At approximately 10 pm in the evening, I dropped 3 cubes for the first time in my life...
Although I had trouble getting around the overpowering grittyness and sweet of sugar, I got through them and kept them down.
Within 15 minutes my stomach had turned into glowing warmth and my body began to shake. Cigarette consumed after cigarette I became overwhelmed with dizzyness. My breathing turned shallow and I had to sit down.
My boyfriend and I (who was also on 3 cubes) sat down on the couch and turned up the T.V...
This is where things started to get strangely out of control.
We were watching some random show I had seen a few times before, called 'Bones'. It was halfway through but the gist was that someone had staged a murder in a woods and blamed it on the 'angry witch ghost' who haunted the woods... It actually turned out to be the deceased mans brother... The team of investigative scientists examined the victims bones to determine the way he died and discovered enough clues to pin point location of death and eventually who did it.
Through the incredibly corny acting and the bad plot; We soon found ourselves in hysterics.
Why was everything so funny? My breathing was shallow and I had the vertigo feeling flowing through my body when my shoulders and legs were struck with terrible cramps, though that didn't stop myself from roaring with hilarity at everything I saw... I was having an awesome time already. Then we watched a show called Las Vegas which was even more hilarious than the next...
Corny and weird looking characters filled every second of the show, and after crying off all my makeup and giving myself a stitch, I felt the sudden urge to go to the toilet, incase I threw up (not something I wanted to do infront of my boyfriend).
This is where it hit me. I sat down in the room; where I can usually gage how high I am through how the patterns and colours bounce off the walls. The toilet floor mat began to crawl along the floor, tiny yellow fuzzy caterpillars dislodged and started up the walls. I grabbed for the paper but it seemed so far away from my hands, I couldn't seem to get it. And at that moment, when I looked back up to the ceiling, I became aware of what had taken over my eyes.
Swirling liquid fractals began to dance infront of my eyes, still leaking tears from all my laughing earlier. Beauty overcame me. I was in complete surrender to the dancing rainbows that distorted my vision to the point where I could no longer see where I was... I couldn't see my hands behind the gold and silver sheets of snow flake-like borders on liquid.
Emerging from the toilet; I danced to my boyfriend, who sat on the couch glowing.
"I have never seen so much beauty!" I remember saying with a laugh. "Everything is so beautiful" he smiled at me.
We went outside, and for the first time being on acid, there was no music playing. There was only the gentle rustling of the wind through the trees; the roaring rattle of trains... It soon went from familiar sounds to alien like omnious ringing and roaring, like great eerie dinosaurs waited beyond the fences of his back yard. All the plants turned into weird structures of green goo, like radioactive plants of another place... I was being overcome with an insane sense of peace.
We went into the bedroom and laid on the bed, and my laughing continued for what seemed like many hours. We laid in the darkness, which wasn't darkness but green and purple crystal like etherial cities that hovered above my face like a summoning necropolis...
Thousands of thoughts, epiphonies flooded my mind, witty sentences, ideas, threads of words that made no sense but perfect sense.
I was realising and forgetting at the same time, all secrets of the world, of the gods... I forgot how to speak English. Wanted to document my profound sense of divinity, I started scrawling half sentences onto paper, only to forget what I was writing half way through...
I remember saying 'I feel like Buddha!!' and something about an intergalactic, cybornetic matrix whale...
I was overwhelmed with all the joy I had ever felt in my life, and the intense colour sheet over my eyes began to dissipate, so did my uncontrollable laughter. There was no tension, there was no paranoia...
I now understand why people take LSD for god like encounters with themselves and the people around them. I now understand why people take such large amounts of acid; but I still don't think it should be okay to abuse the drug. I came to the conclusion that taking a heavy dose a few times a year compared to taking a little every couple of weeks is a much better option... That and only having like 2 cigarettes the whole evening made smoking cones the next day alot easier on my lungs... It was the first time in a long time that I didn't smoke pot during the peek of my trip either, and the feeling was very cleansing to my body.
The next day I tried to reread the things I wrote down, not much of it made any sense and my handwriting was incredibly difficult to read due to the urgency of loosing my thoughts.
Life is glorious, and for the first time in a long time, my acid was clean and strong and pure... I can't wait to save up for another experience like that. It drew me closer and made me feel more connected with the love of my life; and past tensions melted away into sweet euphoric pleasure...
The greatest part of all is it was just me and him, and the comfortableness I felt during that was such a blissful feeling indeed.
Having so much fun.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Oh, giggamegaterrabitter world- consume my emotional fiction
I've got these plans that are going to make me survive, but lately I can't even find my important side; just excuses and lies. Am I really as strange and off centre as everyone claims me to be?
I have been finding such odd contradictions with things of late, like my life is one big show- everyone looking in and shifting the truth, like puzzle pieces all trying to fit together, even when they don't. Is that fair? That my life is being chopped and changed by these strange clowns, each and everyone of them in their fat suits, their fake smiles... their ugly hair... Why should it be me that entertains their thoughts?
