You'll be given love,
You'll be taken care of,
You'll be given love,
You have to trust it...

Maybe not from the sources,
You've poured yours into,
Maybe not,
From the directions,
You are staring at.

Twist your head around,
It's all around you,
All is full of love,
All around you...

All is full of love,
You just ain't receiving,
All is full of love,
Your phone is off the hook,
All is full of love,
Your doors are shut,
All is full of love...

Overreactions have even bigger reactions...
If I could go back and take back what time has stolen from me I could. If I go about this all in the right way, realise that broken hearts are more dire than my own selfish desires I would...
There is nothing more potent that the pain someone feels during unrequited love, especially when it's thrown back in there face. I snapped, I lost my own battle and for that- I am sorry.

Forgiveness is not easy, but I hope that in time you will realise that all is full of love, and that none of this was done to hurt you... Panic sprung urgently in a person will cause a panicked response, and much of what was said was said in efforts to keep you safe, to keep you alive. And I only would have hoped that if I was in your position you would have lied to me too if it meant doing what you thought was right to keep me out of pain in the long run.

Please don't hate me for leaving you... If I had of known that leaving you the way I did would mean I lost you forever, know that I would have done this different... And my intentions when I did leave you were never along the lines of abandoning you; but space is the thread and time is the needle that will mend your heart again... Suffocating you would only make things worse.

If we truly are soulmates, like you say we are... Then start believing in it. This isn't me saying I want you back to be like how we were before, but I want you back to start planning how we can be in the future. You're a good person Griffin, and I want us, WISH that we could be friends...

Spread peace. You may have locked all the doors, but I'll be standing by the window looking in... If you ever want to let me in... I'll be waiting.

Bizarro world and a bottle of rum.

Fight or be fought. Kill or be killed.

Why can't we all just get along? -- this is why we can't have nice things.

Stupid things are done and said but I won't be held hostage by stubborness. My decisions are mine and mine alone, so stop acting like I don't know what I'm doing; because I've been making mistakes for alot longer than people give me credit for-- I think by now I would know how to avoid making another one.
I tried to be considerate, I tried to be quiet but I'm sick and tired of walking on the egg shells laid out by other people. I don't want to be the filler if the void is souly yours, I don't want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine... Lend me some fucking fresh air.

So let's all explode! Venting is so much fun when noone has the balls to say what they really mean to eachother's faces, especially when venting involves someone elses face, infront of my face... But I'm happy and glad for frustrations to be frustrations and for anger to get out of hand; my whole life has been alot of that.

Stop playing god and trying to follow him at the same time. If you want me to start being my word then lead by example and show me what it's like to constantly live in the fear of holding back or regretting last thoughts; because we all know what it's like to not want to be human, and we all know what it's like to wish everyday to be an alien amongst these people; only to wake up every morning and see those pink, fleshy, homosapien hands.

You are human.
I am human.
He is human...

...So lets all accept the fact that humans fuck up sometimes...
Let's stick by whats always been said- that problems don't happen with drug people, drug people happen with problems...

Instead of trying so god damn hard to be right all the time maybe you should start trying to prove people wrong. If you want to love me so bad then start proving me wrong when I thought I couldn't be happy with you ever again...
Or you could keep being an asshole, afterall- it's easier to be pissed off at you this way. It's easy to not feel guilty about what I've done when you yourself are guiltless and self destructive.

Don't hang death on your conscience... Take some time to grow and expand outwards, not shrink into the cool minty freshness of a dropper bottle and some amphetamine...
Actually spread the fucking peace, because we all know that I'm way too selfish and childish to do so...

aum mani padme ommo emdap inam mua ... Fucking bizzaro world.

Live long and prosper

Overrated children. It’s all just a game to them, it’s all about the way the journey feels rather than what the journey represents, what it contributes to them, to society. Emotions slip through sieves of repression, get mixed with gruel and salt and thrown back in my mouth... No wonder I don’t understand why they taste differently, or why my eyes burn. I have never felt fear grip me so strongly in my entire life.

Deprived of so much life it all seemed, as the cold forest surrounding grew into the warm light of day. Things began to warp and distort, people’s faces became beautiful to ugly, ugly to drunk. Stupid things were done. Slowly falling into the blackness that was consuming eyes, deciphering the ramblings of a man who would cut half the important words and letters out of sentences, forgetting thoughts before even speaking them... That was not comfortably numb. I was not comfortable.

