I fall asleep one night and find myself walking through a disconnected part of the city, with my girlfriend Imogen. We walk into a clothing store, and try on some stuff, talking away to the shop keeper... Once we have a full new outfit on, we both bolt out the door.
Sprinting down the street with the shop keeper lady after us, we hear cop sirens and turn into an alley way...
Suddenly we're cut off on both sides, and police begin to aprehend us. I start admitting that it was stupid and we were just trying to be rebels, that we understand what we have done is wrong. Imogen starts screaming at me to shut up, and that she didn't know me, that I wasn't her friend.
The police officer that is trying to handcuff me turns me around, and grabs at my ass. I spin around and start swearing at the officer, who is smiling at me. I tell him I am going to report him, that I have Imogen as my witness. He lightly smacks me across the face, telling me 'what are you going to do about it!? I'm a cop'. Imogen tells me that shit like this happens all the time, that this is what it's like when you 'live on the streets'. I look at Imogen and it's no longer her, just some ugly fat looking blonde chick that I had never met before. I immediately don't like her, noticing her mini skirt and fat wobble of stomach hanging out the front...
The police officer proposes that he'll let me go if I don't say anything about the assault. I get let go with every intention of telling higher authorities but I can't seem to remember their names. I walk through a gate, and I'm no longer in the city but I'm on my old highschool oval...
A teacher is patrolling the oval because it's lunchtime, and it's covered in students from my year. This is when I realised that I'm now naked; and only have the hand full of clothes I originally started out with in my hand. So I ask the teacher if I can stand behind him while I redress myself, he goes red in the face and starts sweating as I walk behind him. People notice me, but noone makes me feel embarrased, infact they all seem to be checking me out...
This is where my mum wakes me up...
My dreams are fucking strange, I wonder where this shit comes from...
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
On a very merry Sunday, Angela took some acid.
At approximately 10 pm in the evening, I dropped 3 cubes for the first time in my life...
Although I had trouble getting around the overpowering grittyness and sweet of sugar, I got through them and kept them down.
Within 15 minutes my stomach had turned into glowing warmth and my body began to shake. Cigarette consumed after cigarette I became overwhelmed with dizzyness. My breathing turned shallow and I had to sit down.
My boyfriend and I (who was also on 3 cubes) sat down on the couch and turned up the T.V...
This is where things started to get strangely out of control.
We were watching some random show I had seen a few times before, called 'Bones'. It was halfway through but the gist was that someone had staged a murder in a woods and blamed it on the 'angry witch ghost' who haunted the woods... It actually turned out to be the deceased mans brother... The team of investigative scientists examined the victims bones to determine the way he died and discovered enough clues to pin point location of death and eventually who did it.
Through the incredibly corny acting and the bad plot; We soon found ourselves in hysterics.
Why was everything so funny? My breathing was shallow and I had the vertigo feeling flowing through my body when my shoulders and legs were struck with terrible cramps, though that didn't stop myself from roaring with hilarity at everything I saw... I was having an awesome time already. Then we watched a show called Las Vegas which was even more hilarious than the next...
Corny and weird looking characters filled every second of the show, and after crying off all my makeup and giving myself a stitch, I felt the sudden urge to go to the toilet, incase I threw up (not something I wanted to do infront of my boyfriend).
This is where it hit me. I sat down in the room; where I can usually gage how high I am through how the patterns and colours bounce off the walls. The toilet floor mat began to crawl along the floor, tiny yellow fuzzy caterpillars dislodged and started up the walls. I grabbed for the paper but it seemed so far away from my hands, I couldn't seem to get it. And at that moment, when I looked back up to the ceiling, I became aware of what had taken over my eyes.
Swirling liquid fractals began to dance infront of my eyes, still leaking tears from all my laughing earlier. Beauty overcame me. I was in complete surrender to the dancing rainbows that distorted my vision to the point where I could no longer see where I was... I couldn't see my hands behind the gold and silver sheets of snow flake-like borders on liquid.
