Wolves in the snow

Here is a collection of my thoughts and scribblings over the past few months, compiled here for your amusement. They are indeed quite scrambled... And although it has been almost excruciatingly painful to write them down; I felt that it was a good idea, simply because of one idea I was musing on earlier this morning in bed...

We all claim to be ourselves, but have you ever noticed that everyone overthinks what they say before they say it? It's always a calculated response, in microseconds the pros and cons are weighed and we say what we think will make us look the most appealing to our company... Is this truly us? IS this truly who we are?

So I took these diary entires and chose to share them with the masses... They were only ever intended for me to see, so thus I'm hoping that by reading them it will give you better insight to how I think when I'm thinking by myself, for myself.

It's also from a very scattered time of my life, so I find the mood swings and constant paranoia quite entertaining.

Wolves in the Snow.
It takes us all in, love.
It's something that embraces everyone at one time or another.
The real problem stems from not knowing when it's real, or forced. What happens when people tell you it's not real?

What if they force it and you don't?
What if they don't even force it...
Unrequited sucks.
Words seem thin, useless. I want to break free from the hold my tongue seems to have on me.
All I can think about is where I want to be, but I can't even see where I am right now...
...Turmoil and dirt...

Don't hate me, high pitched melancholy...
I'd rather know agony than ignorance.
Is this truly bliss?

I have no idea how to differentiate anymore. It's not fair.
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Young love
08.05.09
Was it really only two days ago?? Nothing has changed, if anything it all got more and more awesome, but suprisingly not worse. Time alone... Just you and me is like, butter and honey... a whole spoon of it.
I don't want to scare you away, if all this is really going ahead, and you like me how you say you do well then- I hope I am enough for you because you don't deserve all of the crap that comes with this emotional mess.

It's all too thin, the ice over the death beneath. Cutting corners in time, waiting for noone. That's how my problems start. I like my drugs lots and I like Ben lots and I really do want him for always, but it seems whenever I add drugs to my emotional blabberings I tend to screw it all up.
How can I be sure I'm being genuine when I'm being high?

I want Ben today... But how can I be sure I'll want Ben tomorrow? My decision making of late has been hardly responsible.
The harsh thing to do, would it be to try and stop the rollercoaster or to just go with the flow and enjoy the death for the heck of it?

I see his logic, and Ben loves me for who I am, has never made me feel like a mistake. We are friends, then lovers... And I like that. Ben is the kind of person who is always going to be there, he's the kind of person who you can breathe around.
It's in the way his eyes sparkle... It's in the way he smiles. It;s this strange desire to always see him smiling, laughing, to protect him against all evil.

I feel like he deserves the best... And If I'm the one that can provide the best then I'll try my hardest to do so, and make sure, damn sure that I am the one best suited for this position.

I.do.not.want.to.hurt.him...
I must be sure.

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Desperation
20.5.09
Everything has its way of panning out in the end. Things have been done, things have been said- but all from a place of love.
Love... Do I use that word too much now days? I think people underestimate my ability to feel love at its strongest- only others like me could truly understand where I am coming from at this point.

Griffin certainly doesn't It seems like all that I felt, all that I know has been ripped from me is so far away now. And although it may be smarter or less painful to blame myself- I'm sick and tired of doing so- especially when I can't control the way I feel, and he is doing everything within his power to fuck it all up for himself, myself, bens self...
Acts of desperation are so fucking desperate...
What can I do for him when he won't do anything for himself?

Memories of an acid head. This is messed up, all kinds of ways... I'm finding it hard to stand the sight of all this anymore. All progress is null and void now, why can't he just be happy? Why can't he be productive? I have tried so hard to help him through all these new transitions but alas-- he rejects my friendship.

I try and try but all I do is fail.

I say that I'm a godly person when I act ungodly... The longer I live this way the greater the chances are that evil will come into my heart and take hold of the people and things I hold dear and close.
I cant let it come to that. I cant let this evil spread to my life, my new life with Ben. Whether it be through my own actions or through things I can't control I will use my own strength to protect Bens heart. I will use karasthena to hold him, to push this darkness back and away and out of our life.

Nothing will eat my soul, not if the strength of god is truly on my side... Perhaps if I visit a church or something sometime soon? I need a place to purge my heart and soul. Perhaps a rebirth is at stake.

The search for a better life is now eminent. It's about time I grew up and started acting like an adult...
I want the lie I have always wanted- only now it rests at my fingertips, rather than a world away.
Get a job, finish my studies, enroll into a college of Natural Medicine and get my licence, get out of debt! It's all apart of building a life...

A life that I want with Ben.
Only with Ben.

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less of Worth or worthlessness?
26.05.09
It's all for him... My education, my job, my time... None of that seems important anymore, not in the shiny glow of what he means to me.

It's carbonated and clean, it's dear to me. It was said last night, and as much as it warmed me it almost came with a dreaded sound.
"I would be happy spending the rest of my life with you"
And thats a kind of verbal commitment I hope would hold off for a while. It's not that I don't want him to feel that way, but I simply don't believe that who I am at this very second deserves to have him forever... I'm not good enough.

I dont want to be the girl who says everything special really quickly into the relationship and then runs out of shit to feel later on. I dont want us to fizzle out. But why would we fizzle? Whats gone wrong? Nothing... Ben is perfect!!
If anything I think I'm feeling this way because I know he's falling for me and I know that I have hurt people in the past... I dont want to hurt him. Ever.

