has awakened hundreds of thousands of people over the world to meditation and the experience of their own innate perfection.The book I hold in my hand is called ‘The perfect Relationship’. I ask myself, ‘Could this man have found himself in the same position if he had not studied meditation, but analysis or chemistry, science or mathematics? I highly doubt it. For many men can be mathematicians if they try hard enough, but it takes something truly remarkable to become a Guru.Here is a short chapter from his book, titled:

“THE DELUSION OF SEEKING”

People earnestly go here and there in search of God, and that is very good, for if one is to lead one’s life correctly one must find him. However, some people become bored and give up their efforts. Moreover, just as some people consider a horse to be an elephant, there are those who have strange notions about god. Some consider him to be a joke. Others will even reach the point of saying,

“We gave birth to God.” The time will come when these people will proclaim “I gave birth to my father,” considering this to be a new, improved method, a new way of being clever, and a sign of the new age. Looking outside yourself for God is merely foolishness. God exists in your understanding, which means that god is within you. You yourself are the inner thought-free state, Aham, the pure “I” – consciousness, which is God. Hearing this, you may be amazed and wonder, “How can it be?” But that is your wrong understanding.

The Bhagavad Gita says ‘atmaiva ripuratmanaha’ – “One becomes one’s own enemy.” Through such wrong understanding, you create enmity toward your own self. If a person sets our thoughtlessly in search of God but does not find him, why should this be surprising? New York cannot be found on the west coast of the USA because it is on the East Coast. You will never find God by searching outside, because he is inside you.

I will give you another illustration. One night a man took a lamp and determinedly set out in search of fire to dispel the darkness in his house. When the neighbours saw him, they laughed and said “You’re crazy! You have fire right in your hand. What is the use of looking somewhere else for it when you can light a fire with the lamp you’re carrying?” The man instantly realized his mistake.”

Here we have a whole new ball park. This man, this enlightened being that has reached a level of ascendance that all people intuitively search for; he teaches us that God cannot be found elsewhere, but from within. Personal Proof that you are your own god will come to you in the way that you create, for you are the own god of thy own destiny. Who is to say that faith came to those people through the sight of an angel or a ghost? Who is to say that clairvoyants can’t speak to the dead? This could simply be an indication that they have discovered within themselves their own God. If God can do anything, then it’s possible that he can speak to the dead. If you yourself are God, then it’s possible that YOU can speak to the dead.

Swami Maktananda speaks about the importance of chanting and mantra, of proper diet and a disciplined life. He speaks about meditation as a natural function of the mind: How every act of rapt attention is, in its way, a remembering of God. He has explained the nature of Kundalini, the coiled energy released by the spiritual process called ‘shaktipat’, which flows upward into a lotus-whiteness at the top of the head. He has told scriptural stories about Shiva, Shakti, and Krishna, drawing on the startling variety of an ancient tradition rich with gods and sages. Yet he never tires of repeating the simplest truth: “God dwells within you as you.”

God is NOT only the deity of a religious tradition, nor is he only a transcendent reality, a formless force. He is also the speechless interior to your own mind; he is consciousness; he is you in all your humanness, even all your faults and mistakes.

Every avenue of Maktananda’s thought, every poem he sings and story he tells, brings us back to this simple knowledge which it is the mind’s perverse tendency to forget and remember, over and over again. I can only think of putting it this simply: This man lived by this life rule. He grew as a person through the following’s of God, of Himself, and I can only look at the people I know and the life that they have lead, following god, not following god and I think: That man was devout, and now he is devine. If anything can be learned from spirituality, he learned it.And it was the same for Buddha, the Dali Lama and even Einstein... They were all great men; yet none of them were subjective to only one way of thinking.

In some cases, it takes greater men to set lesser men apart, and I wonder at this point ‘ All the pawns are willing to sacrifice themselves yet I wonder, do the opposing kings and queens really want to fight each other?’