Emerging from the toilet; I danced to my boyfriend, who sat on the couch glowing.
"I have never seen so much beauty!" I remember saying with a laugh. "Everything is so beautiful" he smiled at me.
We went outside, and for the first time being on acid, there was no music playing. There was only the gentle rustling of the wind through the trees; the roaring rattle of trains... It soon went from familiar sounds to alien like omnious ringing and roaring, like great eerie dinosaurs waited beyond the fences of his back yard. All the plants turned into weird structures of green goo, like radioactive plants of another place... I was being overcome with an insane sense of peace.
We went into the bedroom and laid on the bed, and my laughing continued for what seemed like many hours. We laid in the darkness, which wasn't darkness but green and purple crystal like etherial cities that hovered above my face like a summoning necropolis...
Thousands of thoughts, epiphonies flooded my mind, witty sentences, ideas, threads of words that made no sense but perfect sense.
I was realising and forgetting at the same time, all secrets of the world, of the gods... I forgot how to speak English. Wanted to document my profound sense of divinity, I started scrawling half sentences onto paper, only to forget what I was writing half way through...
I remember saying 'I feel like Buddha!!' and something about an intergalactic, cybornetic matrix whale...
I was overwhelmed with all the joy I had ever felt in my life, and the intense colour sheet over my eyes began to dissipate, so did my uncontrollable laughter. There was no tension, there was no paranoia...
I now understand why people take LSD for god like encounters with themselves and the people around them. I now understand why people take such large amounts of acid; but I still don't think it should be okay to abuse the drug. I came to the conclusion that taking a heavy dose a few times a year compared to taking a little every couple of weeks is a much better option... That and only having like 2 cigarettes the whole evening made smoking cones the next day alot easier on my lungs... It was the first time in a long time that I didn't smoke pot during the peek of my trip either, and the feeling was very cleansing to my body.
The next day I tried to reread the things I wrote down, not much of it made any sense and my handwriting was incredibly difficult to read due to the urgency of loosing my thoughts.
Life is glorious, and for the first time in a long time, my acid was clean and strong and pure... I can't wait to save up for another experience like that. It drew me closer and made me feel more connected with the love of my life; and past tensions melted away into sweet euphoric pleasure...
The greatest part of all is it was just me and him, and the comfortableness I felt during that was such a blissful feeling indeed.
Having so much fun.
Although I had trouble getting around the overpowering grittyness and sweet of sugar, I got through them and kept them down.
Within 15 minutes my stomach had turned into glowing warmth and my body began to shake. Cigarette consumed after cigarette I became overwhelmed with dizzyness. My breathing turned shallow and I had to sit down.
My boyfriend and I (who was also on 3 cubes) sat down on the couch and turned up the T.V...
This is where things started to get strangely out of control.
We were watching some random show I had seen a few times before, called 'Bones'. It was halfway through but the gist was that someone had staged a murder in a woods and blamed it on the 'angry witch ghost' who haunted the woods... It actually turned out to be the deceased mans brother... The team of investigative scientists examined the victims bones to determine the way he died and discovered enough clues to pin point location of death and eventually who did it.
Through the incredibly corny acting and the bad plot; We soon found ourselves in hysterics.
Why was everything so funny? My breathing was shallow and I had the vertigo feeling flowing through my body when my shoulders and legs were struck with terrible cramps, though that didn't stop myself from roaring with hilarity at everything I saw... I was having an awesome time already. Then we watched a show called Las Vegas which was even more hilarious than the next...
Corny and weird looking characters filled every second of the show, and after crying off all my makeup and giving myself a stitch, I felt the sudden urge to go to the toilet, incase I threw up (not something I wanted to do infront of my boyfriend).
This is where it hit me. I sat down in the room; where I can usually gage how high I am through how the patterns and colours bounce off the walls. The toilet floor mat began to crawl along the floor, tiny yellow fuzzy caterpillars dislodged and started up the walls. I grabbed for the paper but it seemed so far away from my hands, I couldn't seem to get it. And at that moment, when I looked back up to the ceiling, I became aware of what had taken over my eyes.
