I have put myself somewhere, a place I've never been. Where are the ghosts that haunt my steps? Where is the shadow that follows me, day after day, filling my heart with misery and guilt?
I feel no sadness now, I feel no shame for the decisions I've made. I feel only a numbness, not empty and hollow but soothing and good for the soul. Perhaps I've come to a point in my life where I no longer fear the thought of breaking something or someone... That all that I once hated myself for, I have thus accepted.
I'm beginning to realise, that good things seem to happen when I'm not doubting myself. I trusted my decision to return to my home, and thus it seems that Life has rewarded me. I find happiness, always now, when I look into my eyes. I feel true, I feel almost blissful constantly.
Does it make me a bad person? That I sit here glowing with this incredible inner light, a discovered new power that I have over myself when I've broken so many hearts and caused so much pain? I don't want to simply be a person who doesn't feel bad because she doesn't care for others and their misfortune but something in me literally stops me from digging up that empathy for the people once close to me... I try to envoke it, I seek it out but to no avail.
It concerns me... I have prided myself on my ability to empathise and help others, and I should care whether my actions effect the lives of others but something in me just stops me from giving a shit anymore; like when I got on that plane and left Adelaide a great cord around me was cut and thus when I try to reconnect with any feeling I ever felt for David-- It's almost as if no feeling ever existed, my mind and my heart search and search to try and remember what it felt like but I fail every time... This was my last relationship! Shouldn't I be hurt by our breakup? Shouldn't I even care a little?
Maybe I came home so badly broken and hurt by our relationship that I simply killed any last shred of affection that I had, simply locked it up somewhere within myself and buried it too deep to find again. ...
oh apathy, apathy where are you now? Conflicted in the absense of pain- morally speaking I should be heartbroken; however not being heart broken is a nice change of pace... Maybe this is my break from it? Maybe I mourned the loss of our relationship whilst I was still there, I did have such a long time to come to terms with the fact that we would never work out. Am I becoming some kind of soulless monster? Or is this my way to a clean conscience through releasing myself from my self hatred and guilt?
A trap or freedom? A blessing or an omen? Gotta get used to feeling this way, it's been way too long since I felt okay with being me.
Maybe- I have let go of my rediculous quest to find true love! If it does exist, I don't think I care, cuz every time someone says they love me, it seems to mean they dont have to try anymore. I don't think I mind, whether it's love or not, so long as they are treating me the way I want to be treated. There are people in my life like that now- people that don't control or command, that don't make me feel like I should be anything other than what I am- and not only that, but they're INTERESTED in who I am, people who want to delve into what makes me this person, and they cherish how unique I am. I'm not too childish, or immature, or not proud of myself enough or too clingy and annoying... People that don't whince away from me when I hug them, that never ask for space and never physically leave me alone. THAT speaks to me more than a word that gets thrown around all the time. That speaks to me more than someone who says they love me, yet tells me to never speak to them of memories that are misfortunate or bad, yet never opens themself to me, yet calls me a child and chides me for not doing his dishes during the day. Who never touched me with love, who never gave me the simple joy of bearing it all together, rather than holding it all back when I'm standing with arms open feeling humiliated.
I'm not guilty, I'm not sad, I am simply who and what I am... And when I look upon my lifes journey and come across the time I spent in Adelaide, I don't think anything that was said or done during that time will mean anything other than this lesson: Forget about trying to find someone who says they love you, find someone who doesn't begrudge or try to change who you are, but accepts and cherishes who you are, and encourages that within you.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I'm not but I am
It's all music to me, wringing through my ears. Total transformation, for what seemed like an eternity alone is now all smoke, all simply shifting into nothing but a memory. I don't remember the anger or the fear anymore; I don't remember my heart fluttering either. How could I have known otherwise? Was such an endeavor simply a waste of time?
I have grown so much, learned so much but to what end? At what cost? This effects more than just me, it always has. So foolishly I threw words around, words that I cherish. It should have been clear a long time ago to me but what I lost in time won't be forfeited in the lesson itself- I made a mistake, an error in judgement. What I pushed in the past now is decaying the future, but like something that is trapped and must be freed, what returns in freedom is real, it lasts forever.
Am I disappointed in my mistakes? Not really. I am only human, in the grand spectrum of life, what's 8 months to the many years left awaiting me? It's a shame that others get hurt, that others are made a party to our ignorance, and for that I can only apologize so many times. This is not the first time I've hurt someone, not the last either. I hope that when it's all fed and watered I'll be able to finally have the resolve I want from those who have suffered by my hands. That time is not now, and won't come for a while.
I have realized what I think I really want in life, though trying to articulate that here would do it no justice... I think I just want to be myself, and be loved for it by not just one person, but many. to not let go of whats important, and to know the right time when letting go is the best thing for everyone. I have limits, that I can't deny; and being this far away from what I wanted to work on for so long is just making it all a whole lot worse. It's not my fault, nor is it his; but purpose is something that I often mistake and right now I'm full of doubt. Was it the right thing to do? For me- Yes, but for us? Probably not. I feel like the reasons that I ventured out of state for kinda changed once going away...