It seems as if my life is being not only the vessel in which people entertain their ideas, but almost as if my whole life for those moments is altered because of these thoughts, that my reality and how I thus percieve my reality is being altered by those thoughts, therefore-- if the people generating the thoughts are complete fuck wits- then I am a slave to my fuck witted reality and those that create it?
How will I ever know freedom?
This is either making sense, or it is not... If it is not then you will proceed to believe that I am crazy, or maybe slightly disturbed... Thus perhaps you will disregard all that you read here. I say no. I am not crazy. In fact, I challenge you to apply this mental ramble to your own life; to find the idiots that control your thoughts... Even I will admit that line sounds crazy.
However, in all seriousness (and it must be in all seriousness because I am running low on time) lets entertain the notion that there are people in your life that can read you like a book. That can play you; pull your strings and make you dance around the promenade for all their dim witted friends to point and laugh... How many have felt the sting of unrequited love and affection? For that one person you would do anything for? How many people allow their emotional attachment get in the way of the royal and painful truth? Do things they know in their heart is wrong for a person that ultimately does not care?
Have you not ever found yourself so consumed by a person, your whole world utterly immerged into there's- only to a few months, years later look back on that time and think 'What did I see in them?'. Once you don't value them anymore, you deject their ideals and beliefs that you so once cherished...
Like a great veil pulled over your eyes- where you stumble across your past memories and see a graveyard of lost potential and time, rather than happy memories and 'good old us'...
The people that we surround ourselves with ultimately effect who and how we will become that which is to be becometh of ourselves... I know this, yet I can never truly see who is who until it's too late- until the damage is done and I'm more lost and confused than I was when I sought refuge in their warm, glowing empty scrotum sack of a life... Is my issue trust? Is it ignorance?
Am I trusting the wrong people? Am I letting my pathetic attachment for the human race blind me to these truths? What am I trying to prove by all this thought? What am I trying to say by posting this on the internet?
Too much thought is placed in everything... Yes, it is thought, our conscience, psyche that divides us and the rest of the 'lower' carbon life forms... But how much do people over think these days?
I'm probably over thinking right now...
Or am I reaching out of the box and messing with how perfectly still everything seems right now just to see what will happen?
I think that (in all brutal honesty) that deep underneath this trained, polite, sweet young girl who enjoys things like getting stoned and eating cookies with milk= I am an anarchist.
I feel like I'm waking up out of a coma. That the past year I have been living the life that everyone else told me to live. Try this, take this, dance to this, appreciate this... Maybe the promise of real friends was enticing enough to drag me in... But not anymore.
I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I'm simply confusing myself for the heck of it... Everything is too perfect now, I can't handle being happy in my life so I have to mess it up by being uncertain about what I want for my future. The end of the year is coming and decisions have to be made... I don't want to be a Naturopath... I want to be a tattoo artist. But no, it's not the safe option, I wasn't good enough to be a tattoo artist, that's what I kept telling myself.
But I am good enough! And I don't think settling for my second dream, the dream that I gave myself so that down the line I could say to the world 'Fuck you, I did it on my own anyway!' is kinda big considering if I make a mistake it will cost me $45'000 dollars...
I'm sick of 'people-pleasing' my way through life. I'm sick of smoking, I'm sick of the acid, the pills, the parties where I stop half way through and have the dawning of a life time 'What the fuck am I doing here?'
Well? What the fuck AM I doing here? What do I see myself doing in the next 20 years? I thought by the time I was 28 I wanted to be married or at least in a stable relationship, hopefully with a house of my own, slowly on the way to children with a degree under my belt and my own business set up and going quite nicely.
HOW BORING. HOW SAFE AND STUPID AND BOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG.
I dont want that!
I want to be half way around the world, staying at some little beach resort, with palm trees and coconuts freshly falling to the ground. Where the only music that's made is the music played by the instruments we have with us and the only food we can get is that which we cook ourselves. I want to have a house with no walls, a bong made of bamboo and fire dances on full moons. I want to have a box of paints and pencils and special things that I take with me everywhere, and I take photos of all the new and exciting places I go. I want to speak fluent japanese and live about half hours drive from Harajuku, in some small town with no internet access... Or some pokey little apartment in a sea of apartments just like that, with the smell of smoke and ramen in the air, with a bedroom full of stupid japo-asian crap... I want my phone to have one of those dangly bell thingies, those things that every asian girl seems to have on anything and everything they can attach one too... Where I spend my days either working in a tatoo studio show casing my artistic talents or working at home from a laptop- slowly but surely writing the autobiography of my life, documenting my encounters with REAL people, not just people who believe they're outrospective because they do acid every weekend or sit around in a house pilling to the sound of oblivion.
I want to live a LIFE... One that I ACTUALLY want rather than one that is just as pleasing but much easier to obtain.
I'm sick of the people in my life that mean something to me now holding me in a dream world that will have me stay within that world because of my fears that they may not exist in the one that I create for myself. And in all this winding, long winded way of saying 'I'm afraid to follow my dreams because it may force me to abandon the ones that I love, that I'm afraid to abandon this lifestyle that I'm beginning to resent with every ounce of my being because I'm afraid that I'll loose the ones that I love' = I have also thus come to that realisation myself.