Complete loss of all sense of control, slipping hands, slipping mind... What was I to do with this confused shell? I myself was barely holding it together... Haunting scenes of Fear and Loathing streamed through my mind as I saw his mental state worsen and worsen. It wasn’t going to be good. Accidental death is not a very nice girl, and I could see him dying, I could see me dying.

Keep it together, breathe in, breathe out. Reassure, reassure. Talk it all out... Nothing is going wrong, everything is fine. Was it all fine? Lying there, breathing heavy... I didn’t want to feel or understand, but what else was I to do?
I walked out into the cold, no shoes. This was going to be either easy or hard.
Tears pushed back with anger and prayer... Walking, talking, rambling nothings to myself, destination comfort zone... I just needed to see his face again, but the walk from first objective to the next would be long, would be hard. Walking, still talking; at first on the phone so that none who saw me would question my actions... Rambling now, without the phone, growing more paranoid at the cars parked in drive ways, on roads... Were there faces inside staring at me?
“Go away angry pillow men, I’m not scared”...

Coming to grips with what had just happened, whether I could have died, whether he could have died; a more common yet less tragic ‘Romeo and Juliet’, none of it made any sense to me. Cold feet... Walking over broken glass; was I bleeding? I felt a certain karmic payback if they were so I was determined to do nothing.
Singing old songs of lost feelings to pass the time, an hour becoming the longest hour of my life. People, looking so strange, coming at me from all sides.
I held my shit together- if I didn’t, things could have gone alot worse than they did. I got home and had 5 minutes to tell him everything before we would have more company... I wanted to cry, to roll up into a ball and be rocked to sleep, to be the one that needed comforting; like he does so well... I’m glad I could be strong enough to remain in a state where I wasn’t afraid anymore.

Friendship was realised this weekend; although I also realised that sometimes friends need to encourage sensibility more than a good time...
Dont dose to high when the supply is new. Sleep. Eat well...
Remember: No one expects for it to be too much... People don’t intend on flipping out.

Live long and prosper, and put our minds at ease.

pop culture or pop doldrums?

I remember when the only way you could be cool, was if you watched those shows and wore that brand and listened to that artist...

The top 40 hits were plastered over your walls in cheap Dolly magazine posters, and you thought you were the most popular girl in school if all the boys asked you to 'slow dance' at the Disco...



Then in high school, it became something else. You were popular if you were on the volleyball team and sat with the beautiful people, and got drunk every weekend at exclusive popular people parties... You now read Cosmopolitan and Vogue, and instead of playing with eachothers hair and doing nails you now glam yourselves up and take facebook and myspace photos together, in some girls bathroom, with all the right angles...



I spent much of my life observing these people, this strange, obscure breed of children who intended on ruling the world with 'good intentions'... Those girls that oozed a reality that I never knew... Something I noticed, now that I'm no longer forced to spend my days with people who never liked me nor respected me, this weird vice these people had on us as a whole, is gone.



Now you're cool if you're vintage and retrospective, if you listen to that hell exclusive underground semi grunge semi laid back acoustic band 'Something without a name' full of guys that are gay and hairy and wear thick rimmed glasses; or that 80's pop rock group with a antiestablishment vibe 'Never love lucy' and you wear a french hat and drink skinny machiato's in internet cafe's. It's now about the people who didn't matter in highschool. It's now those little, quiet people that only ever spoke loudly when the debate of dota or counterstrike came into play that really benefit from these years to come.



As soon as we walked out into the real world, we found that the ones in university and the ones at tafe that are in the same classes as us are not only intelligent, but have respect for the subtle differences in who we are as beings... It's not about being a generic fuckwit anymore, it's about 'Hey you can fire-twirl? thats fucking awesome' 'Hey you design your own drugs? Fucken aye buddeh'...



Noone wants to be the same anymore, because the reality of being the same is admitting you were just as fucking horrid and stagnant as all those pricks you wanted to shank in highschool. It means you're just like everyone you always hated, and will die like everyone you always hated. It's accepting defeat.



I am different, Im fucked, im warped and tapped and stupidly intelligent... And i wouldn't change a single decision I made in my entire life because it would risk me not being who I am today. All the qualities that I was once resented for, are now adored. It's not the things that are the same within me that grab everyone's attention... It's those special things that you just dont see now days.



