Daisies over the hill

So maybe I'm not as good of a human being as I once thought. In a month I have gone from questioning everything else to questioning myself. Is it simply that I'm confused or is it that I'm just confusing everyone else?

Maybe its both. Maybe it's neither... Telling the truth, I can't really tell if I have two feet on the ground. I guess it's a frustrating feeling, when you are denied the simple right to let something grow. When I don't listen, I guess I only have myself to blame. Things like these take time, though it's hard to keep it cool when I feel like I'm surrounded by a pack of hungry dogs.

Broke
Jobless
Alone

being constantly reminded of an old life I miss for it's stability but not for it's company, being reminded of a life that once was and how different everything in this new one seems to be. As much as this ground shakes, no day is the same, everything constantly being renewed. Security had it's perks, but I find excitement here, as exhausting as it may be.

There is no motivation left in me to go and see him, or to get excited with anything that we do together. I know that if I allow myself to enjoy or believe in any of it; I will simply hear or see something within the short fucked up hours that will follow that will strip it all down, and then some more, leaving me more wounded than before.
I am being eaten alive by a boy with a very big apetite. An apetite for everything that I will offer it seems, though I am getting sick of it all. I've been over this for weeks, yet for some reason it's loosing it's shinyness real quick and the fear that grips me almost makes it too hard to move.

It seems in life, that karma has chosen this moment in my life for my moment of moments. With the lack of love and joy that I feel for anything right now I'm almost afraid that this could end me. By the end of this; I'll either be so gone beyond repair that I'll just stay a broken heap in the scrap yard of life, or I'll come out of the ashes like a new born Pheonix, rise again, and take the glory for myself.

Its all or nothing. This is the challenge of a life time, the most pain I've endured in a long time. Although it might look as if I'm simply continuously picking up the same poisonous snake thinking 'this time it wont bite me' and voila! Next thing you know I'm speeding off to the ER with a snake bite on my face. I am aware of these dangers, my joyful, loving friends...

But someone needs my help. He needs a friend now more than ever, and to abandon him to this cruel world would be the worst thing I could ever endure. So I will go through with this shit, I will continue to plough through the heavy snow, to find that sunny glowing feild of daisies that are over the hill. The bridge is a dangerous one, but he has to cross it; and I'll cross it with him, if he'll let me.

Just scraped through April, pray we'll all make it to the end of June.

Don't give up hope; don't give up smoking... Just look where you walk next time, cuz its getting wet and slippery. Cold weather is snuggle weather, I hope that makes this easier.