Perhaps this is the way in which I cut free from those strings, perhaps this is the catalyst piece of the puzzle that makes all those other stupid pieces make sense. I just wish that the things of my future didn't seem so far away and that the things of my past didn't still hold so much emotional control over me. I wish I didn't still see his face in everything and pretend not too.
I wish I didn't lie to myself, that my present was just a little bit EXCITING for once so that I might be able to forget about what everything ISNT right now...
I wish I wasn't so god damn crazy... I wish none of this made any sense to you, if you even exist... Why do I believe that anyone will ever find this? Read this? Understand this to a degree to which it changes their lives forever? I wish it meant something... As much as it means to me...
But it won't. And no body will read it. And even on this vast, interconnected, ever important giggamegaterrabitter world that zooms back and forth every second of every day for the rest of my life until something better or bigger or more important comes along that will wipe out this old and futile model-- I am just misunderstood, and pathetically silent and small in the grand scheme of things.
That THIS my non existent friend is what I have now invented as silent SHOUTING... It doesn't matter how hard I cry- everything in my miserable, pent up and inexpressive life will ultimately remain the same... No one hears it. No one takes it in. No one learns a thing and my dawning of a lifetime is wasted away to the emotional ramblings of a teenage idiot.
I have been finding such odd contradictions with things of late, like my life is one big show- everyone looking in and shifting the truth, like puzzle pieces all trying to fit together, even when they don't. Is that fair? That my life is being chopped and changed by these strange clowns, each and everyone of them in their fat suits, their fake smiles... their ugly hair... Why should it be me that entertains their thoughts?
It seems as if my life is being not only the vessel in which people entertain their ideas, but almost as if my whole life for those moments is altered because of these thoughts, that my reality and how I thus percieve my reality is being altered by those thoughts, therefore-- if the people generating the thoughts are complete fuck wits- then I am a slave to my fuck witted reality and those that create it?
How will I ever know freedom?
This is either making sense, or it is not... If it is not then you will proceed to believe that I am crazy, or maybe slightly disturbed... Thus perhaps you will disregard all that you read here. I say no. I am not crazy. In fact, I challenge you to apply this mental ramble to your own life; to find the idiots that control your thoughts... Even I will admit that line sounds crazy.
However, in all seriousness (and it must be in all seriousness because I am running low on time) lets entertain the notion that there are people in your life that can read you like a book. That can play you; pull your strings and make you dance around the promenade for all their dim witted friends to point and laugh... How many have felt the sting of unrequited love and affection? For that one person you would do anything for? How many people allow their emotional attachment get in the way of the royal and painful truth? Do things they know in their heart is wrong for a person that ultimately does not care?
Have you not ever found yourself so consumed by a person, your whole world utterly immerged into there's- only to a few months, years later look back on that time and think 'What did I see in them?'. Once you don't value them anymore, you deject their ideals and beliefs that you so once cherished...
Like a great veil pulled over your eyes- where you stumble across your past memories and see a graveyard of lost potential and time, rather than happy memories and 'good old us'...
The people that we surround ourselves with ultimately effect who and how we will become that which is to be becometh of ourselves... I know this, yet I can never truly see who is who until it's too late- until the damage is done and I'm more lost and confused than I was when I sought refuge in their warm, glowing empty scrotum sack of a life... Is my issue trust? Is it ignorance?
Am I trusting the wrong people? Am I letting my pathetic attachment for the human race blind me to these truths? What am I trying to prove by all this thought? What am I trying to say by posting this on the internet?
Too much thought is placed in everything... Yes, it is thought, our conscience, psyche that divides us and the rest of the 'lower' carbon life forms... But how much do people over think these days?
I'm probably over thinking right now...
Or am I reaching out of the box and messing with how perfectly still everything seems right now just to see what will happen?
I think that (in all brutal honesty) that deep underneath this trained, polite, sweet young girl who enjoys things like getting stoned and eating cookies with milk= I am an anarchist.
I feel like I'm waking up out of a coma. That the past year I have been living the life that everyone else told me to live. Try this, take this, dance to this, appreciate this... Maybe the promise of real friends was enticing enough to drag me in... But not anymore.
I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I'm simply confusing myself for the heck of it... Everything is too perfect now, I can't handle being happy in my life so I have to mess it up by being uncertain about what I want for my future. The end of the year is coming and decisions have to be made... I don't want to be a Naturopath... I want to be a tattoo artist. But no, it's not the safe option, I wasn't good enough to be a tattoo artist, that's what I kept telling myself.
But I am good enough! And I don't think settling for my second dream, the dream that I gave myself so that down the line I could say to the world 'Fuck you, I did it on my own anyway!' is kinda big considering if I make a mistake it will cost me $45'000 dollars...
I'm sick of 'people-pleasing' my way through life. I'm sick of smoking, I'm sick of the acid, the pills, the parties where I stop half way through and have the dawning of a life time 'What the fuck am I doing here?'
