Memoires of a doof gone wrong.

So I'm here... And everyone is alien to me... This place just reminds me of what it used to be like, of what he used to be like; and how completely different that time was to this time now. I feel alone; dark and pitiful. I seem to just walk on by; passing people I know that I discover I don't really know anymore. Everything here is strange, wrong. A picture taking from a scary dream? I feel like I'm at one with nothingness. That I could stay out here forever; wasting away with the rest of the filfth and torment that seems to live rooted deep in my soul.

What was it like? Being happy? Was it a time so far off in your memory? Where you had something goof that you wanted? Where infact, at all was my bastion of true love prevailing? Was it here, in this place? Could it ever be found here? Not here, not in this place.

I am discovering alot about my more introverted side. I'm hoping that by writing this down I'll feel a bit better, but it's really not working...

I'm so alone...

Even with his love, I feel alone. In a room filled with people, I feel alone. Still alone. All I have is this.
Unrequited feelings of a long time ago... A memory that has filled my head, a face, that fleeting, happy face... So what's the point if in the end, we are just sad and alone, with our sickness and our memories?...

Ahh that I could stay here, a frozen memory in time... /Do I really want to die out here? Where nothing is sacred, not even myself?
Where's the revolution man? Why doesn't this shit feel right anymore?

Does anything feel right anymore? All I seem to do is get dumber everyday. I wish everyone would just leave me alone... At least then I would have some direction with my rejection. Instead, I just feel inadequate and boring.

It was Imogen who abandoned me, Out of everyone that I have counted on for being there... And she's nowhere to be found. I suppose it's because I love her, I just want to go home and cry...

...Where is she?...

DEJECTED! LOSER! LOSER LOSER LOSER! -- Why the fuck do I try anymore?

Sadness. Why did she make me go off to be alone? I just wanted to have fun, She always has so much fun. Sitting waiting for everyone but everon is her... But I'm nowhere...

Such a sadness weighs down my heart. So much sorrow and joyless-ness revears in my soul. A black hole in my heart, forever sucking everything I have away into absolute fucking nothing...

I hear distant voices, in the clearing up ahead. Is it real? Is anyone even there? I want her to find me... But she wont.
I think no one will, no one will notice me if I'm gone, no one will notice If I just disapear into this overgrown mess.

Its almost as if I can hear her through all this distance. Why am I obsessing about her? Because it distracts me from him? I think I really would die out here if I allowed myself to start thinking about that mans emotional spectrum...

I wandered off? Over the Edge? -- If I could just see her, know that she was okay?..

My ride appears to be gone. Panic set in, how am I gonna get home? I feel so 'outed' right now... Like suddenly I'm not good enough for her, for him, for the world. What do I have to come home to? What do I want to come home too? That is a good question.

Freak. Fuck an asshole day... Got fucked over by an asshole today, and it will probably happen again.
I thought I was allowed here, accepted here, loved here.
But I'm none of those things... I'm just... Simply here.

Fuck I'm numb. I don't think I could feel a shred of happiness if I wanted too. Just so disconnected from that which I want to reconnect with. Literal bliss, is so far away, inevitably unobtainable...

Nirvana will never be reached, and I have no godly messiah. What happened to the bracelet, all orange red yellow and green... a labour of love, lost to the world and everything in it.

I'm just like that bracelet... Worn until old and tired, then lost... Lost and forgotten.