I should be a porn star.

confusing. Not sure about anything anymore really... Dont want. Do want. Think want? Not want.

Life blows inward, outward, everward. Cool green grass tips my toes as I walk bear foot across the oval. Patch of sun, sit down with a thud. Pull black skirt up past the knee, revealing bruised, scratched shins.
Drink it up.

Whip out ipod. Plugs in, phasers set to rock playlist uno. Pen out, book open. Black Emotive Scribble. Tired.

Sighing doesn't feel like sighing anymore, and there's this tight, uneasiness growing in my chest. Lungs burn, throat hurts. Leaping about the pace moving several miles per hour too fast for my legs, I think I lost them several days ago. Smoking bongs till my neck wants to fall off

Why do i want to run so bad, when everything but my heart tells me to stay? It's chaos inside here, plates smashing on heads, feeble strangle attempts. Lost and old regrets...

Give me a strength that I never had before, my old one isn't working anymore and I need another fix of affection... Wont some body need me? Don't all girls get this eager to please?
I guess I just like feeling good. When that adrenaline pumps through your veins and your hearts thudding in your chest because you know how wrong what you want is, when their skin touches yours, when you realise that this could be your moment to just scream... And when you grab ahold and take them, that explosion of joy that fires through your belly down into your toes and your legs start to shake because you want them so bad its making you feel physical pain???
I live for that feeling.

I like feeling like a porn star.

I just want to fuck off all that I knew, and pick it up with someone else who i know isn't going to latch on at the first sign of emotional hope. I want a friend, a companion that appreciates me enough as a friend to warrant the favour of a mindless fuck... You're friends, so its not empty; but because its lusty, its passionate and hard and god damn amazing.

Does that make me satan spawn?

Decode this

Break free from mother's teat,

Like tiny blue birds in the grass,

and golden tendrils falling down,

we'll grab from freedom to sing along.



All the rainbows deep concern,

is crashing down unto the Earth,

And swirling lights, watering eyes

Flashing beacons of Alien lies,



Growling dog on lonely cat,

we'll try to understand where we're at,

and if we cannot find what's wrong,

we'll all redose and smoke more bongs,



Take hold of lover's locks,

to recreate what we forgot,

and all that is this poet's mess,

was found from under your brother's dress.

There's freezia's growing everywhere except my house

It seems everywhere I go, elements around me remind me it's spring. The flowers are blooming, bees are buzzing around... The clock is eternally ticking, but I feel like I'm stuck in a muted box... Why doesn't the sun shine? It's stormy and raining, things feel dull and airy; almost like in slow motion, with water muffling all sound around me.

Guilt covers me, shames me. I look in the mirror these days and all i can see is how bent my nose is, an imperfection I only just noticed, but it's too far to one side. I hate my nose. So close to achieving the biggest dream I have ever had; and all I can think about is my fucking nose? When am I going to grow up?

Patterns, seem to spiral out of me when I'm feeling confused, unsure or upset. I seem to grab at the first person I can find and try to latch onto them for support... I never seem to stand up by myself and do something out of my own strength.

Glass of self loathing anyone? I think it would taste bitter, and smell like really strong industry grade cleaning chemical.
Talking... I'm just so tired of talking about the inevitable. Why contemplate what I already know is certain? I wish I had the balls to just smash this stupid box and step out into the sunshine again, maybe reestablish what I want and need in life.

Ahh... Conan... What is best in life? How could a slave know whats best in life and I not know? Why does everything I see everywhere remind me of a time that I was happier?

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some insight on Rambles

All I can hear is this heavy, thick background haunting of thundering rain... Filling my soul with sweet hints of melancholy. How horribly familiar this feeling is to me of late, like tiny itchy needles jabbing into every inch of my skin, and no matter how hard I scratch, the itch never stops.
When I look out at my life, everything looks in place; it's all there, everything is normal... But there is this taste in my mouth, telling me that it's not. Something isn't right, something doesn't fit in properly... and although I have my ideas as to what that might be, the fact that I don't know for sure until I remove it, or keep it all the same is terrifying. I would say I hate my pessimism is suffocating me; but I really don't like optimists.

Positive people shit me... They come in all shapes and sizes but the majority that shit me are the happy smiles, suzy homemaker, virgin christian types who only think the world is such a magical place because their churches superglued 3D glasses to their heads and their parents make enough money to shelter them from the horrors they see everyday on T.V.
They think they know how horrible the world is without experiencing it for themselves, they think the knowledge they have from other sources on 'whats wrong with life' is enough but really it's not...