Swirling liquid fractals began to dance infront of my eyes, still leaking tears from all my laughing earlier. Beauty overcame me. I was in complete surrender to the dancing rainbows that distorted my vision to the point where I could no longer see where I was... I couldn't see my hands behind the gold and silver sheets of snow flake-like borders on liquid.
Emerging from the toilet; I danced to my boyfriend, who sat on the couch glowing.
"I have never seen so much beauty!" I remember saying with a laugh. "Everything is so beautiful" he smiled at me.
We went outside, and for the first time being on acid, there was no music playing. There was only the gentle rustling of the wind through the trees; the roaring rattle of trains... It soon went from familiar sounds to alien like omnious ringing and roaring, like great eerie dinosaurs waited beyond the fences of his back yard. All the plants turned into weird structures of green goo, like radioactive plants of another place... I was being overcome with an insane sense of peace.
We went into the bedroom and laid on the bed, and my laughing continued for what seemed like many hours. We laid in the darkness, which wasn't darkness but green and purple crystal like etherial cities that hovered above my face like a summoning necropolis...
Thousands of thoughts, epiphonies flooded my mind, witty sentences, ideas, threads of words that made no sense but perfect sense.
I was realising and forgetting at the same time, all secrets of the world, of the gods... I forgot how to speak English. Wanted to document my profound sense of divinity, I started scrawling half sentences onto paper, only to forget what I was writing half way through...
I remember saying 'I feel like Buddha!!' and something about an intergalactic, cybornetic matrix whale...
I was overwhelmed with all the joy I had ever felt in my life, and the intense colour sheet over my eyes began to dissipate, so did my uncontrollable laughter. There was no tension, there was no paranoia...
I now understand why people take LSD for god like encounters with themselves and the people around them. I now understand why people take such large amounts of acid; but I still don't think it should be okay to abuse the drug. I came to the conclusion that taking a heavy dose a few times a year compared to taking a little every couple of weeks is a much better option... That and only having like 2 cigarettes the whole evening made smoking cones the next day alot easier on my lungs... It was the first time in a long time that I didn't smoke pot during the peek of my trip either, and the feeling was very cleansing to my body.
The next day I tried to reread the things I wrote down, not much of it made any sense and my handwriting was incredibly difficult to read due to the urgency of loosing my thoughts.
Life is glorious, and for the first time in a long time, my acid was clean and strong and pure... I can't wait to save up for another experience like that. It drew me closer and made me feel more connected with the love of my life; and past tensions melted away into sweet euphoric pleasure...
The greatest part of all is it was just me and him, and the comfortableness I felt during that was such a blissful feeling indeed.
Having so much fun.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Oh, giggamegaterrabitter world- consume my emotional fiction
I've got these plans that are going to make me survive, but lately I can't even find my important side; just excuses and lies. Am I really as strange and off centre as everyone claims me to be?
I have been finding such odd contradictions with things of late, like my life is one big show- everyone looking in and shifting the truth, like puzzle pieces all trying to fit together, even when they don't. Is that fair? That my life is being chopped and changed by these strange clowns, each and everyone of them in their fat suits, their fake smiles... their ugly hair... Why should it be me that entertains their thoughts?
It seems as if my life is being not only the vessel in which people entertain their ideas, but almost as if my whole life for those moments is altered because of these thoughts, that my reality and how I thus percieve my reality is being altered by those thoughts, therefore-- if the people generating the thoughts are complete fuck wits- then I am a slave to my fuck witted reality and those that create it?
How will I ever know freedom?
This is either making sense, or it is not... If it is not then you will proceed to believe that I am crazy, or maybe slightly disturbed... Thus perhaps you will disregard all that you read here. I say no. I am not crazy. In fact, I challenge you to apply this mental ramble to your own life; to find the idiots that control your thoughts... Even I will admit that line sounds crazy.
