I'm not but I am

It's all music to me, wringing through my ears. Total transformation, for what seemed like an eternity alone is now all smoke, all simply shifting into nothing but a memory. I don't remember the anger or the fear anymore; I don't remember my heart fluttering either. How could I have known otherwise? Was such an endeavor simply a waste of time?

I have grown so much, learned so much but to what end? At what cost? This effects more than just me, it always has. So foolishly I threw words around, words that I cherish. It should have been clear a long time ago to me but what I lost in time won't be forfeited in the lesson itself- I made a mistake, an error in judgement. What I pushed in the past now is decaying the future, but like something that is trapped and must be freed, what returns in freedom is real, it lasts forever.

Am I disappointed in my mistakes? Not really. I am only human, in the grand spectrum of life, what's 8 months to the many years left awaiting me? It's a shame that others get hurt, that others are made a party to our ignorance, and for that I can only apologize so many times. This is not the first time I've hurt someone, not the last either. I hope that when it's all fed and watered I'll be able to finally have the resolve I want from those who have suffered by my hands. That time is not now, and won't come for a while.

I have realized what I think I really want in life, though trying to articulate that here would do it no justice... I think I just want to be myself, and be loved for it by not just one person, but many. to not let go of whats important, and to know the right time when letting go is the best thing for everyone. I have limits, that I can't deny; and being this far away from what I wanted to work on for so long is just making it all a whole lot worse. It's not my fault, nor is it his; but purpose is something that I often mistake and right now I'm full of doubt. Was it the right thing to do? For me- Yes, but for us? Probably not. I feel like the reasons that I ventured out of state for kinda changed once going away...
The clarity of being completely isolated from my life gave me an insight into myself, it was like a time of grounding. I accomplished much for myself on a personal level, though what I learned didn't involve David to the same extent. I stopped being constantly at odds with my conscience, I stopped fighting myself in mind and spirit. I embraced the truth of myself, remembered the things I valued and the things I didn't.

Living out of a suit case was kinda like stripping myself of all my worldly possessions, I didn't feel so attached anymore to all the 'things' in my house, my life, my wardrobe. I had to get by with what I had, and I enjoyed the humble life. As for starting the relationship with David from that personal view, finally a reality, finally something real- I was met with many challenges. 'Nothing worth doing in life is easy'- I used to tell myself that to justify how challenging it all really felt to me. Now I'm not so sure- when it comes to love- things should flow, like a liquid energy. Things should be given, shared, enjoyed. There was no flow with our love, no effortless way to express myself. This is what I struggled with the most- that as I would try to engage affection, I felt constantly reproached. I was not myself there, I didn't feel like the me I had always known so well.

What does this mean? I'm not really sure. I can't really base any final conclusions on these mere thoughts alone. I just don't know how else I can get them out of my head right now. Talking, talking is so permanent; and when I've based such little faith in the power of my words in the past- perhaps I'd be better off at this point just writing thoughts down before committing them to a conversation.

I am so happy to be home, and little of me is pained by my return; even when I think back at the one that I left. This hurts me, the fact that not even memory can inspire for me a shred of yearning or pining for the place that was my home for so long... Not David's fault at all, if anything he is more a victim of this than me. Through the recent years that have passed, all my life in Perth has cracked, crumbled, and thus been rebuilt. The family I have come to love so much and respect so much, once in total divide, is now stronger than ever. To be apart from that, was just too much for me to bare.
Time cures everything, and I know that soon my mind and heart will run in synch again. Just needed to type some shit out, and remember what my day is for.