They put $10 a week into a collection plate that goes to starving and misfortunate children in Nigeria and think they're a better person for it; but the truth is, until they walk out onto the street and see the pain and gloom around them that is this city, until they actually go out there to have a decent grope at the loins of our civilisation and realise that in doing so they contracted several diseases, until they actually delve into the depressive muck in this world= optimistic people like that aren't happy and full of joy and love, they're ignorant.
It is a blissful life, not knowing the truth... Maybe that's why people like that tend to except God. When big stupid rays of divine light are constantly radiating from your perfect repented soul, it's really hard to see behind the warm glowing glare on those awesome red-green frames.

But how can anyone change anything if they don't really know what they're changing? How can any of us, when all that we know is the information decided to be given to us, and the opinions or sides given to us... Everything we hear was chosen to be heard by a particular person, for a particular reason. Everything we see is just the same. How does the everyday man really see the truth for what it is unless they look at it with their own eyes? I'm so sick of mothers watching their 60 minutes on 'How video games made my son a criminal' and all of a sudden you have a parental lock on your foxtel for anything over PG and all your gore filled, machine gun firing games have dissapeared with not a nailboard weilding super mutant to be seen... It's all driven by fear these days...

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I suppose this is all based on me taking my mind off some inevitable truth that I'm too chicken to deal with yet... I suppose that's why I'm hating on hopefulls and optimistics: I can't be an optimistic person when the only crayons I have left are grey and darker grey.
I know it's ultimately better to look at things from the happier, positive perspective; but everytime I do I get the insane feeling that I'm lying to myself...

When someone fills your boost juice cup only 3/4 full, you think:

"That dickwad is stooging me out of $1.50 worth of my mango mantra!"

You never think "Wow, I have all that juice to drink".

You enjoy the drink and you are happy that you got it, you should be happy, you bought it. But when you pay your money for a product, you expect to get the whole product; and it's the same in life. No matter how good it tastes when you get the end product, you're secretly saying to yourself:

'It's good and I feel content but I got ripped off '

You pay the costs of living in a world surrounded by death, destruction, violence and crime; yet noone ever does anything about it. Where is the optimistic out look on that view?

"I'm surviving and noone punched me in the face today, but I got ripped off when I was sold the 'white mans dream'"

Where is the optimistic action around the real issues we need to deal with in our society? When some irate man throws his two pitbulls over a womans fence to attack and kill her dog whilst the man throws bricks over his fence into her yard in an attempt to hit her for no reason what-so-ever... What way other than taking forceful action do we have?
Talking nicely at people, avoiding the situation, turning the other cheek... I would much rather take the following action-
*get some evidence,
*call the cops on the asshole and
*have his two dogs killed. That gets you piece of mind, and you've done justice to the world you live in. Now there is no psycho in your street attacking you and your neighbours with crazy tormented dogs. Thats not the kind of thing you would normally hear about on the news everyday... Which brings me to a conclusion.

Taking action and solving problems has nothing to do with a mindset.

The way in which you approach the problem might, but ultimately we can see in our everyday suburban lives that sometimes in order to stop the problem- you have to punch it in the face. It doesn't matter if your pessimistically punching him in the face or optimistically doing so (if thats even possible). People who get things done aren't afraid to get their hands dirty.

So I say to you Oh Goody-two-shoes church goer: On friday night instead of going to youth or sitting at home studying, walk out into northbridge; find a fight and try to optimistically talk that guy out of bottling that other guy for staring at his drunk girlfriend. Or try to optimistically help that prostitute so she can stop pawning her dead mother's jewellry and selling herself the fuel her crack addiction...
At the end of the day- putting a 'nice nanna spin' on your words won't really change much... In saying that, not alot of whiny, despressive losers don't really change much either... Rather,

The people that put their own personal views on life aside to change that world, that is the kind of people we need making the changes... Those who fight instead of flight. Those who aren't afraid to see the truth with their own eyes and make an educated decision for themselves are the people that change things...

I haven't really had the opportunity to try this new outlook on the world around me, but perhaps that thing that I have been avoiding through writing this will be somewhat easier to think through now that I can have a new perspective.

See? Things are accomplished from innocent rambles!!
Ciao.

** I would also like to take a quick moment to say that I am not anti religious, nor anti christian. Infact I believe in the christian established God. I do not however care for his fan club, and believe that although some actions we take as an influencial society is good, however our constant baggering of non believers is NOT the way to go about creating empowerment through faith. Hard core christians never really seem to have the most realistic outlook on their lives or the lives of others, and so I dissociate from them. This blog is not taking a stab at Jesus, God or the holy trinity and what that trinity stands for... Just the other people who love him.