However, in all seriousness (and it must be in all seriousness because I am running low on time) lets entertain the notion that there are people in your life that can read you like a book. That can play you; pull your strings and make you dance around the promenade for all their dim witted friends to point and laugh... How many have felt the sting of unrequited love and affection? For that one person you would do anything for? How many people allow their emotional attachment get in the way of the royal and painful truth? Do things they know in their heart is wrong for a person that ultimately does not care?
Have you not ever found yourself so consumed by a person, your whole world utterly immerged into there's- only to a few months, years later look back on that time and think 'What did I see in them?'. Once you don't value them anymore, you deject their ideals and beliefs that you so once cherished...
Like a great veil pulled over your eyes- where you stumble across your past memories and see a graveyard of lost potential and time, rather than happy memories and 'good old us'...
The people that we surround ourselves with ultimately effect who and how we will become that which is to be becometh of ourselves... I know this, yet I can never truly see who is who until it's too late- until the damage is done and I'm more lost and confused than I was when I sought refuge in their warm, glowing empty scrotum sack of a life... Is my issue trust? Is it ignorance?
Am I trusting the wrong people? Am I letting my pathetic attachment for the human race blind me to these truths? What am I trying to prove by all this thought? What am I trying to say by posting this on the internet?
Too much thought is placed in everything... Yes, it is thought, our conscience, psyche that divides us and the rest of the 'lower' carbon life forms... But how much do people over think these days?
I'm probably over thinking right now...
Or am I reaching out of the box and messing with how perfectly still everything seems right now just to see what will happen?
I think that (in all brutal honesty) that deep underneath this trained, polite, sweet young girl who enjoys things like getting stoned and eating cookies with milk= I am an anarchist.
I feel like I'm waking up out of a coma. That the past year I have been living the life that everyone else told me to live. Try this, take this, dance to this, appreciate this... Maybe the promise of real friends was enticing enough to drag me in... But not anymore.
I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I'm simply confusing myself for the heck of it... Everything is too perfect now, I can't handle being happy in my life so I have to mess it up by being uncertain about what I want for my future. The end of the year is coming and decisions have to be made... I don't want to be a Naturopath... I want to be a tattoo artist. But no, it's not the safe option, I wasn't good enough to be a tattoo artist, that's what I kept telling myself.
But I am good enough! And I don't think settling for my second dream, the dream that I gave myself so that down the line I could say to the world 'Fuck you, I did it on my own anyway!' is kinda big considering if I make a mistake it will cost me $45'000 dollars...
I'm sick of 'people-pleasing' my way through life. I'm sick of smoking, I'm sick of the acid, the pills, the parties where I stop half way through and have the dawning of a life time 'What the fuck am I doing here?'
Well? What the fuck AM I doing here? What do I see myself doing in the next 20 years? I thought by the time I was 28 I wanted to be married or at least in a stable relationship, hopefully with a house of my own, slowly on the way to children with a degree under my belt and my own business set up and going quite nicely.
HOW BORING. HOW SAFE AND STUPID AND BOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG.
I dont want that!
I want to be half way around the world, staying at some little beach resort, with palm trees and coconuts freshly falling to the ground. Where the only music that's made is the music played by the instruments we have with us and the only food we can get is that which we cook ourselves. I want to have a house with no walls, a bong made of bamboo and fire dances on full moons. I want to have a box of paints and pencils and special things that I take with me everywhere, and I take photos of all the new and exciting places I go. I want to speak fluent japanese and live about half hours drive from Harajuku, in some small town with no internet access... Or some pokey little apartment in a sea of apartments just like that, with the smell of smoke and ramen in the air, with a bedroom full of stupid japo-asian crap... I want my phone to have one of those dangly bell thingies, those things that every asian girl seems to have on anything and everything they can attach one too... Where I spend my days either working in a tatoo studio show casing my artistic talents or working at home from a laptop- slowly but surely writing the autobiography of my life, documenting my encounters with REAL people, not just people who believe they're outrospective because they do acid every weekend or sit around in a house pilling to the sound of oblivion.