Well? What the fuck AM I doing here? What do I see myself doing in the next 20 years? I thought by the time I was 28 I wanted to be married or at least in a stable relationship, hopefully with a house of my own, slowly on the way to children with a degree under my belt and my own business set up and going quite nicely.
HOW BORING. HOW SAFE AND STUPID AND BOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG.
I dont want that!
I want to be half way around the world, staying at some little beach resort, with palm trees and coconuts freshly falling to the ground. Where the only music that's made is the music played by the instruments we have with us and the only food we can get is that which we cook ourselves. I want to have a house with no walls, a bong made of bamboo and fire dances on full moons. I want to have a box of paints and pencils and special things that I take with me everywhere, and I take photos of all the new and exciting places I go. I want to speak fluent japanese and live about half hours drive from Harajuku, in some small town with no internet access... Or some pokey little apartment in a sea of apartments just like that, with the smell of smoke and ramen in the air, with a bedroom full of stupid japo-asian crap... I want my phone to have one of those dangly bell thingies, those things that every asian girl seems to have on anything and everything they can attach one too... Where I spend my days either working in a tatoo studio show casing my artistic talents or working at home from a laptop- slowly but surely writing the autobiography of my life, documenting my encounters with REAL people, not just people who believe they're outrospective because they do acid every weekend or sit around in a house pilling to the sound of oblivion.
I want to live a LIFE... One that I ACTUALLY want rather than one that is just as pleasing but much easier to obtain.
I'm sick of the people in my life that mean something to me now holding me in a dream world that will have me stay within that world because of my fears that they may not exist in the one that I create for myself. And in all this winding, long winded way of saying 'I'm afraid to follow my dreams because it may force me to abandon the ones that I love, that I'm afraid to abandon this lifestyle that I'm beginning to resent with every ounce of my being because I'm afraid that I'll loose the ones that I love' = I have also thus come to that realisation myself.
Perhaps this is the way in which I cut free from those strings, perhaps this is the catalyst piece of the puzzle that makes all those other stupid pieces make sense. I just wish that the things of my future didn't seem so far away and that the things of my past didn't still hold so much emotional control over me. I wish I didn't still see his face in everything and pretend not too.
I wish I didn't lie to myself, that my present was just a little bit EXCITING for once so that I might be able to forget about what everything ISNT right now...
I wish I wasn't so god damn crazy... I wish none of this made any sense to you, if you even exist... Why do I believe that anyone will ever find this? Read this? Understand this to a degree to which it changes their lives forever? I wish it meant something... As much as it means to me...
But it won't. And no body will read it. And even on this vast, interconnected, ever important giggamegaterrabitter world that zooms back and forth every second of every day for the rest of my life until something better or bigger or more important comes along that will wipe out this old and futile model-- I am just misunderstood, and pathetically silent and small in the grand scheme of things.
That THIS my non existent friend is what I have now invented as silent SHOUTING... It doesn't matter how hard I cry- everything in my miserable, pent up and inexpressive life will ultimately remain the same... No one hears it. No one takes it in. No one learns a thing and my dawning of a lifetime is wasted away to the emotional ramblings of a teenage idiot.
Spread Chaos... Peace is for the delinquent, and futile.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
some direction
whats the point? Whats the point of anything when in the end, everything will become nothing; like the dust and ash that slips through our fingers, that statue that once spelt 'liberty'; torn down by the very race that built it to remind them of a value and morality that is worthy of rememberance.
Will morality even matter when that time comes? Will anything matter to us?
Why, how is it that something that can lift us up to where we belong, can also tear us down and throw us deep underground?
Why is it that we are fools when it comes to understanding eachother and the things that we want and need? Can anyone read anyone else anymore?
I used to believe that I was a person who could tell the true emotion of anyone, that with a little bit of probing people aren't that hard to figure out... But when someone has the ability to ruin me, and I look deep into their eyes and find that there's nothing beneath? How can I combat that?
How can anyone overcome the emptiness of someone else?
Relentless day time TV and empty silence. I'm so fucking sick of it. I try to say sorry, I try to talk it out, I try to give him space when he wants space... I try to scream my point at him while he walks away from me but the outcome is always the same... No matter who it is I'm talking too, arguing with... It's always the same. That fucking blank, thoughtless expression of 'I really don't give a flying fuck anymore'.
Is that really it? Is that really all it boils down to in the end? That people are happy to make others feel like shit, and then don't really care about rebuilding anything because 'If she loves me, she'll get over it herself?'
I hate it. I hate sitting here, venting myself to a fucking computer when the person who could be making a difference is sitting right behind me. I hate the fact that I'm wasting my time on being at this house early so that I can cook and clean this place so that this party means something, all the while I'm stressing about the company and how the fuck I'm going to be able to mentally prepare myself for a night that ultimately could change everything.
No body cares anymore about doing the right thing... It's always about doing the right thing for them.
Selflessness is a joke. We all claim to be caring people but really, in the big crappy reality of it all, we would shoot our own mother if it meant we could get ahead. Some people get angry, some people get sad, some people get even... I just wish that any of those options would fill the void floating through me right now.
