High, Single... Classical life

Strange, how things come into perspective some days, better than others. Hazy problems lie infront of your eyes, like this great veil over your life, distorting what is true and what is delusion. But there is reality out there somewhere! You just need to lift yourself up and look through that mind trap... You just need to keep pushing on, and stop looking backwards for answers to things that lie in the future.

People change. All the time, we change. I shouldn't hold that against anyone... But it's harder to do than say. I guess it's just scary because I dont have eyes looking that way anymore... And the longer it goes with me on the outside the harder it is to not fear the worst...

It rained today... but my top clung to my chest in the sweat of the humidity. deep thunder, dark blue, downward. Folding clothes and thinking. Folding clothes and pondering on all the daily drear... Where is the romance gone kids?

No one tries to 'sweep eachother off their feet' anymore. They is no scandal, no passion... No lust... All just appreciation and convinience. Why is it that all those that are willing to actually try to coerse you to try to get to know them, are all sleezy and ugly?
Why can't there be excitement and spontainuity with men these days? Where is the poetry, the passion that men like shakespeare felt for his women. Courting was so different then...

My bounty is as deep as the sea,

My love as deep; the more I give to thee,

The more I have, for both are infinite.

No more fire... No more passion. Just pleasure. and trying to fit it into the daily schedule? why dont they have rooms in the office for lunch time quickees? Would probably boost morale but would decrease productivety. We have become desensitised to sex because everyday it's in our faces and I for one, think that sucks.

Where is the rawness of sex, of loving... There must be fire for the wood to truly burn... I want to start exploring in the thrills and spills and pills, high, single, classical life. You should join me.

Put a dollar in my pocket

Got any cash, to catch the train?
You see I'd usually walk but it's starting to rain,
and my umbrella has a hole and it drips on my head,
i would drive if I could but no fuel means the car is dead,
Whats going on with the world today when a young driven girl works for nothing?
Cant get no pay, no bonus no christmas holiday, I don't get nothing anymore and it's making me consider becoming a whore,
shitty music playing on the radio station,
plug my ipod in and take a ride to a vacation spot,
in my mind in the back of my head where Im sitting in the bush with a pad and a pen,
where everything flows and there's plenty of inspiration,
cuz it's really hard to do my work at my work station,
the buzz and bussle of the city day streets,
I really hate the place, but im loving the heat.

Just keep moving on and things will get better,
cuz in half a years time I'll be sitting in heaven,
rolling in it man, then I'll be shouting the drinks,
buying things for my mates to make up for all the times I missed,
no more debt, no favours, no IOU's,
cuz I'll be my own person with more than just my teenage views,
I'll be myself, my own and nothing else,
And the only person I'll have to thank for it all is my fucking self.

I want to stand on my own two feet and shout,
Yeah, it really was just an excuse,
but-I'm-fucking-out-and-im-doing-it-now.

Fail Quail

Dissapointment... Its the feeling you get when you look at the things a person does and says, and you just know in your heart they're better then that but time and time again they prove to you just how stupid the amount of faith you have in them actually is...

Endless, pointlessness and lack of productivety... Who is he to say where and when he can draw the line? Time wasted, memories turned into ammunition with mallicious intent and slaughter on the mind. Continuous mindgames and settings to rip at old heart strings...

Pathetic, he is being rather. The constant fluidity of his mood swings. The hate and rage, where the anger takes over the brain and anything is said, everything is said. Running away from the problems he creates for himself but then doesn't want to solve... Sweeping old said words under the carpet and using apologies two hours later to try and pretend that everything is okay.

I am not a theif. I may be alot of other bad things, but I don't steal from people... And the fact that you don't know that only makes me conclude that you never really knew me, or what I stood for, and I would rather be single and hated than with someone who has no fucking clue who I am.

Spread Peace, or grow the fuck up.

It's Business time

Feeling like a goddess. Lying there, feeling the thud of your heart beat dropping down into your now removed underpants. feeling someone elses sweat on your skin, the heat rising, the smell of their breathe lingering on your lips... Exploding. Letting go, inhibitions to the wind; curling rising waves of effortless bliss; a painful yet rewarding molotov cocktail. Massochism, Sadism, bisexualism, transexualism. bondage, rape, sex tapes, hentai, graphic novels, betty page... Karma Sutra baby.