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PSYCHONAUTS AND PSYENTISTS
Its not what you say, what you do that defines you as a person; it's where you do and say them. I often find its not really about the subject matter but the LOCATION and the TIMING in which it's done that gives the impact. If the success of a good trip is brought down to the setting and the people you're with- shouldn't that same corrolation be made with the human psyche? Psychonauts and psyentists... It's all factual, evidentary bullshit.

Belief in anything- it's only a problem if it's driving a person to do bad things; and how all of a sudden- some puncy little prick can sit all mighty in his chair and say 'You are not of god- you can't be spiritual and godly at the same time, that's hypocritical' when they themselves profess and deny their own piss weak faith time and time again as a last chance card to draw when they try to cling to our love...

Well fuck you children! I know who I am, and just because I'm finally getting somewhere without any of you doesn't mean it has to be ripped down.
Stop delving- I come at face value when it comes to my faith.

Open your eyes, understand that what you feel when on acid- I feel all the time, I feel when I'm sober. You would say to me that I'm pathetic, but would you say that to a Buddhist monk? To the dahli lama?
I would like to hope not.
IF our gods are so impotent and make believe, then where did these great, wise beings get their wisdom?
Respect the ways of the old times, you self induldgent, modernistic fuckwits.

I am a traditionalist. I like keeping the old ways alive, and one of those ways is belief; which is hard to keep strong and easy to loose, but perfection can be obtained through these methods, and I intend on at least trying.

So keep your physics and your allopathic ways, and I'll continue to worship that which holds true to me when I'm sober, and find strength within something that I feel in every cell of my being, to call upon when all else seems to fail. I'll keep that which comes from the Earth.

you like to preach peace; but how can a scientist obtain inner peace and love when they believe in nothing?

to answer your question, my psychonaut helmet says on it 'You all suck, go home to your mothers you naughty children'.
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Blindsided- Bon Iver

Back down... down to the downtown
Down to the lockdown...
boards, nails lye around

I crouch like a crow
Contrasting the snow
For the agony, I'd rather know

'Cause blinded I am
blindsided

Peek in... into the peer in
I'm not really like this...
I'm probably plightlessI cup the window

I'm crippled and slow
For the agonyI'd rather know

'Cause blinded I am
blindsided
Would you really rush out for me now?

Taught line... down to trhe shoreline
The end of a blood line...
the moon is a cold light
There's a pull to the flow
My feet melt the snow
For the irony, i'd rather know

'Cause blinded I was blindsided

All you maggots smoking fags out there on sunset blvd

Everyone it seems is surrounded by debt, drugs and ill will for someone smaller than them... So why don't we all take out our nine irons and have ourselves a fisty cuffs???.

make it hurt so bad that you become completely numbed to all pain.
Hurt everyone so bad that they can't be fucked paying attention anymore.
It's all about the master plan, playing up in the big leagues when the big leagues are nothing more than a high way to self destruction and sodomistic violence...

But hey... It's living the high life.

Most people are really living the low life.

The rat who bites

This is the secret that has been kept from all of us... This is the root of the root and the heart and heart and the bud of the bud in this world...
This is what they never bother to tell you in school, or write in text books... Well they never told me, anyways...

"You don't always have to speak your mind"

I have taken it on myself to simply, let things slide. That my emotional state may not be necessarily the greatest emotional truth to myself. That perhaps irrationality comes with over exaggeration, so why indulge within it?
The bible, as irrelevant as it is to some concluded that the hardest thing to control in the name of God was the tongue, if not applied to God, but to life: Is this not a valid truth?

I have both served and received many slings and arrows of fellow men and women within weeks past, and rageful vengeance was all that called to me...
Like that cold, unwelcome sense of disappointment that flakes up into your stomach...

When your cat drags a rat into the house, only for you to discover it's still breathing, those deep, black eyes staring up at you in fear and desperation... You pick it up to save it from the grasp of your hungry little kitty, only for it to bite...
Sometimes; it seems, people tend to lash out at you when they themselves are consumed by fear, or hurt, or anguish... That friend and foe look so alike when you're blinded by your own self loathing and tears...
That many times you will try to help a friend, only to thus yourself be bitten by their wrath...

But with this understanding- taking the personal out of the situation, and putting the rational back in- we begin to understand that it isn't in fact an act specifically done to hurt you- but to hurt the only one they can try to blame at that point. So why overreact? So why get mad at the angry rat for biting when all he knows is it bite?

I submit to you a task to perform... Don't get mad... Don't get even. Just, let it go... Next time you get a dirty look from someone as you walk down the street or someone spills their drink on you; next time someone throws a heartfelt apology back in your face and then insults you-
Don't get mad or even... Just smile and know that it's only you that has the power to change your day; not anybody else... And know this without blame, or grudge or trial.
The other person acts out of irrationality, and poor judgement. You cannot blame a persons actions on anything but themselves but when they themselves are in terrible shape, things should be let go, forgotten and forgiven.

I found it so hard in the past to do this... But finally, I understand. A grudge only punishes the one who keeps it, and reaction only promotes another action and another reaction and so on it goes... Break the infinite loop that plagues us as morons.
Dare to hold your tongue.


HOWEVER:
The man who backbites an absent friend, nay, who does not stand up for him when another blames him, the man who angles for bursts of laughter and for the repute of a wit, who can invent what he never saw, who cannot keep a secret - that man is black at heart: mark and avoid him.

don't allow a bad friend, to be excused from their actions. Don't ask for more conflict, but know when it is you who is being taken advantage of.