Oh great... I think I'm becoming an emo.
Will morality even matter when that time comes? Will anything matter to us?
Why, how is it that something that can lift us up to where we belong, can also tear us down and throw us deep underground?
Why is it that we are fools when it comes to understanding eachother and the things that we want and need? Can anyone read anyone else anymore?
I used to believe that I was a person who could tell the true emotion of anyone, that with a little bit of probing people aren't that hard to figure out... But when someone has the ability to ruin me, and I look deep into their eyes and find that there's nothing beneath? How can I combat that?
How can anyone overcome the emptiness of someone else?
Relentless day time TV and empty silence. I'm so fucking sick of it. I try to say sorry, I try to talk it out, I try to give him space when he wants space... I try to scream my point at him while he walks away from me but the outcome is always the same... No matter who it is I'm talking too, arguing with... It's always the same. That fucking blank, thoughtless expression of 'I really don't give a flying fuck anymore'.
Is that really it? Is that really all it boils down to in the end? That people are happy to make others feel like shit, and then don't really care about rebuilding anything because 'If she loves me, she'll get over it herself?'
I hate it. I hate sitting here, venting myself to a fucking computer when the person who could be making a difference is sitting right behind me. I hate the fact that I'm wasting my time on being at this house early so that I can cook and clean this place so that this party means something, all the while I'm stressing about the company and how the fuck I'm going to be able to mentally prepare myself for a night that ultimately could change everything.
No body cares anymore about doing the right thing... It's always about doing the right thing for them.
Selflessness is a joke. We all claim to be caring people but really, in the big crappy reality of it all, we would shoot our own mother if it meant we could get ahead. Some people get angry, some people get sad, some people get even... I just wish that any of those options would fill the void floating through me right now.
Oh great... I think I'm becoming an emo.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Stop the world... I want to get on!
One day,
we're gonna live in Paris,
I promise...
I'm on it.
When I'm bringin in the money...
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna take you out to club showcase,
we're gonna live it up,
I promise,
just hold on,
a little more.
And every night,
We'll watch the stars.
they'll be our force.
And every night,
the city lights,
will be our force.
One day we're gonna live in Paris.
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'll find you, that french boy
You'll find me,
that french girl,
I promise.
... I cannot wait to get out of here... To fly somewhere that shares the same ideals I do, Coasting it in my boat through the phillipines, selecting what dope I'll smoke today in some cafe in Amsterdam... Climbing across great mountain ranges with my sherpa in India, and going to Goa ofcourse!! Driving through the hot dessert of Las Vegas; on my way to the Clown Casino. Standing in the busy streets of New York, Japan, Paris... I'm looking at taking it all and leaving, as soon as I possibly can.
When this next four years go by, and I complete my bachelor's degree, I'm taking my savings and getting out and away from this place, this scary, comfortable, easy-to-live-in suburban life.
I don't want that lifestyle to pull me in before I have seen the world. I don't want to settle here because it's the only place I've settled my whole life, I want to pick my favourite place to live; so where ever I end up I'll spend the rest of my days working, learning, loving my life.
Setting is so important... And even if I do end up here one day- I would rather spend the rest of my life paying of a mortgage then have my own place and have never wriggled my toes into the soil of a foreign place.
Something calls to me from out there... It's telling me that whatever it is I'm looking for, isn't here... I just want to establish my freedom, think big, aim big, accomplish big- that way nothing in my future will be barred from me. That way I'll call the shots in my own life.
we're gonna live in Paris,
I promise...
I'm on it.
When I'm bringin in the money...
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna take you out to club showcase,
we're gonna live it up,
I promise,
just hold on,
a little more.
And every night,
We'll watch the stars.
they'll be our force.
And every night,
the city lights,
will be our force.
One day we're gonna live in Paris.
I promise.
I'm on it.
I'll find you, that french boy
You'll find me,
that french girl,
I promise.
... I cannot wait to get out of here... To fly somewhere that shares the same ideals I do, Coasting it in my boat through the phillipines, selecting what dope I'll smoke today in some cafe in Amsterdam... Climbing across great mountain ranges with my sherpa in India, and going to Goa ofcourse!! Driving through the hot dessert of Las Vegas; on my way to the Clown Casino. Standing in the busy streets of New York, Japan, Paris... I'm looking at taking it all and leaving, as soon as I possibly can.
When this next four years go by, and I complete my bachelor's degree, I'm taking my savings and getting out and away from this place, this scary, comfortable, easy-to-live-in suburban life.
I don't want that lifestyle to pull me in before I have seen the world. I don't want to settle here because it's the only place I've settled my whole life, I want to pick my favourite place to live; so where ever I end up I'll spend the rest of my days working, learning, loving my life.
Setting is so important... And even if I do end up here one day- I would rather spend the rest of my life paying of a mortgage then have my own place and have never wriggled my toes into the soil of a foreign place.
Something calls to me from out there... It's telling me that whatever it is I'm looking for, isn't here... I just want to establish my freedom, think big, aim big, accomplish big- that way nothing in my future will be barred from me. That way I'll call the shots in my own life.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Truth
"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers... Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life...
