New change.
New love, reborn from that of old.
Unconditional faith in those around us. Family. Friends.
Where am I today? Further than I was yesterday. I love the morning; where you open your eyes to a warm sun, the weight of your blankets securing you in your bubble of fluffy, rested joy... The sun shining in, rising to the noon, a promise of new hope, new joy, new love.
Spread peace.
Take that in which we all strive to acheive, and make it happen today. Who is stopping me? My life is not in my control, that which I will ultimately end up here for is a purpose beyond my understanding; so when someone asks me to help them, to help them change for the better-- My heart sings... What better way to show love then this? Being asked for help is humbling and hard to do.
So I said yes. Someone so internally troubled, all I want is to see them grow, watch them spread like a tree, upwards and outwards; towards the heavens. Towards God.
And so tonight, when I put my head to my pillow, I will be thanking the world. Thanking my life for blessing me with the honour of being a shoulder to lean on, and asking for the strength to get up the next day so that I may continue to do what I was put here for...
Spread peace, rejoice and love! It is the greatest year of all our lives, we are here to grow so let us grow! Up and up children, up and onto new days, new hopes, new dreams. Let's all acheive.
Let's all believe in something greater.
Take my hand and we will soar. There is only a brighter future ahead of us.
I love without pain once more.
I grow
I expand
I believe
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Comparisons are easily done when you've had a taste of perfection.
Old gods on new streets... The deep breath before the plunge, that one, crystaline moment of clarity, of silence. Where is my generation's revolution?
I grow tired and weary of this place... Trudging endlessly through the mud, awaiting the grass on the other side; awaiting my justice. When will the day come where all this hard work and pain will be worth it? There's nothing worth fighting for anymore.
I'm hurting inside. I'm screaming and crying and punching out at the world around me and the one thing that can make it better is all about parties and money and secret agenda's. It's all the plan, the plan that has been 'the plan' for so long before me; how could I ever ask it to stop? How could I ever ask for any form of attention?
It's all about the look. It's all about 'Look at me, I'm the guy up there, I'm the dude with the good times... I'm all about destroying minds and reaping the profitable benefits... Hey ladies, wanna see how phat this shit is?' and there I sit, watching and thinking... Watching the boundaries seem to get closer and closer to breaking point. Was it not a party? Was it not something that I was invited too?
So why then do I sit, stiff and lifeless in my chair, consuming cigarette after cigarette to numb the pain of the low blows, the pathetic cuts and jabs I recieve for the few breif minutes that he's outside? Sitting across the table ofcourse, when the chairs beside me are all empty.
This is not the high life.
This is not love.
Love is a strong word... It's a word of trust, of affection, of family. It's a bond that chooses you; something special and sacred. It should be honored, and how can he look me in the eyes and say that he honours it?... I try so hard to be what I am supposed to be... To do my duty as his place of comfort, of love. And he writes like he is alone, and noone and nothing can solidate him. I'm right here to take on the weight of his world, and it's thrown back in my face.
Empty promise after empty promise, and all I want is a few hours of a day... A tiny moment of a day, a week where I could just be held... Be hugged and kissed and touched like I was a goddess and nothing was better... Just the smallest, littlest of whiles... Am I so wrong for desiring to be desired?
I need touch. Skin on Skin. I'm not some 'thing' that he can add to 'the life'. I'm not a possession, I'm a person and I have needs too. I need some attention, positive attention, like his night is obviously different or better because I'm there. Why do I endlessly follow if the leader wouldn't even know if I had stopped following months ago. Just turns around one day 'Shit, where did she go?'
I can't escape this endless torment... My own life mocks me, I'm special but I'm being made to feel ordinary... Doesn't he remember that night? Can't he see how tired I am of all this?
Sitting outside, coned in tears and silence... It fell from his lips and for one second- time stopped. there was nothing that could of made me snap out of that moment. Doesn't he remember the pain of the end of us? Where he told me he would stop dealing, stop taking acid if it meant I was with him? Would he sacrifice those things now for me?
Somedays I think he would trade me for those things...
A promise was made in the granny flat the next day... I remember saying to him 'Don't make me regret it... Don't make me look back at this moment and wish that I had just walked away while I had the strength' and what is happening now? Everything is the way it was before...
I'm angry, and oppressed, and this shit has got to stop.
Maybe It's all doom and gloom, but things get better in one part of us, something else turns to shit because of it.