I want to live a LIFE... One that I ACTUALLY want rather than one that is just as pleasing but much easier to obtain.
I'm sick of the people in my life that mean something to me now holding me in a dream world that will have me stay within that world because of my fears that they may not exist in the one that I create for myself. And in all this winding, long winded way of saying 'I'm afraid to follow my dreams because it may force me to abandon the ones that I love, that I'm afraid to abandon this lifestyle that I'm beginning to resent with every ounce of my being because I'm afraid that I'll loose the ones that I love' = I have also thus come to that realisation myself.
Perhaps this is the way in which I cut free from those strings, perhaps this is the catalyst piece of the puzzle that makes all those other stupid pieces make sense. I just wish that the things of my future didn't seem so far away and that the things of my past didn't still hold so much emotional control over me. I wish I didn't still see his face in everything and pretend not too.
I wish I didn't lie to myself, that my present was just a little bit EXCITING for once so that I might be able to forget about what everything ISNT right now...
I wish I wasn't so god damn crazy... I wish none of this made any sense to you, if you even exist... Why do I believe that anyone will ever find this? Read this? Understand this to a degree to which it changes their lives forever? I wish it meant something... As much as it means to me...
But it won't. And no body will read it. And even on this vast, interconnected, ever important giggamegaterrabitter world that zooms back and forth every second of every day for the rest of my life until something better or bigger or more important comes along that will wipe out this old and futile model-- I am just misunderstood, and pathetically silent and small in the grand scheme of things.
That THIS my non existent friend is what I have now invented as silent SHOUTING... It doesn't matter how hard I cry- everything in my miserable, pent up and inexpressive life will ultimately remain the same... No one hears it. No one takes it in. No one learns a thing and my dawning of a lifetime is wasted away to the emotional ramblings of a teenage idiot.
I have been finding such odd contradictions with things of late, like my life is one big show- everyone looking in and shifting the truth, like puzzle pieces all trying to fit together, even when they don't. Is that fair? That my life is being chopped and changed by these strange clowns, each and everyone of them in their fat suits, their fake smiles... their ugly hair... Why should it be me that entertains their thoughts?
It seems as if my life is being not only the vessel in which people entertain their ideas, but almost as if my whole life for those moments is altered because of these thoughts, that my reality and how I thus percieve my reality is being altered by those thoughts, therefore-- if the people generating the thoughts are complete fuck wits- then I am a slave to my fuck witted reality and those that create it?
How will I ever know freedom?
This is either making sense, or it is not... If it is not then you will proceed to believe that I am crazy, or maybe slightly disturbed... Thus perhaps you will disregard all that you read here. I say no. I am not crazy. In fact, I challenge you to apply this mental ramble to your own life; to find the idiots that control your thoughts... Even I will admit that line sounds crazy.
However, in all seriousness (and it must be in all seriousness because I am running low on time) lets entertain the notion that there are people in your life that can read you like a book. That can play you; pull your strings and make you dance around the promenade for all their dim witted friends to point and laugh... How many have felt the sting of unrequited love and affection? For that one person you would do anything for? How many people allow their emotional attachment get in the way of the royal and painful truth? Do things they know in their heart is wrong for a person that ultimately does not care?
Have you not ever found yourself so consumed by a person, your whole world utterly immerged into there's- only to a few months, years later look back on that time and think 'What did I see in them?'. Once you don't value them anymore, you deject their ideals and beliefs that you so once cherished...
Like a great veil pulled over your eyes- where you stumble across your past memories and see a graveyard of lost potential and time, rather than happy memories and 'good old us'...
The people that we surround ourselves with ultimately effect who and how we will become that which is to be becometh of ourselves... I know this, yet I can never truly see who is who until it's too late- until the damage is done and I'm more lost and confused than I was when I sought refuge in their warm, glowing empty scrotum sack of a life... Is my issue trust? Is it ignorance?