But why do I want a thing like that?"
But why do I want a thing like that?"
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Life is Glorious
It was like a great flame, a wave of intense heat that pulsed through my veins, replacing my blood- turning my bones to ash and my muscle to chicken meat... It's like a peaceful chaos, a kind of feeling I had never felt until now. It's perfection. Utter bliss and pain; a sickness and a cure, fire and ice, poison and the antidote...
How could I ever truly deny a feeling such as this? When an opportunity presents itself, you open up and swallow the whole thing! Don't let any of the potential for change to escape... And I gotta say, that the changes that have thus occured, have been well worth that burn.
What I hold in my hands now, is greater than any power I've ever wished to hold before... It's more important than money, more precious than any jewel, more valuable than air... It's all so awe-inspiring... And it's all mine.
My life is now exactly in the right direction... I work my hours, get paid my wages, and spend the rest of my time either sleeping, partying or creating new and wonderful things, or working on the wonderful things I've not yet finished. There is no more stressing, no more deadlines, no more choking personalities enforcing their words of acid into my being, no more injecting of deceit, of lies, no more of the filfth of mankind...
All I have now is security, and glorious time... And when I look into my future, I don't see it burning down around me, I see it building itself, a month at a time, up and up and up- until I'm looking at a tower of possibility... And the most important thing was I found this on my own, but I learned how to feel this way from someone else; and to that person I owe every smile I generate, every laugh, every dream... I was miserable before I let this person into a special portion of my heart, but from the day I did-- I have never regretted that decision...
To the person I owe my hearts beat-- Ben,
Thankyou for everything... Thankyou for your patience, thankyou for your time, thankyou for your love and happiness and enveloping warmth. Thankyou for supporting me when I couldn't support myself, thankyou for protecting me from those that seeked to harm me. Thankyou for everything...
If I could spend the rest of my life putting a smile on your face, I would die a happy woman.
Never give up on love kids, you'll never know when it will present itself; and trust me when I say you don't want to miss out on something like this.
How could I ever truly deny a feeling such as this? When an opportunity presents itself, you open up and swallow the whole thing! Don't let any of the potential for change to escape... And I gotta say, that the changes that have thus occured, have been well worth that burn.
What I hold in my hands now, is greater than any power I've ever wished to hold before... It's more important than money, more precious than any jewel, more valuable than air... It's all so awe-inspiring... And it's all mine.
My life is now exactly in the right direction... I work my hours, get paid my wages, and spend the rest of my time either sleeping, partying or creating new and wonderful things, or working on the wonderful things I've not yet finished. There is no more stressing, no more deadlines, no more choking personalities enforcing their words of acid into my being, no more injecting of deceit, of lies, no more of the filfth of mankind...
All I have now is security, and glorious time... And when I look into my future, I don't see it burning down around me, I see it building itself, a month at a time, up and up and up- until I'm looking at a tower of possibility... And the most important thing was I found this on my own, but I learned how to feel this way from someone else; and to that person I owe every smile I generate, every laugh, every dream... I was miserable before I let this person into a special portion of my heart, but from the day I did-- I have never regretted that decision...
To the person I owe my hearts beat-- Ben,
Thankyou for everything... Thankyou for your patience, thankyou for your time, thankyou for your love and happiness and enveloping warmth. Thankyou for supporting me when I couldn't support myself, thankyou for protecting me from those that seeked to harm me. Thankyou for everything...
If I could spend the rest of my life putting a smile on your face, I would die a happy woman.
Never give up on love kids, you'll never know when it will present itself; and trust me when I say you don't want to miss out on something like this.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Indifference
Please gentlemen, set your phasers to 'stun'...
It's all finally coming to a glorious end. I have been in this many times before, except this time comes a new sense of self, a new sense of defeat. Yet for once, it wasn't me who was defeated.
Whatever intentions of mine I had back when I still gave a damn were nothing but empty and fruitless to the ones around me, and now, those intentions are empty and fruitless to me too. Don't be sad, it's a good thing and I am by no means unhappy that I failed to rebuild what foolishness destroyed. I wanted control, he had control and wasn't willing to give any up. And it's only now that I look back at the decisions we both made and I think "It was all just a big mistake".
My only regret was the way in which I cast the final blow, and I was adamant then to believe that I wouldn't regret being so harsh, infact I was sure that if I didn't use my callice-ness to put an end to it then, whilst I was still so full of rage; that we wouldn't never truly be over, and we would never truly be ended.
I didn't want things to drag on and on like this, I didn't want this to stress our friends and families and cause lives to stretch out over too much space. I didn't want to stop seeing the people that I had believed would still be my friend, and that they did like me for me and not simply because I was his... Now that I'm not his, I see that I fooled myself into allowing closeness to come between me and those that would just walk away the second I fucked up... But it doesn't hurt the way I thought all of this would...
Im beginning to see that my character is infact, very cut throat, and I am a very black and white person when it comes to my feelings. I still am in many ways, a control freak to the way I feel, and I also act as an emotional doormat to some people because of the fact that when someone abuses me, I seem to punish myself instead. I never really broke the habit, but at least I'm aware of it now and I can try to make it work better for me in a healthy way...