So a message to the kids, don't be popular in highschool... Be remembered. Be different.

mornings of perfect weather

Such a glorious morning, but so much the same. I woke up in a boys bed, much to small for us both yet suprisingly comfortable, feeling warm breath on my neck and clammy hands around my waist. 'Good morning' I heard him say...

I have spend many mornings just like this one, many mornings next to someone, many mornings of turning to face an eager smile, to be greeted with a tender kiss. So why was this morning special?
This was like no other morning because for the first time, I was openly careless. I had not a single trouble in the entire universe this morning... For as his eyes opened, the sun rose; because when he looks at me, it's like all the light energies of the world are circling eachother in a pool of lime green, splashed with a hint of yellow, lighting the very room in which we sit, lighting my very life. I woke up to find myself lost in the beauty of the human form.

My life with this person is a new haze of an old friendship, simple understandings, simple equality. It's about the laughter, the kisses, the touch. And all the while, what we do we do because we know it can't be done with any other. It fits so much better this way, the way it all panned out, and that's why we do it... In this house, the flow is followed; and I'm happily a follower.

It's funny, how things can flip on someone faster than they know it. My life it seems, has gotten very, very good by making very risky decisions, and I think that it's all slowly but surely, paying off. I am complete, I am one, and for once things aren't too intense for me. For one things run smoothly.
Hard decisions have to be made sometimes when people want to reap positive benefits. And although it pains me to know that others are now hurting, hurting because it's my fault, I know like many other people know that unrequited love is a love that doesn't last forever. That grudges and old tears in young hearts do truly heal over time. It will turn a new page, bring hope to the rising of the new dawn... Tomorrow and today, never about yesterday.

It's because I know this rule of the heart that I do not allow myself to dwell and brood on the things that would once have me fuming with stress and rage... I'm going to enjoy my new life to the best of my ability, and use my past as experience to help guide me...

It's nice to know that when I did choose to climb back up the mountain, I was greeted by someone not at the top, but half way... And it seems we have been there every step of the way for eachother, and that because of this union, we didn't fail... And now a different kind of future holds sway.

I would give anything to inject some antivenom into this bite, so that the sting and swelling may disapear, but alas, there is no antidote for a broken heart... All I can do is be honest, and kind, and let things heal in the old fashion way.
My heart is like a jigsaw puzzle... It was broken by a young fool many years ago, and I have been trying to put it all back together for quite sometime... I feel like I have finally found the person that has been holding the missing piece all this time, right under my nose. I feel it beating like a jungle drum, doong a doong doong a rooka dooka doong doong... drums in the deep.

I know I can feel love again, because I have a reason to go to bed at night, and wake up in the morning... It's the hope of seeing him again.

gaining a heart means loosing the value of time... hours only mean soemthing if its worth counting them down till I can see him next. Im suprised at how hard Im crushing on this kid.

I want to be apart of it... His life.

The bitter End

This is not the end. I have forseen this day coming, in my heart, in my head, my stomach... As it hurls and looses balance, and the walls shrink around me...

Fear not my friends, for I am coming back; back to the real world, back to where this all began to start everything all over again.



This time I have learned so much, and grown faster than I have in my entire life before this. I am not the old me anymore, I have seen, heard, spoke to things more powerful than space or time in this dimension. Purpose, fills my days again.



It was not that I didn't enjoy the months past, or thought that many more could have been spent in content happiness... It was that it was simply the time for me to make what little I could of days past, and with a strong, deep breath, plummet over the edge, just to see if I would die.



And at that point, I'm not sure I cared whether I died or not, but just wanted to feel something, anything... to know that I haven't wasted away to noone, a shadow of a name that I'll wear in contempt with these people. But die, I did not. And now I climb to the top again, hand over hand, foot over foot up the mystic mountain... And when I reach the top, a man will be standing there, waiting to take my grubby little hand and pull me to safety... Or, I'll be met with lonliness, and there I shall sit and wait until someone does, finally, find me hovering there.



Rejoice; those of you that feel the bitter sweet pain of departure, feel the sarcasm crawling up your nostrils and the hairs of resentment stand up on the back of your neck... It's all a lesson, it's all apart of gods divine plan.