INTERESTING NOTE: Chess being a very mathematical, analysing game that people of the interlectual sort enjoy playing: Why is it that the pawns (fighting for our king and queen) sacrifice themselves, yet not really be worth much as far as pieces on the board? The ones that are willing to give up first things first and die because of their blind patriotic faith is hardly worth much on the whole board?

There will always be those that are expendable, and those that won’t be expended.

And which I wonder, will you be? Why is it that in general it’s usually the minority that looses in life, yet those that make the decisions on how we will try to win at life, ARE the minority? Does that seem right to you?
The weak die and the strong grow rich... Yet many of the rich, that send the weak to die; are Christian? I have probably probed a sensitive nerve, but I must say: It does look bad, when those that some would see as evil, as anarchists, selfish money filled fucks that all have their heads up each others arses follow the Christian bible and the Christian god... Doesn’t really look that good for faith’s side...I suppose on another observation, that it takes a certain character of person to have such blind faith, and well, a Christian president or government will haul in those that are best at believing what they have no idea about in theory. It kind of makes sense as a political tactic, however, from my perspective it’s unethical to involve religion with politics. Politics should be neutral, from no bodies point of view, so thus the majority of the public is served justice through the over all decisions...

I submit my final thought and theory... That perhaps, faith in something spiritual is not infact generated by the alleged soul at all, perhaps the soul is merely a construct, such as god, that mankind has put in place to try and explain the unexplainable. Perhaps it is not the soul, but perhaps the human brain that holds our spiritual guidance.

Is it possible that people as a major driving force in this world has generated enough thought between us all that we ourselves have created within our own power; sentience?
There are six billion people in the world, and how many of those people, scientists included, use their mass brain capacity? It’s estimated that the average human being uses less than 10% of their brain power. That leaves 90% of the brain left unused. 90% of six billion brains left to waste in time and flesh... Could it be possible that with every conscious thought we create a pivot in our own destinies? That through the act of imagining with our brains we come closer to our created gods and religions? That if we ourselves are god and god is ourself, then every conscious thought creates within us our own future, our own path? That the part of the brain in which we are not using holds a wisdom unknown to mankind by anything but Godly and omnipresent> Perhaps gods alleged omnipresence is simply that we as people populate the Earth thus, if six billion people are god, then god is with every single person.

That the bible was written by man, and so man was not only the vessel for gods work but the creator of god and his word to give us? Perhaps, we, as humans, needing to be followers by our nature, dwarfed by the epic proportions of our universe, created in our own minds an entity to follow?
I believe that is perfectly possible, it may even be possible that we as humans, created the universe in itself, that we started first, simply as the conscious mind and that acted as a driving force that spun the rest of creation and the creation of our physical form into play.

I don’t really know the probability in the idea I muse on at this point, but I do know for a fact that there is alot of power behind the conscious thought, and alot of potential power behind the human brain. People do not believe in the power of their own minds, instead placing their faith into a giant flying monkey who sits atop a mountain of crystal, rather than believing in themselves. I think it is in our nature as humans to think we are inadequate, to think that we are small... But what else in this world, galaxy, universe has the ability of conscious thought? Has the ability to believe?
There is much out there that we do not know, but there is also much within ourselves that we do not know... And perhaps it would be more beneficiary for us as people to perfect that which we are before exploring outer depths of the universe. How can one understand something as complex and awe-inspiring as space if they do not understand themself?..

What we do with our minds, is between us and our minds. It can effect some, or can effect none. However, I have come to the conclusion that whatever your belief, even if that is to believe in nothing, such a choice is one that proves more beneficiary to explore and try and muse on. It’s in the process of finding that life choice stronghold that grows us as a person, and gives us an element of knowledge that others may not have.
If knowledge is power, then I submit to you: to believe in something blindly, to have faith is one thing. But to walk down other roads, to see other faiths and then to still know in your heart that what you’re doing in the name of which ever principle you choose is right, then that is what is important.