The clarity of being completely isolated from my life gave me an insight into myself, it was like a time of grounding. I accomplished much for myself on a personal level, though what I learned didn't involve David to the same extent. I stopped being constantly at odds with my conscience, I stopped fighting myself in mind and spirit. I embraced the truth of myself, remembered the things I valued and the things I didn't.
Living out of a suit case was kinda like stripping myself of all my worldly possessions, I didn't feel so attached anymore to all the 'things' in my house, my life, my wardrobe. I had to get by with what I had, and I enjoyed the humble life. As for starting the relationship with David from that personal view, finally a reality, finally something real- I was met with many challenges. 'Nothing worth doing in life is easy'- I used to tell myself that to justify how challenging it all really felt to me. Now I'm not so sure- when it comes to love- things should flow, like a liquid energy. Things should be given, shared, enjoyed. There was no flow with our love, no effortless way to express myself. This is what I struggled with the most- that as I would try to engage affection, I felt constantly reproached. I was not myself there, I didn't feel like the me I had always known so well.
What does this mean? I'm not really sure. I can't really base any final conclusions on these mere thoughts alone. I just don't know how else I can get them out of my head right now. Talking, talking is so permanent; and when I've based such little faith in the power of my words in the past- perhaps I'd be better off at this point just writing thoughts down before committing them to a conversation.
I am so happy to be home, and little of me is pained by my return; even when I think back at the one that I left. This hurts me, the fact that not even memory can inspire for me a shred of yearning or pining for the place that was my home for so long... Not David's fault at all, if anything he is more a victim of this than me. Through the recent years that have passed, all my life in Perth has cracked, crumbled, and thus been rebuilt. The family I have come to love so much and respect so much, once in total divide, is now stronger than ever. To be apart from that, was just too much for me to bare.
Time cures everything, and I know that soon my mind and heart will run in synch again. Just needed to type some shit out, and remember what my day is for.
I have grown so much, learned so much but to what end? At what cost? This effects more than just me, it always has. So foolishly I threw words around, words that I cherish. It should have been clear a long time ago to me but what I lost in time won't be forfeited in the lesson itself- I made a mistake, an error in judgement. What I pushed in the past now is decaying the future, but like something that is trapped and must be freed, what returns in freedom is real, it lasts forever.
Am I disappointed in my mistakes? Not really. I am only human, in the grand spectrum of life, what's 8 months to the many years left awaiting me? It's a shame that others get hurt, that others are made a party to our ignorance, and for that I can only apologize so many times. This is not the first time I've hurt someone, not the last either. I hope that when it's all fed and watered I'll be able to finally have the resolve I want from those who have suffered by my hands. That time is not now, and won't come for a while.
I have realized what I think I really want in life, though trying to articulate that here would do it no justice... I think I just want to be myself, and be loved for it by not just one person, but many. to not let go of whats important, and to know the right time when letting go is the best thing for everyone. I have limits, that I can't deny; and being this far away from what I wanted to work on for so long is just making it all a whole lot worse. It's not my fault, nor is it his; but purpose is something that I often mistake and right now I'm full of doubt. Was it the right thing to do? For me- Yes, but for us? Probably not. I feel like the reasons that I ventured out of state for kinda changed once going away...
The clarity of being completely isolated from my life gave me an insight into myself, it was like a time of grounding. I accomplished much for myself on a personal level, though what I learned didn't involve David to the same extent. I stopped being constantly at odds with my conscience, I stopped fighting myself in mind and spirit. I embraced the truth of myself, remembered the things I valued and the things I didn't.
Living out of a suit case was kinda like stripping myself of all my worldly possessions, I didn't feel so attached anymore to all the 'things' in my house, my life, my wardrobe. I had to get by with what I had, and I enjoyed the humble life. As for starting the relationship with David from that personal view, finally a reality, finally something real- I was met with many challenges. 'Nothing worth doing in life is easy'- I used to tell myself that to justify how challenging it all really felt to me. Now I'm not so sure- when it comes to love- things should flow, like a liquid energy. Things should be given, shared, enjoyed. There was no flow with our love, no effortless way to express myself. This is what I struggled with the most- that as I would try to engage affection, I felt constantly reproached. I was not myself there, I didn't feel like the me I had always known so well.
What does this mean? I'm not really sure. I can't really base any final conclusions on these mere thoughts alone. I just don't know how else I can get them out of my head right now. Talking, talking is so permanent; and when I've based such little faith in the power of my words in the past- perhaps I'd be better off at this point just writing thoughts down before committing them to a conversation.
I am so happy to be home, and little of me is pained by my return; even when I think back at the one that I left. This hurts me, the fact that not even memory can inspire for me a shred of yearning or pining for the place that was my home for so long... Not David's fault at all, if anything he is more a victim of this than me. Through the recent years that have passed, all my life in Perth has cracked, crumbled, and thus been rebuilt. The family I have come to love so much and respect so much, once in total divide, is now stronger than ever. To be apart from that, was just too much for me to bare.
Time cures everything, and I know that soon my mind and heart will run in synch again. Just needed to type some shit out, and remember what my day is for.
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