Gamer dreaming

Another crazy dream...
Much of it was forgotten by the time I woke up, but it became distinctively memorable when I walked into a kitchen-esque environment, only to find myself working with my older cousin, Adam, who I've not seen for a long time. I was remeniscing with him, laughing, organising some time in the future to catch up when this fat, brown haired woman comes into the room and starts shouting at everyone; so I assumed she was the boss.
She approachs my cousin and I, and asks him to open his bag. When he does, she discovers a container of steamed vegetables; carrots, peas, corn, etc...
She asks him to explain himself, and he tells her that he was simply going to take them home but replace them the next day because of a lack of shopping supplies in the house.
She proceeded to fire him.

I do not know what my dreams mean, or why encrypted mental projections chose to manifest themselves the way they do; but at this point the dream gets interesting.

My cousin (looking rather defeated) took his things and walked out of the kitchen. I was furious. I was mainly so angry because I had finally wound up working with someone I knew I could get along with, and now she had taken that away from me, but also because it was not only my own flesh and blood, but he hadn't done anything that bad to begin with... So, for reasons unknown to me, I picked up the white and red broom, started shouting insane, insulting rambles at her; and cracked her over the back with it.

And for what seemed like a really long time, I drove my fists into her face again and again and again... I ripped out her hair, clawed at her eyes and just; beat the fuck out of this fat, ugly woman... All because she fired my cousin? As it happened, as I was shouting and beating the woman, I was crying and laughing, like a crazy person.
Then I became aware that the cops were coming, so I ran. And as I ran, I realised that what I had done to that woman would land me in prison, or a fine; but I was pretty much fucked. So I just kept running and running and running, climbing buildings, and dodging in and out of the public eye. I remember getting onto a bus, and seeing the cop car with its sirens blazing go past me, wondering if they were looking for me or not. And I just kept on getting further and further into a suburban landscape that I had no memory of, until I thought I was out of there searching zone... Then a phone call at 4am woke me up.

Vampires, Zombies, Werewolves and police chases... Why do I constantly dream about violence and danger, my subconscious thoughts always seem so fucked up and odd. I don't understand why I have to run around so much in my head- when I wake up I feel more exhausted than I did when I went to sleep!
Maybe I do game too much.

A Huge Evergrowing Pulsating Brain that rules from the center of the Ultraworld

"Oh my gosh! The music just turns me on!"

The past days have been spent sitting beside my best friend of technology, pencil or pen in hand, creating piece after piece for my port folio. Listening to much earlier, experimental sounds; from dj's and artists in 1990's era. Alot of early Underworld, The Orb, the Grid, balancing that with awesome guitar works of zeppelin, the cure, Dire Straits, Joni Mitchell... Its been truly inspiring.

Well... What can I say of the days passed?> Life dreams are just withing my grasp; it's so close to the taking.. .And for the first time in what seems my whole life- I am working hard... Like really pushing myself for what I want. It's insane, I never realised I had a sense of drive like this.

So other than being suprised at myself, I have been slowly working myself back into the everyday norm of staying at home ... Always around the house, saving, saving, saving the pittance I make for a living so I can afford to cloth myself and no overstrain the boyfriend who has more emotional crap on his back than an emotional crap beetle...
But apparently boys don't cry. [insert catchy guitar riff here and enjoy with me]

So ask yourselves.. Am I being a better person by hanging inside like a shut in who burns easily? Or should I be out there spending my freedom partying like I used too?
A.K.A Im establishing my personal independence but in the same token, I don't want this much responsibility for myself... I'm looking at a hard road ahead of me, but I'm not backing down at all on this... I don't have any other choice but to try.
Why is it that I can't simply settle for settling? I feel barred, weighed down with no way of shedding the weight. Shed the weight-- loose everything I have been working so hard for...

Failure in a frightening thought. I cannot fail or I would have sacrificed so much to have gained so little. Slap Slap! Don't let myself doubt.

So yes my friends. This is why you don't see me smoking on street corners or stomping at bar open or sitting on a brick wall with stoners, ravers, rockers and drunks... Oh and hippies anymore... Because I got myself something that's worth sacrificing every spare second of every day for. And that is an exciting thought for me.

It makes me smile to see that there are still good and true feelings out there, and that I'm capable of feeling them. I'm glad I'm not all void of hope for me and my future, like so many people these days seem to have. I am not a lost cause.

Spread peace and mean it!