It's sex. And it's wonderful.

Do more of it.

A box of crayons

Wild dreams and restless nights... It's this big old bed, beckoning for his company. I never knew that I could be so willful... But I suppose I'm going to show the world that something good can work and it can work for me... Rediscovering the old, and the old discovering something new.

Blissfully enticing new days are becoming. When the old world sheds its skin and becomes the new world. When the dirty streets of the cold and quiet city fill themselves with cool breeze and sunny afternoons... Staring out the work window at the bustle of that world, Nothing makes me feel lonely anymore. He's like a box of crayons with which to colour my summer into new.

Contemplation and pondering... Is this something that I do too much? I suppose if one cannot live within there own head, they will be the first ones to crack under the pressure of lonliness and iscolation. I want to believe that no matter what goes down, no matter whether I find myself on that abandoned island- I won't have to blood stain a volley ball to keep myself sane.

"As the music roared, We moved through the crowd,

I kissed your lips, there was no one around..."

Your hearts all you've got, so why not use it? Constant smiles, ditzy eyes... The beaming rays of those lingering smells, tastes... It's physical, and radically infectious. I need another fix of my new addiction... But I suppose I'm too afraid to ever say so... Too much at stake to risk loosing it all.

Mmm... music is bringing a taste to my mouth. Mango smoothies and toasted croissants... Winter haze and smoke and rain. Vogue cigarettes and QV1 shirts. Back when I was young and stupid. Back when things like this didn't matter; where sex was as casual as coffee and brunch.

Things are different now, things mean what they didn't mean before... I think I have a conscience, and I like it. I know what I want now, more than I did back then.

There isn't much in this world that phases me, but who I used to be does. My past to me is a place I want to forget, I wish I could just live for the now without it all shadowing over my head like that.

"Without the Sun there would be no shadow. No number ones, noone shallow.

Without the sun there would be no shadow. Nowhere to run from the darkness within"

Lucky Lucky Lucky ol' me... I always seem to come up at the right time, perhaps I'm an opportunist? I suppose this opportunity would be stupid to miss, or to give up. After these past weeks gone I'm begginning to think I'm guided by a force much greater than luck.

Guitar Harps, wringing through my heart strings.

A simple lullaby, that cries to me from another planet.

Crying chords of melancholy fruit and apathy...

Sweet beautiful, Oh my sweet beautiful...

My sylvia and valentine.

Thumping heart sychronises to the drums,

rumbling in the deep of my soul.

Im in synch with life, with love, with myself.

Warm nights, long days, hard life but easy to breathe for once and again.

The great circle spins, with me stuck inside.

Over and over again, a simple cycle of pain and justification.

Of joy and light and shadow and colour...

Most of all colour and sound.

Free moving fingers over this keyboard with a full stomach and a cigarette in mind, an addiction that would be like giving up air.

New chapter, titled: Full moon under a suede blanket.

You're simple, but effective.

Your Eyes Follow

Take my hand and take me there,
take me anywhere but here.
Cuz there are scary things under my bed,
and a monster that lives inside my head,
he only comes out when I'm alone,
and tells me I have to stay at home.

Its your eyes, I see a smile in your eyes,
and everywhere I go, your eyes follow,

and your lips I want a kiss from those lips
everywhere I go, will your kisses follow?

See this girl before you,
You know she's pretty scared
cuz she wants to get to know you,
Wants to wake up in your bed,
and loving you is scary,
Cuz she doesn't know where she'll end,
but she takes heart in knowing
where ever she is going,
If she looks over her shoulder
her kisses and smiles are right behind her.

Its your eyes, I see a smile in your eyes,
and everywhere I go, your eyes follow,

and your lips I want a kiss from those lips
everywhere I go, will your kisses follow?

Meet me under the bridge tonight,
Even though it's raining light
I need to know that I won't be lost
to the monsters that I hate the most.
Take my hand and lead me to your special place
I touch your face,
and you know... That I'm not lying this time.

where is my mind?

As I picked my shit up and crammed it into a bag 2 sizes too small, and walked down a busy street, staring soley at my feet, cluthing pictures of past lover's at my side, I took a deep draw of my cigarette and felt the bitter-sweet taste of freedom... And as the smoke billowed from my nostrils and trailed away into the air I thought: 'This is the first day, of the rest of my life'.