Am I trusting the wrong people? Am I letting my pathetic attachment for the human race blind me to these truths? What am I trying to prove by all this thought? What am I trying to say by posting this on the internet?
Too much thought is placed in everything... Yes, it is thought, our conscience, psyche that divides us and the rest of the 'lower' carbon life forms... But how much do people over think these days?
I'm probably over thinking right now...
Or am I reaching out of the box and messing with how perfectly still everything seems right now just to see what will happen?
I think that (in all brutal honesty) that deep underneath this trained, polite, sweet young girl who enjoys things like getting stoned and eating cookies with milk= I am an anarchist.
I feel like I'm waking up out of a coma. That the past year I have been living the life that everyone else told me to live. Try this, take this, dance to this, appreciate this... Maybe the promise of real friends was enticing enough to drag me in... But not anymore.
I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I'm simply confusing myself for the heck of it... Everything is too perfect now, I can't handle being happy in my life so I have to mess it up by being uncertain about what I want for my future. The end of the year is coming and decisions have to be made... I don't want to be a Naturopath... I want to be a tattoo artist. But no, it's not the safe option, I wasn't good enough to be a tattoo artist, that's what I kept telling myself.
But I am good enough! And I don't think settling for my second dream, the dream that I gave myself so that down the line I could say to the world 'Fuck you, I did it on my own anyway!' is kinda big considering if I make a mistake it will cost me $45'000 dollars...
I'm sick of 'people-pleasing' my way through life. I'm sick of smoking, I'm sick of the acid, the pills, the parties where I stop half way through and have the dawning of a life time 'What the fuck am I doing here?'
Well? What the fuck AM I doing here? What do I see myself doing in the next 20 years? I thought by the time I was 28 I wanted to be married or at least in a stable relationship, hopefully with a house of my own, slowly on the way to children with a degree under my belt and my own business set up and going quite nicely.
HOW BORING. HOW SAFE AND STUPID AND BOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG.
I dont want that!
I want to be half way around the world, staying at some little beach resort, with palm trees and coconuts freshly falling to the ground. Where the only music that's made is the music played by the instruments we have with us and the only food we can get is that which we cook ourselves. I want to have a house with no walls, a bong made of bamboo and fire dances on full moons. I want to have a box of paints and pencils and special things that I take with me everywhere, and I take photos of all the new and exciting places I go. I want to speak fluent japanese and live about half hours drive from Harajuku, in some small town with no internet access... Or some pokey little apartment in a sea of apartments just like that, with the smell of smoke and ramen in the air, with a bedroom full of stupid japo-asian crap... I want my phone to have one of those dangly bell thingies, those things that every asian girl seems to have on anything and everything they can attach one too... Where I spend my days either working in a tatoo studio show casing my artistic talents or working at home from a laptop- slowly but surely writing the autobiography of my life, documenting my encounters with REAL people, not just people who believe they're outrospective because they do acid every weekend or sit around in a house pilling to the sound of oblivion.
I want to live a LIFE... One that I ACTUALLY want rather than one that is just as pleasing but much easier to obtain.
I'm sick of the people in my life that mean something to me now holding me in a dream world that will have me stay within that world because of my fears that they may not exist in the one that I create for myself. And in all this winding, long winded way of saying 'I'm afraid to follow my dreams because it may force me to abandon the ones that I love, that I'm afraid to abandon this lifestyle that I'm beginning to resent with every ounce of my being because I'm afraid that I'll loose the ones that I love' = I have also thus come to that realisation myself.
Perhaps this is the way in which I cut free from those strings, perhaps this is the catalyst piece of the puzzle that makes all those other stupid pieces make sense. I just wish that the things of my future didn't seem so far away and that the things of my past didn't still hold so much emotional control over me. I wish I didn't still see his face in everything and pretend not too.
I wish I didn't lie to myself, that my present was just a little bit EXCITING for once so that I might be able to forget about what everything ISNT right now...