I can either use you, or I can't. When I say this, I mean the people around me either benefit me, make my existence better somehow, or they don't. And when I do decide that someone doesn't, and they disapoint me time and time again trying to prove (usually rather pathetically) that they ARE of benefit, once I get tired of giving them chances, and that little meter in my head clicks over from 'friend' to 'threat' -- I have within me every capability of supressing and condensing any warmth, compassion, or love that I ever felt for that person, and all I'm left with for them is indifference... It's almost as easy as making a cup of tea.
This may concern people, it concerns me sometimes too, but it is also incredibly efficient at removing unwanted threats from my life, but in saying that it also says alot about how I see the people around me. It's the only way I have to defend myself against the onslaughts of those who would seek to hurt me... And I distrust myself in trusting others, because usually it is the ones that I trust the most that hurt me the most.
Typically, I have been a loner. Because it was always easier for me to deal with only myself, and I enjoyed my own company more than I did boys and girls in my year who would only hang out with me to learn my secrets and gain that trust only to then betray me, and humiliate me over and over and over again.
Perhaps it's this, that started out young, that is now an ingrown habit of mine that I cannot shake; and before you start to judge or to ponder-- I would like to say that it's helped me more times than it's hurt, because sometimes it's hard to walk away from something that you love, but you know it's bad for you in the long run... I don't find it hard anymore.
I can finally let go of the pain and the bad memories that I have harboured in my head, like emotional ammunition against Griffin. It finally, after all this time, doesn't concern me what he does with his life. I have no urges to call him, no urges to see him and no urges to talk about him or discuss my fears that I have for him... The world, and the man himself has made it very clear that all attempts that I would ever have at rebuilding what we broke is futile; and like I was saying earlier; it's almost as if god has removed all memory my heart ever had of him, and I don't hurt anymore.
The one thing that upsets me, yet comforts me slightly, is that in speaking of his latest scandals from winter solstice, he describes what I can only relate too as heaven, and as hell, and otherwordly beings that come forth and speak and converse with him... It makes me laugh, a scientist, speaking about otherworldly beings and spirits... the most one minded, closed off, calculated people I have ever met... The 'proof or outright denialists' of our world, and he believes in another world, another world of judgement, another world of beings that take form of friends to create a greater persuasion... Sounds like descriptions the bible would give, talking of both angels and demons... It sounds like a vulcan, talking about how much he learnt at bible camp... bible camp with drugs.
It just goes to show, that LSD makes believers out of us all, and that sweet, sweet euphoria that comes with the connection of everything around us whilst we are under the influence, can be achieved without the drug... The power of the mind, of the body and the spirit can open us to these influences these special places that exist not in this world. This is what I have been stressing to the psychonauts around me... That feeling, the reason in which compels people to take the drug, that greater state of mental connection: Is something the sober mind can do, and with a little feeling and a little dedication it can be achieved with no penalty.
At the end of the day, people should stop blaming the drug for these wonderful phenomena, and start believing in the power of there own minds, and start believing that the connection is always there- you just have to be aware of it...
I have been changed, after that weekend. I will never again look at acid the same way, I will never look at that location the same way... I don't know if I'll ever see Griffin again, but I doubt I will look at him the same way either.
It's disapointing in theory, that I have lost who was once my closest and dearest companion forever, for making a decision... But I don't feel the disapointment anymore, I'm simply aware that it should be there... but it's not. It was ultimately his choice, because I know that if he had of came and apologized to my face, if he had of actually meant it, tried at all to stop the bitterness and the constant barrages of pointless bickering, I would have ultimately forgiven.
I have forgiven, but at the price of my own sense of solitude from another person... Which in my opinion is a hefty one, but one that couldn't be avoided. I try to be friendly, and he didn't want to be friendly anymore...
And this is the way that I announce to the world: I finally, do not give a flying fuckery. Do with this information what you will; but as it always feels so good to punch it out into the airwaves: I am free of guilt, free of pain and free of regret. I am free to be free, and to continue enjoying the wonderful life that I have built for myself, and continue to climb ever upwards... You don't have to earn sanity... To have to earn forgiveness... Thats the real key to that glorious place... You have to undo the pain that you sewed into the sheets of life... To have to makeup for the things you have destroyed.
It's all finally coming to a glorious end. I have been in this many times before, except this time comes a new sense of self, a new sense of defeat. Yet for once, it wasn't me who was defeated.
Whatever intentions of mine I had back when I still gave a damn were nothing but empty and fruitless to the ones around me, and now, those intentions are empty and fruitless to me too. Don't be sad, it's a good thing and I am by no means unhappy that I failed to rebuild what foolishness destroyed. I wanted control, he had control and wasn't willing to give any up. And it's only now that I look back at the decisions we both made and I think "It was all just a big mistake".
My only regret was the way in which I cast the final blow, and I was adamant then to believe that I wouldn't regret being so harsh, infact I was sure that if I didn't use my callice-ness to put an end to it then, whilst I was still so full of rage; that we wouldn't never truly be over, and we would never truly be ended.
