It's not in how we behave, it's in what we say... Words are powerful, and people don't seem to appreciate that. Words can cut a man worse than the sharpest sword... And I feel cut by whats unfolding here.
It is simply a decision that I, as an adult, decided to make with another adult. We are fully capable of making our own decisions, and it's something that we thought about, that we decided to go ahead with. This is not some last minute resort driven by desperation and lonliness. I'm not lonely at all, and I'm not desperate. This is not some cheap trick to try and swindle some poor unfortunate guy out of his money or love or whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be using him for... This was thought about, hard and long. This was cleverly constructed, and calculated. This was and still is communication, between us, those who are involved, just the two of us. And it's working out for the best... But do they know that? Do they care?
We are not what they think we are. This is not what they claim it to be. Closeness feels further away now, conflict divides and tears apart.
Perspective. The big picture... It's words like these, people like these and opinions like these that keep the love and goodness out of people's lives and hearts. It's a disabler; negativety.
It drives into people's hearts like stakes and turns what was good in them horrid and bitter... Breaks down the fortress created in multi-connected friendships... Words are poisonous, and I feel it now pulsing through me, like I felt it when I heard what someone very close to me had been saying... Rage. Resentment. I am being wronged, and out of the courtesies I learnt as a human being I choose to not make this an issue for him. I consider his feelings when he clearly does not consider my own.
I am disapointed by this. I am in pain because of this... I said so many things that night on tape. Many things that I had not said in a long time... I valued who he was, everything I have now with the people I love and know so dearly to my heart- all started with him. And he repays that love and adoration with snide comments and gossip behind my back, were we lesser people we could have let that destroy our chance of happiness together, and I don't know if he would even care... apparently we are not about us, but about him now... Such arrogance.
This is not friendship. I didn't really think that Tyson and I were best of buddies, but I thought we at least respected and understood eachother. I thought we shared a common ground, someone who knew the score... And underneath the constant shit and bullying "all in good fun and humour" he gets from everyone else, I never openly took part, I never pushed things past the 'too far' mark, like others have... I have never taken a cheap shot. I have never not listened to him, nor have I disregarded the things that he says. He is/was my friend, and I thought that was a feeling shared.
I am now awakened. This is all just some fake self security I've forced myself to believe because I wanted to believe I had found a friendship utopia. Where the people all loved me and cared about me and for me, and there was no judgement or whispering, and I in turn returned the feeling, a heavily nurturing and comforting environment... A place of escape, a place of humble people. I trusted him, and now I'm left feeling betrayed, angry, stabbed in the back...
Cheap shot, lost alot. Empty. Finite.
'A true friend stabs you in the front'