I wish I wasn't so god damn crazy... I wish none of this made any sense to you, if you even exist... Why do I believe that anyone will ever find this? Read this? Understand this to a degree to which it changes their lives forever? I wish it meant something... As much as it means to me...
But it won't. And no body will read it. And even on this vast, interconnected, ever important giggamegaterrabitter world that zooms back and forth every second of every day for the rest of my life until something better or bigger or more important comes along that will wipe out this old and futile model-- I am just misunderstood, and pathetically silent and small in the grand scheme of things.
That THIS my non existent friend is what I have now invented as silent SHOUTING... It doesn't matter how hard I cry- everything in my miserable, pent up and inexpressive life will ultimately remain the same... No one hears it. No one takes it in. No one learns a thing and my dawning of a lifetime is wasted away to the emotional ramblings of a teenage idiot.
Spread Chaos... Peace is for the delinquent, and futile.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
some direction
whats the point? Whats the point of anything when in the end, everything will become nothing; like the dust and ash that slips through our fingers, that statue that once spelt 'liberty'; torn down by the very race that built it to remind them of a value and morality that is worthy of rememberance.
Will morality even matter when that time comes? Will anything matter to us?
Why, how is it that something that can lift us up to where we belong, can also tear us down and throw us deep underground?
Why is it that we are fools when it comes to understanding eachother and the things that we want and need? Can anyone read anyone else anymore?
I used to believe that I was a person who could tell the true emotion of anyone, that with a little bit of probing people aren't that hard to figure out... But when someone has the ability to ruin me, and I look deep into their eyes and find that there's nothing beneath? How can I combat that?
How can anyone overcome the emptiness of someone else?
Relentless day time TV and empty silence. I'm so fucking sick of it. I try to say sorry, I try to talk it out, I try to give him space when he wants space... I try to scream my point at him while he walks away from me but the outcome is always the same... No matter who it is I'm talking too, arguing with... It's always the same. That fucking blank, thoughtless expression of 'I really don't give a flying fuck anymore'.
Is that really it? Is that really all it boils down to in the end? That people are happy to make others feel like shit, and then don't really care about rebuilding anything because 'If she loves me, she'll get over it herself?'
I hate it. I hate sitting here, venting myself to a fucking computer when the person who could be making a difference is sitting right behind me. I hate the fact that I'm wasting my time on being at this house early so that I can cook and clean this place so that this party means something, all the while I'm stressing about the company and how the fuck I'm going to be able to mentally prepare myself for a night that ultimately could change everything.
No body cares anymore about doing the right thing... It's always about doing the right thing for them.
Selflessness is a joke. We all claim to be caring people but really, in the big crappy reality of it all, we would shoot our own mother if it meant we could get ahead. Some people get angry, some people get sad, some people get even... I just wish that any of those options would fill the void floating through me right now.
Oh great... I think I'm becoming an emo.
Will morality even matter when that time comes? Will anything matter to us?
Why, how is it that something that can lift us up to where we belong, can also tear us down and throw us deep underground?
Why is it that we are fools when it comes to understanding eachother and the things that we want and need? Can anyone read anyone else anymore?
I used to believe that I was a person who could tell the true emotion of anyone, that with a little bit of probing people aren't that hard to figure out... But when someone has the ability to ruin me, and I look deep into their eyes and find that there's nothing beneath? How can I combat that?
How can anyone overcome the emptiness of someone else?
Relentless day time TV and empty silence. I'm so fucking sick of it. I try to say sorry, I try to talk it out, I try to give him space when he wants space... I try to scream my point at him while he walks away from me but the outcome is always the same... No matter who it is I'm talking too, arguing with... It's always the same. That fucking blank, thoughtless expression of 'I really don't give a flying fuck anymore'.
Is that really it? Is that really all it boils down to in the end? That people are happy to make others feel like shit, and then don't really care about rebuilding anything because 'If she loves me, she'll get over it herself?'