I didn't want things to drag on and on like this, I didn't want this to stress our friends and families and cause lives to stretch out over too much space. I didn't want to stop seeing the people that I had believed would still be my friend, and that they did like me for me and not simply because I was his... Now that I'm not his, I see that I fooled myself into allowing closeness to come between me and those that would just walk away the second I fucked up... But it doesn't hurt the way I thought all of this would...
Im beginning to see that my character is infact, very cut throat, and I am a very black and white person when it comes to my feelings. I still am in many ways, a control freak to the way I feel, and I also act as an emotional doormat to some people because of the fact that when someone abuses me, I seem to punish myself instead. I never really broke the habit, but at least I'm aware of it now and I can try to make it work better for me in a healthy way...
I can either use you, or I can't. When I say this, I mean the people around me either benefit me, make my existence better somehow, or they don't. And when I do decide that someone doesn't, and they disapoint me time and time again trying to prove (usually rather pathetically) that they ARE of benefit, once I get tired of giving them chances, and that little meter in my head clicks over from 'friend' to 'threat' -- I have within me every capability of supressing and condensing any warmth, compassion, or love that I ever felt for that person, and all I'm left with for them is indifference... It's almost as easy as making a cup of tea.
This may concern people, it concerns me sometimes too, but it is also incredibly efficient at removing unwanted threats from my life, but in saying that it also says alot about how I see the people around me. It's the only way I have to defend myself against the onslaughts of those who would seek to hurt me... And I distrust myself in trusting others, because usually it is the ones that I trust the most that hurt me the most.
Typically, I have been a loner. Because it was always easier for me to deal with only myself, and I enjoyed my own company more than I did boys and girls in my year who would only hang out with me to learn my secrets and gain that trust only to then betray me, and humiliate me over and over and over again.
Perhaps it's this, that started out young, that is now an ingrown habit of mine that I cannot shake; and before you start to judge or to ponder-- I would like to say that it's helped me more times than it's hurt, because sometimes it's hard to walk away from something that you love, but you know it's bad for you in the long run... I don't find it hard anymore.
I can finally let go of the pain and the bad memories that I have harboured in my head, like emotional ammunition against Griffin. It finally, after all this time, doesn't concern me what he does with his life. I have no urges to call him, no urges to see him and no urges to talk about him or discuss my fears that I have for him... The world, and the man himself has made it very clear that all attempts that I would ever have at rebuilding what we broke is futile; and like I was saying earlier; it's almost as if god has removed all memory my heart ever had of him, and I don't hurt anymore.
The one thing that upsets me, yet comforts me slightly, is that in speaking of his latest scandals from winter solstice, he describes what I can only relate too as heaven, and as hell, and otherwordly beings that come forth and speak and converse with him... It makes me laugh, a scientist, speaking about otherworldly beings and spirits... the most one minded, closed off, calculated people I have ever met... The 'proof or outright denialists' of our world, and he believes in another world, another world of judgement, another world of beings that take form of friends to create a greater persuasion... Sounds like descriptions the bible would give, talking of both angels and demons... It sounds like a vulcan, talking about how much he learnt at bible camp... bible camp with drugs.
It just goes to show, that LSD makes believers out of us all, and that sweet, sweet euphoria that comes with the connection of everything around us whilst we are under the influence, can be achieved without the drug... The power of the mind, of the body and the spirit can open us to these influences these special places that exist not in this world. This is what I have been stressing to the psychonauts around me... That feeling, the reason in which compels people to take the drug, that greater state of mental connection: Is something the sober mind can do, and with a little feeling and a little dedication it can be achieved with no penalty.
At the end of the day, people should stop blaming the drug for these wonderful phenomena, and start believing in the power of there own minds, and start believing that the connection is always there- you just have to be aware of it...
I have been changed, after that weekend. I will never again look at acid the same way, I will never look at that location the same way... I don't know if I'll ever see Griffin again, but I doubt I will look at him the same way either.
It's disapointing in theory, that I have lost who was once my closest and dearest companion forever, for making a decision... But I don't feel the disapointment anymore, I'm simply aware that it should be there... but it's not. It was ultimately his choice, because I know that if he had of came and apologized to my face, if he had of actually meant it, tried at all to stop the bitterness and the constant barrages of pointless bickering, I would have ultimately forgiven.
I have forgiven, but at the price of my own sense of solitude from another person... Which in my opinion is a hefty one, but one that couldn't be avoided. I try to be friendly, and he didn't want to be friendly anymore...
And this is the way that I announce to the world: I finally, do not give a flying fuckery. Do with this information what you will; but as it always feels so good to punch it out into the airwaves: I am free of guilt, free of pain and free of regret. I am free to be free, and to continue enjoying the wonderful life that I have built for myself, and continue to climb ever upwards... You don't have to earn sanity... To have to earn forgiveness... Thats the real key to that glorious place... You have to undo the pain that you sewed into the sheets of life... To have to makeup for the things you have destroyed.
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