cold memories and new problems

It's dark and it's cold and wet on the floor. My fingers have no feeling, the street lights are harsh and annoying. Warmth comes with his smile, but it's only pretend. It's only so he won't leave me here alone. With a phone and my wallet I could have called a taxi, but why did I leave them at home? I guess in all my wildest dreams I never thought him capable of this... Now all I see is his blonde hair, dark clothes and sinister grin. Now all I see is the park bench across the pavement path, illuminated by the street light above, the fog pumping from his mouth as he breathes hard. Darkness to my left, darkness to my right. I'm lost, and alone. I feel the disgust... It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I start to feel stupid, I start to feel that disgust creep up into my stomach as he kisses me, the silence of the morning being broken by his heavy breathing. His hands are freezing, as he touches my stomach... On my hands and knees, praying, waiting for it to be done with. Not how I imagined it would go, our first 'date'... How romantic it truly seemed?

And it's over, he's doing up his pants and I'm looking for my dignity... Shaking, I pull a cigarette from the packet and fumble with the lighter. Anything to get that taste of his tongue out of my mouth, anything to wash away the pain of the last 10 minutes...

That's all I really remember, but I remember so well... Next thing I know I'm back in the now, back in this room sitting with my legs folded, clutching onto this blog so I don't stray back into that memory...

They called him harry, because his last name was Potter. Should have named him something else, because there was no magic in anything he did. Broken, lost, he was angry inside. Why I don't loathe him, I don't know why. A perfect stockholme candidate I would be, but not now, not all these years later. So why, my friends, do I keep reliving his face? I relive the others too... Why is it that it all comes back to me now, when all my other memories haunt me?
Something to trap myself with, when I'm in the dark... I can hear his voice, feel his hands around my waist, and know that it's the now, that I'm safe in his room... I feel each kiss with precision, each breath that brings love... I try with all my might to feel something, to feel anything but for some reason all that greets me is numbness. Like I'm as stiff as a plank of wood, like every inch of my body is under attack. Four years into the future, and the past comes rushing at me to break my lover's heart.
When there is so much focus on sex, it's hard to break out of the fear. I feel such an immense pressure to perform, to do so even when I don't want too... Like it's a duty, some task that must be done. It seems to always be on his mind, though I know it's because he loves me, he's my boyfriend, he wants to make me happy... I want to want it again, I want to feel that rush of pleasure more than anything but for some reason it's left me. I lay so still beside him, I try to pretend to sleep so that it won't make him feel bad but he never gets the hint, he always keeps going until I'm at the point where I want to scream... It's so confusing and hurtful and I don't know why it's happening. I'm so lost.

I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be a bad girl friend. I don't want to hurt him either, but in that darkness, the memories come back, the feeling comes back and I'm no longer with the one that I love but with a snake, writhing and wrapping it's body around my neck. I feel totally out of control, trapped into a corner. If the fear doesn't get me then the guilt certainly will. Am I damned? What is wrong with me?

Why can't I feel lustful? Why must these things plague me? Will I ever be free of this blight that eats away at me? Will I ever stop hurting those that only wish to love me? Am I truly nothing but evil, catching hearts and never returning them, ruining and breaking and hacking and burning? My soul fills with tears... That in my efforts to bring peace to myself, I have brought suffering onto the innocent. What if this fear never goes away? What if the past forever breaks my present? All I want is to stop focussing on that which makes me so frightened, to break to breathe for a moment... And when ever I turn him away, and see that look in his eyes, I want to claw out my own throat and crawl to a dark space to die, because knowing that I'm the soul reason behind his unhappiness is worse to me than death. What I would give to fix this, to put a stop to it... If I only knew how, if I only knew what I needed to do to see this through...

God forgive me for the sin I've done, for the hate I've felt, forgive me for letting another take what wasn't theirs to take; forgive me for creating these problems for myself. I talked to the devil about what I could feel and see, and sin has followed me since, regardless of my love for God, they have followed me, trapped me with fear... I need the council of the lord, deliver me into absolution, I'm so sorry for it all, sorry for everything. Is the forgiveness of God enough to cure a blackened soul? Can God even touch those that are damned for a life in hell? It was all my fault, all my choice...
I chose to conjure to conspire with them, I chose to give up my body than to be abandoned, I chose to smoke the pipe and to spend my inheritance and to let him touch me... It was all my choice, a life of sin. Why should I question what is happening to me? When all I have given the God that loves is sin, when I finally find love, the sin has come back to ruin it. They never stopped following me, soft, un nerving. I feel so close to slipping back into old ways, old habits...

If that which I hate takes that which I love, through my own doing, through whatever is happening to me- I will forsake my god, return to all that I could see, return to all that followed me, the shadows fading in and out, in and out, all the figures, all the people, everything that made me feel insane... If I lose this because of that past, I will lose my mind.