I'm torn, lost and broken and I thought I needed him to make it all better but maybe it's a better idea to find that within someone else. Maybe if I stop caring, I'll scare him and he'll realise what this should be about.
Surround yourself with possible disapointments and you will experience disapointment... People will let you down; but I know that there are SO many guys out there who would kill to be with a chick like me, and I don't see why I should go through this bullshit from someone who clearly doesn't know what he's got... Or how lucky he is that I've stayed for this long...
But who would I be without him? What would become of my life? The only fear I have of walking away is the pain of the absence... Of lonliness. Of being with someone who isn't him.
I'm not single, but I'm still lonely.
That's not right.
If he wants to play superman... Why can't I be his Lois Lane?
I grow tired and weary of this place... Trudging endlessly through the mud, awaiting the grass on the other side; awaiting my justice. When will the day come where all this hard work and pain will be worth it? There's nothing worth fighting for anymore.
I'm hurting inside. I'm screaming and crying and punching out at the world around me and the one thing that can make it better is all about parties and money and secret agenda's. It's all the plan, the plan that has been 'the plan' for so long before me; how could I ever ask it to stop? How could I ever ask for any form of attention?
It's all about the look. It's all about 'Look at me, I'm the guy up there, I'm the dude with the good times... I'm all about destroying minds and reaping the profitable benefits... Hey ladies, wanna see how phat this shit is?' and there I sit, watching and thinking... Watching the boundaries seem to get closer and closer to breaking point. Was it not a party? Was it not something that I was invited too?
So why then do I sit, stiff and lifeless in my chair, consuming cigarette after cigarette to numb the pain of the low blows, the pathetic cuts and jabs I recieve for the few breif minutes that he's outside? Sitting across the table ofcourse, when the chairs beside me are all empty.
This is not the high life.
This is not love.
Love is a strong word... It's a word of trust, of affection, of family. It's a bond that chooses you; something special and sacred. It should be honored, and how can he look me in the eyes and say that he honours it?... I try so hard to be what I am supposed to be... To do my duty as his place of comfort, of love. And he writes like he is alone, and noone and nothing can solidate him. I'm right here to take on the weight of his world, and it's thrown back in my face.
Empty promise after empty promise, and all I want is a few hours of a day... A tiny moment of a day, a week where I could just be held... Be hugged and kissed and touched like I was a goddess and nothing was better... Just the smallest, littlest of whiles... Am I so wrong for desiring to be desired?
I need touch. Skin on Skin. I'm not some 'thing' that he can add to 'the life'. I'm not a possession, I'm a person and I have needs too. I need some attention, positive attention, like his night is obviously different or better because I'm there. Why do I endlessly follow if the leader wouldn't even know if I had stopped following months ago. Just turns around one day 'Shit, where did she go?'
I can't escape this endless torment... My own life mocks me, I'm special but I'm being made to feel ordinary... Doesn't he remember that night? Can't he see how tired I am of all this?
Sitting outside, coned in tears and silence... It fell from his lips and for one second- time stopped. there was nothing that could of made me snap out of that moment. Doesn't he remember the pain of the end of us? Where he told me he would stop dealing, stop taking acid if it meant I was with him? Would he sacrifice those things now for me?
Somedays I think he would trade me for those things...
A promise was made in the granny flat the next day... I remember saying to him 'Don't make me regret it... Don't make me look back at this moment and wish that I had just walked away while I had the strength' and what is happening now? Everything is the way it was before...
I'm angry, and oppressed, and this shit has got to stop.
Maybe It's all doom and gloom, but things get better in one part of us, something else turns to shit because of it.
I'm torn, lost and broken and I thought I needed him to make it all better but maybe it's a better idea to find that within someone else. Maybe if I stop caring, I'll scare him and he'll realise what this should be about.
Surround yourself with possible disapointments and you will experience disapointment... People will let you down; but I know that there are SO many guys out there who would kill to be with a chick like me, and I don't see why I should go through this bullshit from someone who clearly doesn't know what he's got... Or how lucky he is that I've stayed for this long...
But who would I be without him? What would become of my life? The only fear I have of walking away is the pain of the absence... Of lonliness. Of being with someone who isn't him.
I'm not single, but I'm still lonely.
That's not right.
If he wants to play superman... Why can't I be his Lois Lane?
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