Postal service in my ears and a heavy weight on my shoulders, but not on my conscience. In my mind and my heart- I am free... Free of doubts, free of fears, free of disapointments and guilt. I am free from myself, and free for myself.


Where Is my mind? Im not entirely sure, again. All i know is clubbing and drinks being offered to me round the clock makes my mind forget that its incredibly lost. Keeping busy, new job, new life... Choose life... But who would want to do a thing like that? I got one foot in the grave and im not stopping now...


Just keep swimming kid, yeah, just keep swimming... Hard days, 12 hours long... but good relief to come home too. Hat? I see a new thing unfolding before me, and I'm not entirely sure if I'll crash and burn or rise up to a new challenge, but hey, you only fail when you stop trying.

Things seem to be effortless, but I'm still tired all the time anyway. I think I'm just pushing my brain through a car wash, removing all of the negativety, the slouchyness and the bad vibes and thoughts and memories. They have helped me grow, helped me ascend to the mindset I have today... Those memories are the reason I survived up until this point. But I think it's time to build my future on new foundations... One's of proper support, one's of love and friendship and companionship...

The dog days are over

Things are looking up kid, yeah; things are looking up...
The dog days are over. The dog days are done.

Busy busy busy, but still coming up fabulous... Things seem to move alot slower, yet time ticks faster than ever before, where oh where is time going?
Rediscovering... It's always refreshing to find something new within something old... Like finding a vintage bottle of wine, and finally deciding to open it up, and taste it.

I don't really drink much wine, but I do know what it feels like to feel something so good... Something so soft, and pure. Tender touch. smooth, inviting warmth; a first amongst many firsts before, but this time was different. This time was special.
I want to appreciate what other people abuse, I want to comfort those that other people shit on. It's not fair that the beautiful people in life get turned bitter and ugly by other bitter and ugly people. Not physically, spiritually.
I want to help other people grow... Up and up and up, like the fire that cracks a seed open and reveals to it the otherworldly possibility of expanding up and out and down and in all directions, turning into a tree that can spawn new seeds of its own.

I feel like an old god walking down a new street. Take your life and cut it into 1 million pieces... Put it back together again, and no matter which way it turns out, you will always still be you... You will always still be perfect. I want to put music back into the airwaves, and give a kick to peoples steps... Free hugs anyone? Free advice?

"namo bhagavate bhai sajyaguru

vai duryaprabharajaya tathagataya

arhate samaskasambuddhaya tadyatha:

om bhai sajye bhai sajye mahabhai sajya-samudgate svaha."

A passage from the Bhai sajyaguruvaiduryaprabharaja Sutra... The medicine Buddha's mantra and Dharani... A mantra that I feel, calls out to me.

I want to be coated in white light... Healing light, that I can pass onto others. I want to take everything in my stride, be the bearer of other people's pain. Eliminate that pain when others can't. I have a new outlook on life after I decided to give a very special person a very special gift. But in giving that gift to them, I myself was also rewarded... I have not stopped smiling since.

Here you're allowed, everything all of the time... Here is my body, my soul, my heart, my mind. Use them as you need them; for I will never deny you. Everybody is somebody. Somebody important. Everyone has a devine purpose and reason for being here, and who will help us all in times of trial if not eachother? Cherish how fragile the human spirit can be sometimes, and others will cherish you.
Do good unto others. Help your god damn neighbour.

Today as I walked home from work, some cunts in a car tried to egg me. They shouted something obviously along the lines of 'I feel that my sexual performance is average, and im genderly challenged so I'm going to take it out on someone because I'm afraid of gays' and threw and egg... And it missed me. At first I thought "Sucked in, you cant throw"... And then I realised that I had obviously done something good that day, because it did miss, when it could have easily covered me in chicken period... Sometimes life does notice your good deeds, and it obviously does reward you.

I walked through the city yesterday morning... With a grin on my face as big as the grin I had drawn on my hand from the night before... And I smiled at people as they caught my eye, and not one of them smiled back. What is wrong with the world today? Can't people smile anymore? It was almost as if my smile insulted them, these 9 to 5 suit lackies, jealous that my morning was obviously better than theirs so far...

Something is terribly, terribly wrong with this world.

So, My lesson of the day is:

Be a good person, and you wont get covered in other peoples chicken period.