forgetting what makes me cry

I have put myself somewhere, a place I've never been. Where are the ghosts that haunt my steps? Where is the shadow that follows me, day after day, filling my heart with misery and guilt?
I feel no sadness now, I feel no shame for the decisions I've made. I feel only a numbness, not empty and hollow but soothing and good for the soul. Perhaps I've come to a point in my life where I no longer fear the thought of breaking something or someone... That all that I once hated myself for, I have thus accepted.
I'm beginning to realise, that good things seem to happen when I'm not doubting myself. I trusted my decision to return to my home, and thus it seems that Life has rewarded me. I find happiness, always now, when I look into my eyes. I feel true, I feel almost blissful constantly.

Does it make me a bad person? That I sit here glowing with this incredible inner light, a discovered new power that I have over myself when I've broken so many hearts and caused so much pain? I don't want to simply be a person who doesn't feel bad because she doesn't care for others and their misfortune but something in me literally stops me from digging up that empathy for the people once close to me... I try to envoke it, I seek it out but to no avail.

It concerns me... I have prided myself on my ability to empathise and help others, and I should care whether my actions effect the lives of others but something in me just stops me from giving a shit anymore; like when I got on that plane and left Adelaide a great cord around me was cut and thus when I try to reconnect with any feeling I ever felt for David-- It's almost as if no feeling ever existed, my mind and my heart search and search to try and remember what it felt like but I fail every time... This was my last relationship! Shouldn't I be hurt by our breakup? Shouldn't I even care a little?
Maybe I came home so badly broken and hurt by our relationship that I simply killed any last shred of affection that I had, simply locked it up somewhere within myself and buried it too deep to find again. ...

oh apathy, apathy where are you now? Conflicted in the absense of pain- morally speaking I should be heartbroken; however not being heart broken is a nice change of pace... Maybe this is my break from it? Maybe I mourned the loss of our relationship whilst I was still there, I did have such a long time to come to terms with the fact that we would never work out. Am I becoming some kind of soulless monster? Or is this my way to a clean conscience through releasing myself from my self hatred and guilt?
A trap or freedom? A blessing or an omen? Gotta get used to feeling this way, it's been way too long since I felt okay with being me.

Maybe- I have let go of my rediculous quest to find true love! If it does exist, I don't think I care, cuz every time someone says they love me, it seems to mean they dont have to try anymore. I don't think I mind, whether it's love or not, so long as they are treating me the way I want to be treated. There are people in my life like that now- people that don't control or command, that don't make me feel like I should be anything other than what I am- and not only that, but they're INTERESTED in who I am, people who want to delve into what makes me this person, and they cherish how unique I am. I'm not too childish, or immature, or not proud of myself enough or too clingy and annoying... People that don't whince away from me when I hug them, that never ask for space and never physically leave me alone. THAT speaks to me more than a word that gets thrown around all the time. That speaks to me more than someone who says they love me, yet tells me to never speak to them of memories that are misfortunate or bad, yet never opens themself to me, yet calls me a child and chides me for not doing his dishes during the day. Who never touched me with love, who never gave me the simple joy of bearing it all together, rather than holding it all back when I'm standing with arms open feeling humiliated.

I'm not guilty, I'm not sad, I am simply who and what I am... And when I look upon my lifes journey and come across the time I spent in Adelaide, I don't think anything that was said or done during that time will mean anything other than this lesson: Forget about trying to find someone who says they love you, find someone who doesn't begrudge or try to change who you are, but accepts and cherishes who you are, and encourages that within you.