I hate it. I hate sitting here, venting myself to a fucking computer when the person who could be making a difference is sitting right behind me. I hate the fact that I'm wasting my time on being at this house early so that I can cook and clean this place so that this party means something, all the while I'm stressing about the company and how the fuck I'm going to be able to mentally prepare myself for a night that ultimately could change everything.
No body cares anymore about doing the right thing... It's always about doing the right thing for them.
Selflessness is a joke. We all claim to be caring people but really, in the big crappy reality of it all, we would shoot our own mother if it meant we could get ahead. Some people get angry, some people get sad, some people get even... I just wish that any of those options would fill the void floating through me right now.
Oh great... I think I'm becoming an emo.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Stop the world... I want to get on!
One day,
we're gonna live in Paris,
I promise...
I'm on it.
When I'm bringin in the money...
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna take you out to club showcase,
we're gonna live it up,
I promise,
just hold on,
a little more.
And every night,
We'll watch the stars.
they'll be our force.
And every night,
the city lights,
will be our force.
One day we're gonna live in Paris.
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'll find you, that french boy
You'll find me,
that french girl,
I promise.
... I cannot wait to get out of here... To fly somewhere that shares the same ideals I do, Coasting it in my boat through the phillipines, selecting what dope I'll smoke today in some cafe in Amsterdam... Climbing across great mountain ranges with my sherpa in India, and going to Goa ofcourse!! Driving through the hot dessert of Las Vegas; on my way to the Clown Casino. Standing in the busy streets of New York, Japan, Paris... I'm looking at taking it all and leaving, as soon as I possibly can.
When this next four years go by, and I complete my bachelor's degree, I'm taking my savings and getting out and away from this place, this scary, comfortable, easy-to-live-in suburban life.
I don't want that lifestyle to pull me in before I have seen the world. I don't want to settle here because it's the only place I've settled my whole life, I want to pick my favourite place to live; so where ever I end up I'll spend the rest of my days working, learning, loving my life.
Setting is so important... And even if I do end up here one day- I would rather spend the rest of my life paying of a mortgage then have my own place and have never wriggled my toes into the soil of a foreign place.
Something calls to me from out there... It's telling me that whatever it is I'm looking for, isn't here... I just want to establish my freedom, think big, aim big, accomplish big- that way nothing in my future will be barred from me. That way I'll call the shots in my own life.
we're gonna live in Paris,
I promise...
I'm on it.
When I'm bringin in the money...
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna take you out to club showcase,
we're gonna live it up,
I promise,
just hold on,
a little more.
And every night,
We'll watch the stars.
they'll be our force.
And every night,
the city lights,
will be our force.
One day we're gonna live in Paris.
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'll find you, that french boy
You'll find me,
that french girl,
I promise.
... I cannot wait to get out of here... To fly somewhere that shares the same ideals I do, Coasting it in my boat through the phillipines, selecting what dope I'll smoke today in some cafe in Amsterdam... Climbing across great mountain ranges with my sherpa in India, and going to Goa ofcourse!! Driving through the hot dessert of Las Vegas; on my way to the Clown Casino. Standing in the busy streets of New York, Japan, Paris... I'm looking at taking it all and leaving, as soon as I possibly can.
When this next four years go by, and I complete my bachelor's degree, I'm taking my savings and getting out and away from this place, this scary, comfortable, easy-to-live-in suburban life.
I don't want that lifestyle to pull me in before I have seen the world. I don't want to settle here because it's the only place I've settled my whole life, I want to pick my favourite place to live; so where ever I end up I'll spend the rest of my days working, learning, loving my life.
Setting is so important... And even if I do end up here one day- I would rather spend the rest of my life paying of a mortgage then have my own place and have never wriggled my toes into the soil of a foreign place.
Something calls to me from out there... It's telling me that whatever it is I'm looking for, isn't here... I just want to establish my freedom, think big, aim big, accomplish big- that way nothing in my future will be barred from me. That way I'll call the shots in my own life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
